Fatherly Advise

“It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat.” The words ran through Blake Mackey’s mind just as they had for most of his life. His father use to follow that line with, “If other people beat you, you can get up from that. You are the only one that can keep you down.” Blake’s father was a boxing fan and loved using the analogies that came with it. Blake on the other hand could not bring himself to watch it for more than a couple of minutes. Something about the thought of people willingly doing that to each other as a profession did not sit right with him.  

As a kid, Blake developed issues with anxiety and depression triggered by his mom’s sudden disappearance. It became hard for him to socialize with other kids in his school. He felt that his every move was being scrutinized by anyone around him. He would miss things in class and sometimes entire conversations because his mind would be overwhelming him with series of possibilities as to where she went. His dad would give him the quote any time he found himself in a valley and everything seemed dark and unrelenting. It was no magic spell that made everything suddenly easier to deal with, but Blake knew that his dad was trying to help, so he would nod and give him a hug.  

Just after he graduated college, Joe Mackey was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. It was the unfortunate side effect of working in close quarters with a group of guys that smoked two packs a day for twenty years. A year later he was gone, and Blake desperately wanted to go with him. He stopped medicating. He stopped hanging out with the few friends that he had. He stopped leaving their house. Every time Blake held some instrument that he thought would make everything better and let him see his father again, that damn quote ran through his mind. He couldn’t do it. He would force himself to keep going and make it through the day. It took months for Blake to accept the new reality and start putting his life back together.  

A big part of that new reality came in the form of a new job. Blake had been hired as a teacher at a small-town middle school. It was odd to think of himself working in a school every day, when his own school experiences weren’t the most pleasant. Like the cliché first-year teacher, he filled himself with the idea that he would really get to make a difference in kids’ lives. He had seen enough uplifting school spirit movies to know that there would be one student that would need him the most. He wanted to be there for that one. Some days, it was that belief that was the only thing keeping him going.  

On the first day of school, he was ready to greet the children as soon as the bell rang. Until the students came into the room. Then he suddenly felt nervous as a panic came over him as a room full of strange face sat there waiting for him to do something. There was a possibility that this was a mistake. Blake took some deep breaths before going over the lesson plan and welcome activities that he had for the students.  

As the first day continued, Blake began to feel more comfortable around the new students. He got to know some of their favorite things and got some recommendations for games and movies he needed to check out. Everything was relaxed and that took some of the stress away from everything else that had been going on. Even though the day had started out a little anxious Blake now felt that he was in a pretty good place.  

However, days turned into weeks. Students began to get a little too comfortable in school and that was when Blake started having discipline issues in his classroom. Despite knowing that he needed to do something to put a stop to it, anxiety reared its head and made him question every step that he took. Every time he corrected a student or had to contact a parent; his mind would race with only the worst possible outcomes. He coped with this by giving students every possible chance with multiple warnings and chances before he would take an action. This only resulted in students taking advantage of situations and not really fearing consequences int his classroom.  

As classroom issues continued, his optimism and eagerness to teach others dwindled away until he was simply going through the motions and handing out worksheet after worksheet. There was a hollowness. It opened when his father passed away. He thought that starting a new career and having a purpose at the end of the summer had closed it. Now he knew that it was merely lying dormant and now it was consuming him entirely.  

When he felt that he couldn’t take it anymore and was ready to throw in the towel, once again his father’s words came back to him. “But how is this planning my defeat,” he wondered. “I’m not thinking about suicide. I’m taking medicine. I’m seeing a therapist. I’m doing what I need to do and it’s not enough.”  

He went to bed that night but sleeping did not come easy. He fixated on some solution to make things better.  It seemed as though there was no easy to find answer. This was simply his life now. A seemingly endless cycle of anxiety, depression, and misery. He had no idea if his coworkers were aware of how low he felt, but he certainly didn’t mention it. He would manage to smile, wave, and make jokes when appropriate, and then go home and collapse at the end of the day. Maintaining a “normal” existence was exhausting.  

On the day before school let out for winter break, most of Blake’s students were already off on vacation. The one’s that showed up to school were not the ones that were there prepared to work. As the students were heading to lunch, Blake began to feel antsy for some reason. Unsure if he were about to start tearing up he decided to duck into the nearest boys restroom. He stepped in and took some deep breaths to try and calm himself down.  

As he was about to make his way out, he noticed an odd noise. It was a gurgling sound coming from farther inside the restroom. He peered around the corner and noticed a belt wrapped around the top of one of the stalls.  

Without hesitation Blake ran to the stall door, but opening it would only make the situation worse. The sound started to get louder and there was a frantic thumping on the other side of the door. Panic and hesitation started to kick in. He wasn’t sure of what to do next. Blake closed his eyes for a moment to refocus. He then entered the next stall over and crawled under.  

As he was trying to slide into the blocked stall, he had to try not to get kicked in the face by feet. When he looked up he was horrified by what he saw. He sprang to his feet and lifted as fast as he could. When he felt the arms rest against his shoulders it dawned on him to cry for help. Moments later other teachers were there helping and some were making sure students stayed away.  

Blake rode in the ambulance and refused to take his eyes off of the young unconscious face now fitted with an oxygen mask. A young paramedic was moving in and out of view, but Blake had no idea what she looked like. All he could think about was the fact that of all the people that could have walked into the restroom, if anyone had at all, he was the one.  

Blake waited in the hospital waiting room expecting to see a frightened mother or father or both tear into the room demanding to see their child. Instead, he was introduced to a caseworker who thanked him for what he had done and then walked away. Before he could get too far, Blake asked, “do you mind if I speak with him for a moment?” 

“I don’t mind at all,” the man replied as he gestured for Blake to follow him.  

Once in the room, the Blake and the 11-year old boy named Nick had a hard time looking at one another for the first few minutes. After the quiet awkwardness had settled the two began talking. Blake started, “first I want to say that I haven’t heard anything about why you did what you did. But, I know that there are times when that seems to be an appropriate response to certain situations. I’ve come to accept that it isn’t.” As the conversation continued, Blake opened up about his mother and the dark days that followed, how hard school had been for him, and that he was still struggling today. They also found out that they had a lot in common as far as hobbies went as well.  

When it was time for Blake to leave, he has almost made it to the door when Nick asked, “what stopped you during all of those dark times?”  

Blake looked back and knew it was not a question asked out of curiosity but one of hopefulness. He responded, “let me tell you what my father use to tell me.”