A letter to you.

To you,

I truly apologize for all these years of turmoil. I know we have had our ups and downs. I know that even through all of this nothing changes and we keep being stuck in the same place. I do apologize. I’m sorry. Truly.

We have always dreamed big, haven’t we? Too big, maybe. And we’ve always had hope for whatever we did. Ever since we were kids, we had a vision of ourselves we wanted to be. Always in the arts. Playing pretend and dancing to ABBA while performing in our room. Writing stories to our parents about lost teddy bears. Or drawing cartoon characters thinking one day we would animate a feature film.

I’m sorry nothing has happened yet and that we are losing hope in all these dreams. We have made everything right based on society standards. I guess, it is true that no matter how hard you try, some people are just meant to not achieve their dreams.

One day in college you got a question from your friend asking if you thought everyone was meant to be someone special or only a selected few. You answered by saying something along the lines of:

“I think we all are special or the main character in our own stories. Some are meant to do greater things in the scope of the world, while others are there to help them get there. Some people don’t want to be the hero of the story and are fine by being on the side, being their own heroes to a smaller group of people. Just because your story doesn’t involve a greater audience it doesn’t mean it's any less valuable. We all need each other to finish our own story.”

Back then, we thought we were supposed to do something big, or be someone big. We had all hoped for that, all these dreams and our own gut feeling telling us to keep moving forward. Because deep down we were destined for something. Or at least to make one of our dreams come true. But, the more I think about our situation the more I lose hope. What if we were not meant to do anything? And just have these big dreams to learn to let go of them. What if we are just someone’s side character who they need to watch and learn from? The more we fight against the flow of things trying to make our goals possible, the more backwards we go.

I truly apologize. I don’t think we are meant to do anything. We had big dreams. Too big some would say. But sometimes it’s best to just let go and stop fighting. I think this is one of those times. We’ve tried for so long, and everything works against us. We’ve been in this same place before, in doubt of ourselves. And we always continue the journey of fighting for our dreams. But the more we come back here the less hope we have. Is it worth it?

We always say this is just a low point, that we’ll get back up on our feet. But the more we say those words the more the meaning is lost. I am not sure of anything anymore. We were kids then; those dreams were just dreams. Nobody laughs at kids who play dress up and write. But after all this time, I’m the one starting to laugh.

They say to know your worth and that’ll attract the right people. We knew our worth and we kept fighting, even then we kept moving backwards. Maybe this is a sign from the universe that we should just stop. That our time has passed or we never had it.

Why do we always do this? Every time doubt comes in and we have this conversation, we just want to rebel against it. I am making no sense at this point, I know. But this time I do have less hope than before. I think that’s what scares me the most. Giving up and later finding out we could have actually made it. But every time we say we’ll try again, it’s always the same or worse. Nothing gets done. We never advance. If you believe in the universe, I think we are just a laughing stock to it. Maybe that’s our purpose in life. To make the universe laugh at us trying so hard to be happy and pursue our dreams but never reaching them.

I know you. I know you are going to want to keep fighting for our goals, I’ll let you do that. But this time you might need to go without me. I don’t think I have the energy, patience or just will to keep going. You are a fighter, and I hope I get to be one of those side characters that help you get to your big destiny. But I’m realizing mine was just to push you forward. Go get your dreams, I hope the universe lets you get them. You deserve them. But I need to stay behind. Maybe I’m the laughing stock and not you.

I truly apologize, I know you’ll want to come back for me and take me to the finish line with you. I would love that too. But that’s a journey you’ll have to do alone. I think I’ve passed my finish line a long time ago. Or maybe I never had one. Either way, I hope I get to see you accomplish all of your dreams and goals. I hope you get to be happy at the end. I’m sorry I can’t be there for the rest of the journey. I hope at the end we get to see each other again, and you get to talk to me about all the things you’ve accomplished. I hope to share that joy with you. Later.

I might give it another try, one last try. Before just giving up. But this time it has to be without you. I have to know that If I didn’t make it, it was because of me and not you. I don’t want to blame you.

Go fight for that life you wanted. I’ll see you at our own finish line. Please cross that finish line for all of us who have given up. Go save your dreams.

From,

Your future self.