Loneliness

6:30 am

Florida-Georgia Line begins to play softly, causing the cell phone to light up; sleepily Rachel swipes the snooze button. Placing the phone by her hip, she keeps her thumb over the phones speaker to make the sound of the alarm even softer. Her entire body begins to tremble as she awaits the dreaded call.

After some time passes, Rachel falls back into a fitful sleep, anxious thoughts in the back of her mind keeps her from gaining a deep peaceful slumber. A couple of hours later, she's awake again, blinking the sleep away despite wanting to just sleep the day away; yet her eyes wander to her cell phone: 10:45.

'Well, I guess now's as good a time to get up as any,' thought Rachel glumly, 'I can always have a nap later.'

Picking up her cell phone, she scrolls through her email and Facebook; Rachel listens to the noises her roommates are making in the kitchen. She hopes that they hurry so that she can get something to eat and freshen up in the bathroom, all without having to make conversation. 'I'll just close my eyes until I think they've gone downstairs or out.' yawned Rachel closing her eyes once more

She hoped for more sleep, yet sleep didn't seem to want to come to her; after what seemed like forever, Rachel opened her eyes again and checked the time: 11:15. Groaning, she throws back the covers and swings her legs over the edge of the bed; her eyes roam over the contents of her bedroom as her mind muses over the activities she will do that day.

Unlocking her bedroom door, she crosses the short distance across the hall to the bathroom, quickly closing the door behind her. Sighing, Rachel glances at her reflection in the mirror only to find anxiously tired eyes blinking back at her; her pale freckled skin seemed to her to be a little more pale than usual. Completing her bathroom duties, she rushes back into her bedroom, foregoing the chance to prepare a breakfast favouring the safety and peace of her bedroom instead. Her stomach protests the lack of food for the third morning in a row...or was it the eighth morning in a row? Rachel had lost count by now. 'I think I am growing use to no breakfast now,' sighs Rachel sadly, 'even though breakfast is one of my favourite meals.'

Desperate to get out of the house, Rachel quickly changed into day clothes and went through her make up routine. Gulping down some water, Rachel grabbed her purse, keys and sunglasses and prepared herself to make a beeline to the front door of the house. Slipping on her sandals, and a quick hello to her roommate sitting in the living room, Rachel locks the door behind her. Cool air softly caressed her skin, drawing a sigh of relief from her lips; 'I feel as though I've just been released from prison.'

For the first time that day, Rachel's step had a happy bounce to it as she walked to her car and slid in behind the wheel. 'I think I will go to the library quick, then maybe the mall and Chapters.' thought Rachel contentedly driving, her fingers turning the volume up, singing happily to Alan Doyle's songs.

The trip to the library was quick but caused her to be happy knowing that she was able to go into the building filled with books (despite not actually being able to wander through the books personally).

There was a little frustration as she drove down to the mall, much to her expectation, but she persevered and pulled into a parking spot at the mall. Slipping her mask into place, she made her way into the mall and began to wander through; Rachel headed for her favourite store. The movie store. As always, she hoped to purchase a new movie or TV show, but knew she shouldn't due to her stressful financial situation. After a few moments, she was unable to find what she wanted to purchase, she left the store. For a few moments, she stood and looked around her. A pang of sadness shrouded her heart, everyone else that had decided to go to the mall that day, seemed to have a companion. Rachel watched their happy smiles and cheerful laughter.

Determined not to cry, she hurried along, but did not bother to go into any other store; her heart felt heavy and alone. For the last year, Rachel had felt so terribly alone; 'I know I am surrounded by family, though they live in the surrounding towns as well as a city six hours away...and I have an aunt and uncle who live here,' thought Rachel blinking to keep the tears away, 'though I know they are busy with their work and lives...I still cannot help, but, feel so alone,'

'I live with two roommates that I struggle with in different ways, I'm struggling to meet and date someone. I am so ready to marry and start a family and yet it seems to avoid me at every turn! The house that I've been living in for the last what...four, five years, now feels like a prison!'

Rachel's chin quivered as tears threatened to spill over for the third time that day; yet on she walked to the book store. 'I live in a large city, people are out and about and yet...I still feel alone,' mused Rachel unhappily, 'how is that possible? To be in a crowd and still feel so alone.'

Rachel opened the door to the book store and walked inside; the smell of books soothed her continuously frayed nerves. A tiny smile came to her lips, though no one could see it; her feet carried her to her favourite section of the store and she allowed her eyes to slowly roam over each title. Rachel pulled a few books from the shelves, relishing the written words telling her what story awaited her in each book.

At last, her fingers gripped tight a new book from one of her favourite authors; 'Surely, it can't hurt to get one book.' and with that thought in mind, Rachel held it close and walked to the front of the store to purchase it. Eagerly, she walked out and made her way back to her car, sliding again behind the wheel; her hands gliding reverently over the front cover of her newly purchased book. Then an anxiety inducing thought entered her mind, 'Do I really have to go back to the house now?' quickly another thought entered her mind, 'Surely, there is somewhere else I can go...maybe the dollar store or...maybe I could go to Tim Hortons, I have a gift card I can use.'

Rachel decided that her next point of destination would be the famed Canadian restaurant, there she would get her favourite hot drink: white hot chocolate and perhaps a doughnut. 'Okay, I can do that...it will buy me a few more minutes.' Rachel began the ten minute drive to the restaurant, sad thoughts seemed to consume her mind, loneliness overwhelmed her just as it did every day...multiple times a day. Rachel felt at such a loss of what to do to correct this negative, hurtful feeling; whatever she did only ever seemed to be a temporary band aid.

Rachel pulled into the drive through and made her order, it took only a few minutes to collect the hot drink and treat. Then reluctantly, she began the too short trek back to the house that seemed to keep her prisoner. The closer she got, the more teary eyed she got. Pulling in front of the house, Rachel looked out the passenger window as the tears finally began to pour down her cheeks.

“I just can't stand it anymore!” sobbed Rachel furiously wiping the tears from her cheeks, “I feel like a prisoner in my own home, desperate to get away. It seems no matter where I go, loneliness follows me!”

Anger quickly overtook her, Rachel slammed her hands against her steering wheel several times over. This burst of rage was quickly replaced by guilt for feeling angry, for feeling lonely, for feeling guilty. “I don't know what to do...I just feel so guilty for feeling anxious, lonely, angry...I j-just don't understand...”

Tears raced down her face at neck breaking speed, Rachel loathed to go inside as she knew that as usual she would shut herself inside her bedroom because she wasn't fond of her roommates, one more so than the other. All Rachel wanted was go back home to her parents, there she felt needed, safe and loved (she did feel comfort knowing all this despite living in a city away from the majority of her family. What she longed for was to be side by side with her loved ones instead of twenty minutes, an hour and six hours away).

Rachel sat in her car and waited for the tears to dry, she couldn't stand the thought of her roommates knowing she had been sitting in her car crying. She knew she must put a smile on her face despite what she felt; she also knew that she needed to sound happy. Rachel knew she would feel guilty for causing her loved ones to be sad knowing she was miserable.

This was her every day routine: when she was alone, Rachel knew it was okay to cry and indulge her sadness by eating junk food (though that would also make her feel guilty); she would also try to distract herself with movies and writing her stories. Of course, this was also the time anxiety would swallow her up whole until late that evening (later that evening Rachel knew she could enjoy a few hours of peace...that is until the next morning at 6:30).

Rachel wondered every day why she always felt so afraid, she couldn't understand it. “I never used to be this fearful,” murmured Rachel staring blankly at the wall across from her, “I used to be able to roll with the punches, but now...now I am just...a big puddle of fear and anxiety mixed into a thundercloud of loneliness.”

Now, as was routine, Rachel made her bed and made herself comfortable upon it and flipped through one of her movie binders. Once she had selected a movie, she put it in the DVD player, turned the TV on and sat back down on her bed. Picking up the remote, Rachel pushed play as she desperately tried to ignore her quivering chin and tear filled eyes. She tried to ignore the stabbing pains of loneliness that leaked into her body and mind. Rachel forced herself to focus on the movie, while she also tried to decide what she make for lunch...well it was actually dinner time and she had just realized she had missed both breakfast and lunch yet again. 'I guess I should actually make something to eat...I haven't eaten anything today except for a doughnut and hot chocolate.' Rachel decided and went into the kitchen with a polite smile on her face, in case she had to make conversation. She prepared a quick and easy meal, before sealing herself off in her room once again. Rachel had never felt so sad, she knew that this would be her same routine the next day, and the next day and the next day. She was desperate to change this, but didn't know what to do.

At long last, Rachel turned off all her technology and went to the bathroom, for a few moments she stared at her reflection. Sad, lonely eyes stared back at her, her lips trembled for what now seemed the millionth time that day. Concluding her bathroom duties, Rachel went back into her room, turned off her light and crawled into bed.