The Frogs we Kiss to Cook for You

BigGuyDick: Hi babe, digging ya profile, send me a titty pic?

FionaC: Wow, FenGirl, you. are. beautiful. If ever you fancy changing teams let me know xx

BigGuyDick: Babe??? Nip nips???

Caniches@4: Bonjour belle dame, aimez-vous les caniches? J’en ai quatre. J’adore les caniches.

MrBrianFJones: Dear FenGirl, if I am correct (which, due to my high IQ I usually am) then I do believe your third photograph was taken on the Isle of Wight. I am so confident of this that I am willing to place a bet on it. I do have a small gambling addiction but sincerely hope this will not dissuade you from contacting me, you do not seem the judgemental type and I am sure you must have played bingo or slot machines. Perhaps we could meet up for weak tea with three sugars and a salted tomato sandwich. Or, if you prefer, a day at the greyhound races in Walthamstow. (I personally would prefer the latter but ultimately, and because I am an old-fashioned gentleman it is of course your choice). With kindest regards and best, warmest wishes, Mr. Brian F. Jones of Derby.

PS: I am marginally older than you but only by twenty-three years. When I am wearing my toupee, I look much younger (Please see picture number 18 on my profile).

Phil-TBC: Warning! This site is full of scammers! Do not respond to anyone! DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYONE!!! I just had my credit card rinsed by a woman claiming to be in love with me! We’d been shopping! Now she’s blocked me! SCAMMERS! This site is full of SCAMMERS!

BoatMan: Hello FenGirl, I love your profile. I’m new to this site too, I’m not sure about it though, seem to be many… weirdos? What’s your experience of it so far?

FenGirl: Hi BoatMan, thanks for contacting me. Your profile looks great, too. And yes, early days but I agree, many weirdos.

I see you’re fluent in Spanish? Tambien tengo un poco de espanol. And you live on a boat?

BoatMan: Me gusta que tengas espanol, es mi idioma favorito. Yes, I live on a lovely old barge in Cornwall. You’re in Lincolnshire? It’s quite a distance from here. I’m Jed, happy to meet you. (Would love to meet you). (And I love lasagne) 😊

BigGuyDick: Ya legs are fat. No wonder ya single

M@Jason: Greetings FenGirl. Cool profile. You say you’re sporty. Do you surf?

FenGirl: Hi M@Jason, thanks for messaging. No, I don’t surf, I run a lot and play squash. Where do you surf?

M@Jason: Shame. I love a woman in a wet suit. What colour panties you wearing?

FenGirl: Hi Jed, sorry for the late reply, I spent most of last night blocking and reporting weirdos. Ugh.

Yes, we’re about 350 miles apart – way beyond both of our preferred 50 miles distance. Does this site admin even look at preferences??? Methinks not. Enjoyed chatting with you though.

Good luck with everything,

Sarah

Walker: Hi FenGirl, you and your profile look nice. If you’re not already partnered up with someone on here it would be nice to chat a bit. Christian

FenGirl: Hi Christian, thanks for messaging. No, I’m not partnered up with anyone on here – is anyone on here even sane? Haha

Walker: Me and you? I’ve been on here for nearly 3 months again now, still trying to find someone who can hold good conversation. It’s difficult. My membership finishes this month; I won’t renew it again. Where was the pic of that desert town taken? It reminds me of Game of Thrones.

FenGirl: Winner! It’s Ait Ben Haddou, Morocco. They filmed some GOT scenes there, also Lawrence of Arabia, Gladiator, Living Daylights, loads of films. I’m sure it was lovely in its time, but it’s all geared for tourism now. Your profile doesn’t give much away, what do you work as? I used to work as a secretary in an estate agency.

IamTheOne: hey sexy, wanna hang out? Smoke hash? You can get to Liverpool?

BoatMan: Hi Sarah, I don’t mind travelling. Are you willing to give me your WhatsApp? I’d love to get to know you, maybe a telephone call at some point? Jed

Walker: I used to go on holidays too, haven’t done any since me and my ex split. She burned my passport after I threatened to bin her false eyelashes. Haven’t replaced it yet, can’t be fussed. Do you wear fake eyelashes? I hate fake eyelashes. I live in Edinburgh. Can you drive? I’m unemployed – long story but I got sacked off last week for being late again. B*stards.

TallPete: Hello FenGirl, I really like your profile. We’re only about 15 miles from each other. Would you like to meet up for some playtime at the weekend? No strings, Pete.

FenGirl: Hi Pete, thanks for messaging, also for that lovely invitation but no, thank you I don’t want to meet up with you for some playtime. Although your profile says you’re single, I know you’re married to Janine my, cousin. I came to your wedding last month. You probably don’t remember me because you were hammered. I was one of the people who helped pull you out of the boating lake. In retrospect, I should have stood on your head. I’ll let Janine know I’ve heard from you. Dickhead.

ChurrioBoy: I’v alwys wntd 2 hook up wiv a oldr womn. Mssge me yeh?

Walker: I can drive but not until I get my license back. I could borrow some money from my mate Rocky and catch the train down to see you? Send me your address. Lots of love, Christian xxxxxxx

FenGirl: Breaking all the distance rules for you Jed the BoatMan but here goes, +7559553555 (Please don’t be a weirdo!)

ChurrioBoy: Yr hot. Sizzle stuff. Like KFC.

Walker: We can Netflix n chill. I’ll bring snacks. Love you xxxx

BoatMan: Hi Sarah, I’ve just Whatsapped you, Jed.

Jed: Hi Sarah, it’s Jed. How’s your evening going?

Sarah: Jed, hi! OMG!!! That site is bonkers!! Save meeeee…!

Jed: Haha. Yes, it’s full on. First time I’ve tried online dating, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be doing it again. There are some crazy women (and men) out there. Did you meet up with anyone?

Sarah: No, but turns out I’d already met one of the guys who contacted me - at his wedding to my cousin a month ago!! Nightmare. Did you?

Jed: Almost. But then her husband rang me, threatening to chop my dick off if I so much as even thought about meeting up with her. Her profile said she was divorced. She’d forgotten to mention she’d remarried. Do you have plans for this weekend?

Sarah: Yes, helping my sister and brother-in-law to pack. She’s pregnant, they’ve just bought a new house. You?

Jed: Congrats on the auntie label!! Heading to my friends in Oxford, they’ve just moved in and need some odd jobs doing. Maybe we could catch up next week? I’d like to call you, would that be, ok?

Jed: I’ll message first to make sure it’s convenient. Around 7pm?

Sarah: Yes, that would be great. Looking forward to it. Bye.

Jed: Me too. Have a great weekend. Bye. I’ll call you on Monday. Happy face!

PashMan: funGirrrrl you is cute like a popsicle. you hairy? i like hairy

Sarah: Hi Kate. Yes, I did get some responses!! Ugh. Yuk. All the swear words. I’m taking my profile down. Too many nutters including Pete, Janine’s husband!!! One guy seems nice though, Jed. He’s calling me on Monday.

Kate: You gave him your number?

Sarah: Yes.

Kate: Does he know your situation?

Sarah: No

Kate: Will you tell him?

Sarah: No. I need to know he wants me for me, not my inheritance. If it gets towards anything serious, I’ll rent a little cottage in the sticks somewhere, live there while we last, use my old Corsa to run around in.

Kate: You'll lie? You don’t think you’ll last?

Sarah: Christ Kate, you know what I’m like. Money or no I’m useless at relationships, always choosing the wrong man, falling in love too quickly, believing this one’s my prince charming, getting my heart broken blah blah blah. Fairy tale endings don’t happen for me; you’re the sister who gets those, not me. Besides, it'll be my first attempt since we inherited. I don't want to fuck it up. Honestly, I don't. I want a man who loves me for me. I want what mum and dad had, what you and Chris have got.

Kate: They'd want you to be happy. We want you to be happy. Please be happy Sarah, trust a little bit, give more, be honest.

Sarah: Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on one. You deserve all the loveliness in the world, I’m glad it comes to you. Anyway, how’s my little niece or nephew doing? Making you look fat yet?

Kate: Rude

Sarah: That’s a yes then, say hi to the little bump for me. Okay fatty gotta go, another meeting with Mr. P. See you tomorrow, love you xx

Kate: You too xx PS: My meeting with Mr. P this morning was a a shocker – seems Mum had another two offshores stashed away. He thinks there might be more. Be prepared.

Jed: Sarah, hi. At the risk of you blocking me – some confessions.

I know it’s only Friday, but I can’t stop thinking about you. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. And excited. I want to start off on an honest footing with you, I don’t want you to be shocked or disappointed by or in me in any way.

I wish I had the courage to tell you on the phone but, it’s difficult. I can only trust you’ll understand.

Last year my parents and I were involved in a freak helicopter crash, just off Jersey. I was piloting and the only survivor. The accident left me with leg injuries, a stammer and more money than I can shake my walking stick at. Physio and Speech Therapy are helping but it’s a long road. I can at least walk short distances and drive now.

Mentally I’ve officially been deemed ‘sane and stable’ but PTSD still happens, I see a shrink once a month.

I understand if you choose not to follow up on us, I know I’m a lot. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve deceived you in any way.

All the good things,

Jed.

Sarah: FFS sake Kate, that Jed guy knows about me. He just messaged some drivel about a helicopter crash and having more money than he can shake a stick at. Grrr….

Kate: Have you googled him? I’ll call you in 5 x

Sarah: OMG Kate, he was telling the truth. He’s Jed Wayland, as in Wayland Waterparks Wayland. He was flying back from the opening of the new park in Jersey when a freak storm hit. OMG.

Sarah: Shall I fess up to him?

Kate: Yes.

Kate: But only if you’re prepared to give it a real go with him. Poor guys got enough to deal with without you messing him about, no point in going half-mast as mum used to say.

Sarah: Kate, his site name is BoatMan. Is it a sign from mum? the half-mast thing?

Kate: Maybe, she always wanted a good one for you. Let me know how it goes. Here for you. Love you xx

Sarah: Hi Jed, thanks for your message and, your honesty. I love honesty, I want to be honest with you too.

If you still want to, I would love us to chat on Monday. But... I also have a confession. It’s a good confession, I think. I mean I don’t think you’ll mind.

I’m wealthy, filthy wealthy, ridiculously filthy wealthy too. Not my choice either, had to lose my dad and then my mum to be it. I don’t think you want me for my money. I think you want me for those amazing cooking skills I bragged about on the site.

My lasagne will knock your socks off x