The Funny Bone

“Ah hell.” I murmur. The car pulls to an abrupt stop, the sound of soft rain just barely heard over the laughing and speaking of the club.

“Not getting cold feet now, are you Coops?” I turn my head away from the bright sign of the club and look at my chauffeur for the night.

“Welp. If I’m being completely honest, Jackie, It’s less cold feet and more everything below my collar bone has gone to absolute zero.”

Jackie cracks a smirk. “Well, that really sucks! But you’ll do fine. Also! Do us both a favor and save the jokes for the stage, wontcha?”

I roll my eyes, but the banter does calm my heart rate for the time being. I let out an exasperated sigh, “I guess there isn’t much to do now except… go?”

“Great plan!” Jackie leans over me and opens the door before shoving me out of the car. I stumble out but catch myself. I give her a scowl but she’s giving me a bright grin and then turns to let herself out of the car. After shutting the door with a loud slam she glances at the club. “The Funny Bone, really?” She looks back at me with a slight grimace.

I shrug, “not many comedy clubs, take what you can get.” Jackie echos the shrug and begins to weave her way through the groups of people gathering outside the rain-soaked venue.

Inside the club is warm and comfortably dark. Most of the tables are full with people and the air smells of bar food and drinks. At the other end of the club is a large wooden stage, there’s a guy telling jokes with an almost effortless charm. The crowd is eating it up. I unintentionally pull at my collar a bit when I feel Jackie give me a quick tap on the shoulder.

I lean in to hear over the comedian and the other sounds of the club. “Where are we going?” I look up stretching my neck to see where the other acts are meant to go. Eventually I see that off in the far corner is a dimly lit sign that reads “Employees Only.”

I nudge Jackie and lean toward her ear. “I think I see. Follow.” She gives a quick nod and I walk between the tables of people trying to block out the sounds of their laughter. As we make our way toward the employee area the warmth that was cozy now starts to feel unbelievably hot. Jackie and I eventually find our way there and let ourselves into a hallway that leads down a few steps. We find ourselves in a small lounge area, there’s a few others sitting around. Some seem pretty relaxed while others look about as bad as I feel. I stumble slightly making my way toward the closest vacant couch and fling myself onto it.

Jackie plops onto it with the same lack of grace. She leans forward a bit and looks at me and starts talking, “you good man? Cause if I’m a hundred percent honest.” She gives me a quick glance before continuing, “you sure as hell don’t look great.”

I scoff out a laugh. “I’m sure you’ve seen me look worse. Besides, why would I have any reason for concern? I’m only about to perform at a gig that can basically make or break my currently nonexistent career.” I wipe my face with both hands stretching it back. After a deep sigh I decide that pacing is preferable to sitting and get off the worn couch.

Jackie remains seated, crossing one leg over the other watching me pace back and forth.

I can feel myself begin to slip into the depths of my mind, I make no attempt to stop it and find myself riding shotgun to my anxiety fueled thoughts. Saying this is a mess and a half is the understatement of the century. I mean I know you can be a hell of an egocentric ass but jeez! This is a new low for us man. How do you think we’re going to get out of this? Now, I know what you should do, run. I can’t imagine you going out on the stage and there being any outcome better than running with your tail between your legs. I mean did you see that guy who was up on stage before you? He was like the love child of John Mulaney and Brad Pitt! All I’m saying, is that you lack the preparation, talent and charisma to do anything remotely related to the talent industry. Why don’t you go back to college and study for finance like dad suggested? You’re good with numbers, good enough to at least make a decent living! If you leave now you can at least leave with the last shreds of dignity you have.

I feel reality begin to drip back in as someone seems to be trying to get my attention. I blink a few times and look around the room to see that it’s only Jackie and I. Jackie has a look on her face, one of concern and annoyance. I swallow, or rather, I try to as currently my mouth is as dry as the Sahara. I wipe my brow to find that all the liquid that I was trying to gulp down has gone and migrated North to find itself planted thoroughly on my brow. I shake my hand violently to discard any sweat, I’m about to look towards the stage but Jackie grabs my attention first.

“Hey Coops, you good? You kinda spaced out there for a bit.”

With a shaky breath I say in as steady of a tone as I can manage, “Just got…  caught up in my thoughts a bit.”

She nods a bit with a sympathetic frown. “You know… I think you just need to chill about this. That’s all.” She finishes with a shrug.

I look at her with what I assume to be barely concealed madness. “Chill? Chill?” I can feel my brow furrowing and my eyes squinting as I say this. “How on god’s green earth am I supposed to chill right now? I’m not sure if you’ve looked out there but there’s like… l-like 100 people out there!” I swing my left arm out gesturing to the curtain as I whisper with as much fierceness as I can muster.

Jackie gives a deep sigh before lazily getting up off the couch she was slumped on. She takes both of her hands out of the pocket of her hoodie and firmly plants them on both of my shoulders. “Look at me Cooper.” It takes me a moment but I work up the courage to look at her eyes. They’re half-lidded as always, but the lazy nonchalance that normally fills them has been replaced by an intense seriousness. “There’s a reason you’re here tonight. It’s because you’re funny and we both know you’re hot shit. Now all you need to do is take some deep breaths and realise that you are the best damn comedian here. I think this is a perfect situation to take a page outta my book.”

“The book of apathy?”

“The one and only!” She gives me a genuine smile. “Cooper. You are going to kill it. You get in your own head and look for all these reasons not to do something. All these reasons for why you’re wrong and everyone else is right. What you need to realise, is that if all you do is talk yourself down from these situations, you’re going to end up living a life where you feel like you haven’t done anything. You’re going to find that you’ve lived a life full of regrets. And even if it goes bad, turn it around into a funny story, it’s sort of what you do.”

“What I want to do Jackie.”

“What you’re going to do Cooper. Now, channel all that nihilistic self-deprecating humor into jokes instead of beating yourself up. And if you can’t manage that, just do it on stage and make sure it's funny.”

With a sigh I pull Jackie into a tight hug. I feel her tapping on my shoulder and she dramatically gasps for air as I let go. It looks like she’s about to say something when another voice comes over the PA system. “One more round of applause for Kelly Smith!” There is the sound of a cheering applause coming from the stairs leading up to the stage. “Alright folks, we only have a couple of more comedians for the night, so make sure to give Cooper Fulton a warm welcome!” The sound of some light applause can be heard from the stage.

I give one last look at Jackie who is giving me a warm smile. I swallow hard and nod a few times before walking up the stairs toward the stage. Jackie calls out to me, “Knock em dead Coops!” I chuckle a little and emerge on stage.

The light is bright and hot. The announcer is a middle-aged guy who gestures toward the mic stand. He throws a wink my way and begins to walk off stage clapping all the while. Looking out toward the crowd, everyone seems to be in a good mood, smiles all around and not a single sour face. I chuckle a bit to myself and smirk a bit. Ah what the hell, why not have a good time with it?