Five Years Old

Five Years Old

           She sat at the table for the seventh time this week refusing to eat. It was going on three weeks of this and her mother was at her wit’s end. She said nothing, but refused to eat or drink anything for hours on end. Her mother would wait it out, but nothing changed. Her father never said much about any of it, after all, she was only five years old. She would eat sooner or later. They would scream at each other over why she would not eat, not realizing they were only making matters worse.  Finally, her mother had had enough. She hauled her to the hospital where many test were done, all coming up negative. The diagnosis was ‘she has a nervous stomach’.

           Not much changed until the day she saw the beautiful white swan sitting on the end of the bed. It looked at her and rose into the air turning into an angel as it passed through the ceiling. She would remember this scene for the rest of her life, but it would not be until she was much older that she would understand it’s significance. That was the day her mama had walked into the room.

           She was sitting under the front porch playing in the sand. It was soothing, feeling it run through her fingers. She could tell that something was different. She was afraid but she hid it well. Her grandparents had arrived today. They never came to visit, but said they would be staying with her for a while. She wondered where they would sleep. There was only one extra room. Mama slept there. She felt, more than heard, blind fear in the house. A big white truck had come to her home with strange men. They had a bed on wheels they were rolling to her front door. She started to shake. The shaking tuned into gagging and then dry heaves. She had still not eaten very much in a long time. The low moaning sounded like death. Her hands were over her ears to drown it out, but it did not help. The moaning rose in pitch into a long sad wail. As the bed was rolled away, back to the white truck, she saw her mama strapped down to the bed. The wails were coming from mama.

She crawled out from under the porch and ran for the truck. Her grandfather caught her and lifted her away from what was happening.

 “Mama! Mama!” She cried and fought to get down and follow her mama in the truck.

She was taken back inside and told to be quiet. Her mama was sick and was going to the hospital to get help. Her father would follow along in the car. She cried until she fell asleep. After all, she was only five years old.

Today was the day she would see mama in the hospital. Mama had been gone for three months and her grandparents were still there at her home. Granny had taken her to the doctor twice because her bottom was sore. The doctor said she had to stop riding her bicycle so hard. It was causing her to have to be stitched up. Unusual in a child this small, but there was no other explanation.

Her Granny had dressed her in her red velvet dress and black patent leather shoes to go see mama. She walked down the dimly lit hallway holding daddy’s hand. She felt great fear, but her need to see mama was greater. Daddy let go of her hand as she was squeezing it too tight.

“Daddy loves his girl. You love Daddy too, don’t you?” It was an automatic response when she answered ‘yes’, yet her eyes never left the door to mama’s room.

Mama didn’t look good. She was sitting in the middle of the bed and animals made from yarn were spread out around her. There was an octopus that was pink, a yellow dog, and a blue bird. Daddy tried to get her to take one but she refused. Those belonged to mama. She could see that mama was crying and that mama did not understand that she was there.

“Daddy, what’s wrong with mama?”

“You will have to step out now,” said the nurse. “It is time for her treatment.”

Daddy took her hand and led her back through the door. She could hear mama crying out loud now. Daddy was intent on getting her out of the room but she started to pull back in the direction of mama. A man with a rolling table had to stop while daddy got her through the door again. On the table was a square box, a bottle, and some other scary equipment. She was crying now, but walking with daddy without a fight.

Daddy dropped his keys and she saw her chance. She let go of his hand and took off at a dead run for mama’s door. Daddy would not catch her, but he should have. Daddy should have done a lot of things differently.

She pushed her way into the room and stood with her mouth open in a silent scream. Mama had paddles on each side of her head, a piece of wood in her mouth, and was being held down by three people. There were others in the room watching as well. Mama was trying to scream and her face was scrunched up with her eyes closed tight.

 “Six hundred volts every day for the last three months, and she still makes the same claim. Hit it!”

She saw mama arch up off the bed and hang suspended in the air for a few seconds before falling back to the mattress. Her head was smoking and there had been an arc of electricity from one paddle to the other. Mama was not moving. 

No one had seen her enter the room. She started to scream. She screamed so loud and hard that she fell to the floor. She screamed and fought the others trying to control her. She fought daddy. She screamed until she passed out.

She woke up in her own bed back at home. It was dark. Her mind came alive at night. She had friends in the paneling on the walls and ceiling. She said, “Hi” and “goodnight” to them as she did every night. She softly sang ‘Jesus Loves Me’ and she really believed that he did. She heard her grandparents getting ready to go to bed. She knew it would not be long now. She felt the quivering inside her start to build. Her singing was faster and faster and then he was upon her.

“You love your daddy, don’t you?” This time, her screams were silent. And she was only five years old.