An inhumanly beautiful park

I walked my dog through the park and it was beautiful. Not beautiful as in “your eyes are beautiful, I love you!”, or any other romantic cliche, if I had to say, there couldn’t be any romance, ‘cause there were no people.

Yes, the park was inhumanly beautiful and I couldn’t love it any more! You know, I’m one of those cliche protagonists who hates humans and “yada yada yada”, the person that sits in the corner of a party, antisocially thinking how I’m so above these annoying people because I don’t care about this stupid and futile shit they talk about.

And, naturally, I’m the same one who comes back home, looks in the mirror and utters slowly, purposefully the words “I hate you”.

So I adopted a dog! They are, as the park, inhumanly beautiful! They don’t reject you, say things intending to hurt your feelings or have offspring they aren’t capable of loving. Dogs are pure, lovable and loving, and I hate people who let one minor bad thing happen with them. Well, I hate most of the people, so that’s not such a big thing.

My dog is a wonderful female called Meggie and I walk her every evening so she can smell other dogs’ asses and socialize a bit. Unlike this person of mine, she is very smiley and genuinely likes other living beings.

Here I am, it’s cooold and I feel like dying in every manner, but I’m happy seeing her so energic and jumpy. Also, it’s incredibly refreshing to get out and not see humans. They screw the landscape up, make so much noise and piss me off enormously, I’m always tempted to think the problem is with me, that it’s incredibly unhealthy to have such loathing for everyone and that it can end up getting me killed, but Meggie barks before I get to a conclusion and I have to pet her.

Every time my fingers feel the touch of her fur, my mind flies. As I saw the flowers blooming when I got here, my thoughts invariably get to this unharmful and beautiful word.

Spring.

It is a time of loving, caring and going out, but we, humans, are currently incapable of performing those activities.

Why?

Come on, you’re not as dumb as those party people, you are at home yourself, obeying the government and health organizations, doing this thing called “quarantine”. We are in the middle of a pandemic that is going to kill millions of humans and everyone is so afraid of getting their asses out of their homes that they are bathing in sanitizer and sleeping on toilet paper beds. I, myself, am trembling with the thought of dying so young, it’s just my 23rd spring, it’s just unfair! But I have this wonderful little girl who needs to get out.

I always thought that if there was a third world war or a great natural disaster that would get rid of millions or billions of humans, I’d be happy, energic and jumpy as my beautiful friend. I thought that, at the cost of the suffering of these hateful strangers, I’d be able to at least experience this feeling that makes her smile. This foreigner word that I always hear people saying. That, despite differences in culture, race, education, everyone knows what means and pursues.

Happiness. Felicidad. Bonheur.

But I was wrong.

Not even a single tooth was at sight when I saw myself in the mirror after national and international authorities said how we are fucked. It’s not a bit satisfying to see other people suffer, and I tried. I went to hospitals, grocery stores, nursing homes, and stood there, observing. Even if I had to lie about having my loved grandmother waiting for me, I stood, watching the defeated and frightened faces pass by me, trying to get a single drop of satisfaction.

I couldn’t.

It’s just sad.

I couldn’t stand being at home, so I asked Maggie to walk me through the park to enjoy this spring evening. I’m sorry, try to enjoy it, because it’s cold as fuck and I think of going back every second. It’s nostalgic, my mother used to walk me when I was a kid. You could think that a great relationship would come with the habit of walking together, but I’d be lying if I said that. I hated my mother and my mother hated me. She had some disease that forced her to take these walks and I was there to make sure that she wouldn’t die and have no one to call for help. After every scream and slap directed at me, I’d hope that she died and I took just long enough to call for help.

Of course, it never happened. She died and I had no opportunity of participating.

Surprisingly, there was this one time of the year when a spirit of a good mother would possess her and it would be pleasant to walk with her, and that was when the flowers were blooming, the same way they are now.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate people, my life and everything, but it is good to take a walk in this spectacular weather. You should try it.

She would smile and catch me off guard, she had that combination of wonderful eyes and teeth that matched so much and caused traffic accidents. She would ask how was my day at school and if I’m getting along well with that girl I like. She would even give me some tips on what to compliment to make her fall the hardest for me!

And, when I remember her like this, it gets me that maybe, just maybe she was a good person. Maybe if she hadn’t had such a shitty life, she would be like that all the time. Maybe it was just so difficult to be her, I don’t know. I wish I could see the world through her eyes so I could understand why she did all that, why she acted trying to convince me that she was the worst person.

Why?

Maybe I wouldn’t even hate my life if she would just act like she loved me all the time.

Maybe I wouldn’t even hate humans if she had convinced me that they could be pleasant.

Maybe I wouldn’t even hate myself if she proved that I was worthy of love.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

I don’t know.

I sat on a bench with Meggie by my side and started observing. Maybe, if I just tried hard enough, I’d be able to see why those people who used to come here before this virus would laugh so much and seem so happy about their lives. What was it that I couldn’t see? There were trees, flowers, fountains, what lacked in me to be satisfied?

I could hear the birds singing, people playing guitars from their windows, kids laughing in the distance. I could hear all they could hear, so why couldn’t I appreciate the sound?!

I felt the breeze, the cold and the vibration of their voices. What was I missing that kept me away from their happiness?!

I don’t know!

I just don’t know!

Was it all my mother’s fault? All her toxicity could have contaminated me! In that case, it would be just natural that I ended up being so rotten as I am. 

Her fault…

She was the worst…

Everyone is the worst…

I am the worst. Why am I alive in the first place? I’m not like the spring, that brings good news and feelings to everyone, I’m not even like Maggie, that loves me unconditionally just because. I cannot be compared to anything good, so why? Just why? Everything would be easier if my life ceased, wouldn’t it?

The park lost its right of being called inhumanly beautiful, a kid was running after her dog.

She had it.

What do I mean by it, you ask?

She’s got it. When you look at someone for the first time you know if they’ve got it, it’s there for everyone to see.

The smile.

And the look.

Exactly like my mother, she had those wonderful eyes and teeth that matched so much, those that give you a little of hope in humanity, that you keep in your mind’s eyes ‘til years have passed.

My dog barked to hers and they smelled each other’s asses.

Her eyes locked with mine, she smiled.

I couldn’t help but… smile?

What’s wrong with her?!

In fact, what is wrong with me?...

That’s it.

This is the cause of all the bad that happens in my life, of the loathing for the people and myself. It was never up to anyone to make me sad, the humans with defeated faces, my mother, not even Maggie! Yes! All this time, it was all up to me, the ability to appreciate the sight, the sounds, and the sensations, all of it. I kept doing this with everything, everyone. I kept blaming the world, the fault was always theirs, not mine. Life is like this wordless interaction, someone who is so negative and suspicious gets smiled and blames the other person, without realizing how much it backfires!

It’s just so fucking wrong!

I do not have to be sad! I do not have to hate myself! I do not have to spit in the mirror, no!

My mother was a bitch 9 out of 10 times, but there was this 1 time when she was the best! I don’t have to judge her for her worst, she loved me. Peculiarly, but she did, and that’s all that matters.

People are like this, they may be annoying and “futile”, but 1 out of 10 times they will smile just the right way. And, whenever it happens, you’ll see that it doesn’t matter who the person is, they have it.

Seeing it this way, when I take a second look at the park in this cold, spring evening, the moment someone... I should say, the moment any human appears, what I first recognized as an inhumanly beautiful park, turns out to be a humanly wonderful place of happiness.