The woman with the nuts

Oh boy, she’s back! She’s back! Yea and she has what I want. She thinks I understand what she’s saying. Think of it like universal aphasia. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying and I have no idea what she, or the man sitting next to her are saying but who cares? Some of them think animals can’t talk, but we can, just in a different way.

Like imagine you’re going to CAR; Do you speak Sango. Do you, the reader, speak Sango? No? But if someone in Sango had something you wanted, like diamonds, you’d still try to get them to understand you wanted their diamonds. Well, it’s the same thing with us squirrels. We don’t talk human but we got eyes, lungs, hearts like humans, we have ESP like humans. What am I ? Readers always have those questions. It depends on who you ask. My mom, yes, everyone on Earth has a Mom, says I’m a baby and babies are human, unless they’re not human. The woman who’s nuts, sorry, who’s peanut butter sandwich, says squirrel in Sango. The man, who has nuts, but I can’t eat those, says I’m a chihuahua, which is Sango for something and he keeps feeding me biscuits, he says are for me, from his dead chihuahua, I smelled it, tasted it, she spit it out. Not my cup of tea. I want what she’s eating.

How would I know I like what she’s eating?

***

Once, she came out with a plastic container of something and she went inside because humans don’t know to they can urinate and dedicate outside to help plants grow, like peanuts. But, anyway, she went inside. This was before the man started going outside with her. So, she went outside with this container and took something red off the top of it and poured it in a round white thing

Turns out this female human eats peanuts and I like peanuts and she didn’t want them or else she would have taken them inside with her, so she must have left them for me. That was nice of her. So I eat it all up and I tip over the container which has more nuts so I spill it over and I eat what I can and start collecting some to take to my nest.

Then, this female human comes out and has this look on her face like “What’s going on?” Maybe she’s wondering where the other squirrels are. Then, she starts screaming things in Sango, so it’s fight or flight and I look at her and she’s bigger than me, so I run and she runs after me, but even though she’s bigger, I’m faster, so I escape but she throws water on me and I don’t like water on me. The only thing water’s good for is drinking. Humans put it all over themselves and go outside, even when it’s cold. Now I’m all wet. Damn it. But now I know what to do. Grab this woman’s nuts when she goes inside and run.

Then, she came out the next afternoon with something different, but I look at her since I know it’s peanuts. I come right up to the gazebo, jump on the table and go right for the nuts. She gets that look again, yells at me, takes everything in, then comes out a spell later with a fly swatter. Maybe there are flies around our nuts. So, I go up and look at her with eager eyes and run towards her nuts. She picks up the flyswatter and whacks me on my back. There must have been a fly on it. That was nice of her. Then, I take some nuts and runs. Must have been a lot of insects on me because she comes running after me with the swatter screaming. She’s so magnanimous. She can kill any bugs on me tomorrow.

*

Today, she must have thought I was lonely or something, because she brought flat cutouts of different creatures: A cutout of a deer, a bear, a monkey, and a menagerie; a cardboard menagerie. There’s even a cardboard squirrel that I try humping, but it doesn’t work. I’m 3D, this squirrel is 2D. Back to the lady with the nuts. I’m hungry.

She looks at me and she’s angry and I look at her and I’m excited. Nuts. You’re going to give me nuts. Then, she tries jumping on me. She must think I’m a baby human and need to be nursed. I’m no baby; I’m 2. So, I run under her, get my breakfast, and start to run. I love this game. She runs after me like Sylvester from Looney Tunes.

*

Next day, the zoo is gone. Looked around and she must think 2D creatures go to the bathroom in trash cans. They must be constipated. To quote Speedy Gonzalez, “She’s Muy loco a la cabeza”. She bought a long range rifle and I can’t imagine why. All we ever eats are peanuts and peanut butter sandwiches, we don’t hunt anything. So I come to get my lunch and she points the rifle at me, but I’m fast and she’s slow. She cocks the gun and I run towards the table. Loud noise startles me and she says something else in Sango. Getting my lunch to go is great.

*

The next day, she brings a man out with her and they start kissing. Maybe they’ll have twice as many nuts since there are two of them. I go up to the gazebo and jump on the table. They yell at each other, but there aren’t any nuts and he goes inside and comes out with a box. The box has the picture of a dog on it and he takes a fake bone out and tosses it to me. I smell it. It’s not peanut butter. Then he tries to pet me and catch me, so I run away. Humans are strange, but he has this lasso thing and catches me around my rib cage and I try to squirm out but can’t and he puts me in a cage.