I love you, but

Christmas was coming up and Patty dreaded the period. Another dinner, family, friends you had not see for ages and the infamous parties to look forward to. What would this year hold; more resolutions, more promises, broken, more ideas that lead to nowhere. More the point, when was David going to finally propose. They had been together 10 years now, that was a lifetime. They had lived together for 5 and she had hope that may be, may just this year, he was going to 'do the right thing'. After all, what was the matter with her? She harboured these secret thoughts about white dresses and a honeymoon on the ocean, so why did her reality not come true. 'I will address it today,' she thought, 'after all, a girl like me can't be hanging on forever'.

She sauntered into the kitchen where David was preparing a beef and red pepper sandwich, his favourite. Without looking up from his plate, she approached him gingerly.

'I have been thinking' she started ' about how long we've been together and why, well, how come we are not yet.. married' she blurted out. ' Married ?' he repated, ' I never thought you really wanted to get married' he retorted. ' I mean, it's an old-fashioned institution after all..' he faltered now, not looking up from his now-empty plate.' And anyway, you'd need to lose a few pounds if you want to walk up the aisle. After all, you want to look your best, don't you ?'

She could hear her breath, slow and deep, within her chest, rising from within her; she exhaled methodically, concentrating on counting the seconds, 1..2..3 and then she looked at him and saw a different David to the kid, sweet boy of her youth. He had hardened over time and she had not noticed. ' So, I am fat, is that why you won't marry me ?' she asked, straight as an arrow. ' Well, not fat just a little plumper.. well, tubbier.. I mean more rounded than when we met really'. She examined the pupils of his eyes, they were dilated - was he angry, lying, mean, telling the truth ?

' Just to be clear, you think I am bigger than I was and won't marry me til I lose weight. Is that it ?' ' Well, I guess that's what I mean, after all, the photos will add a few more pounds and without being cruel, you do like your puddings. May be you need to examine why you overeat. Why is that, you never used to'. She could hardly look at him, but she was rooted in the kitchen and now began to look at her feet. Did he have a point - had she got careless with food, was she unhappy and comfort-eating. why had she not noticed and did anyone else observe this fact ? She was older, of course and people do put on weight in mid life, but why had he said nothing, and then why had she not noticed and then again, why would someone who loved you, mention something like this. Was it to help or hurt ? She moved away and decided to go the library.

Ever since she was a little girl, she had loved books - book shops, the feel of the paper, the library, paper itself. The touch of paper felt warm to her fingertips. She loved the smell of the leather covers, the warm touch of the pages, the knowledge that someone else may have read that book before her; were they young, single, married, black, white, foreign, happy, sad at that moment of reading the book. she found herself in the self-help section. What book did she need - psychology, meditation, hypnosis, stress. What was her 'condition' as she now saw herself as having. She fingered her way from A-Z and then found herself looking at 'Confidence - how to be the best You you can be'. That sounded interesting. She flicked the pages and discovered a section on lack of awareness. She read the words with interest, picking up some and dropping others.... words such as 'shy', 'self-deprecating', ' low self-esteem' and then the Eating disorder section. People could over-eat if they were happy and unhappy. How strange, she thought. She looked at the chapter titles and then found herself slowly understanding that food was he joy, food was her comfort, food was her undoing and her 'doing'. She loved to cook for others more than for herself. SHe ate on the go, anything, meals, veggies, snacks, bread. She had been indulging a little too much, but why. Then it dawned on her. It was not because David had not proposed or middle-age or boredom. It was hr lack of self-esteem. She had felt invisible for a long time, as if she were a house-keeping, looking after her home, but for David to then take small swipes, small wounds that he knew would hurt her all-too sensitive feelings. So after an emotional pot-shot, she would have a biscuit or cake or mint as a treat, a pick-me up to feel better, to make the pain stop and to not think about the criticism. She turned page after page. 'Did she lover herself?' she thought. She was not sure, I mean who asks that of themselves. She sat down and thought hard. She had not liked herself for year. She had not loved David for years. She was enlightened and felt like she had dropped her baggage on the floor. She was seeing clearly now and what she saw shocked her. David was not the man for her and she had changed, just as he had hardened, she had come to realise that there was not future for them. This one simple book had shown her the light. She needed to not lose weight, but lose the burden that haunted her, of being the perfect partner, the perfect house-keeper, the perfect person. There was no such thing. She and he were both flawed but only he could see her flaws, she had never noticed his and certainly never asked for love or marriage, with conditions attached. She grabbed the book and without getting her card out, she vacated the library, clutching her 'bible'. She could not remember the walk home, it seemed to be over so fast. ' What's that you're holding ?' asked David upon her return. ' This' she muttered' this small, amazing little book has helped me to come to a decision, about us. I know I might need to lose a few pounds, you're right' she muttered' before we get married, that is'. David was not sure if this was some kind of trap, a marriage-trap. ' Well, if you think you can lose 10 or more pounds, we can marry in the summer' he stated, disingenuously as if forced to consent to a crime.' A June bride' she thought to herself. ' I have a better idea' she counter-acted' why don't I keep this book and get rid of 200 pounds. I mean, I want to finally be free of .....YOU' she said, looking him directly in the eye. And with that, she sat on her stool and prepared herself a cheese and ham sandwich, with mayo and mustard, and chips on the side.