Entry 70, 1942
He called you Alfie I wonder why, maybe it is the name of one of his brothers. He spoke too often about them and how the war already took one.
I wish I kissed him one last time, but he looked so tired and hurt. At least I have you to remember sweet Theo by.
Entry 20, 1942
Today was too overwhelming I should not have smiled at him nor have handed him the serviette with the telephone number on it. As much as I wish to not have done that I would do it once more, Alfie, I would sit at that table across from him so I could see the flip of his curls as he looked up at me. It makes me long for sleep tonight but now more than ever my mind will not let me rest not when Johnny has been drafted for the war. Mr Arthur has taken notice of how unresponsive I am in his classes and offered to sell me some pills but father already struggles with sending the rent money I could not possibly use it for anything else.
Edgar, my new flatmate also arrived today, he talks a lot but I like it, it fills the silence and he promised to get me something to help me sleep. He left earlier to buy some food he saw that I don’t eat much. How could I when I send half the money back to mother and father, they even called me last month to express their gratitude. It is the only happiness I can give them, now that two of their sons have been drafted for the war and I might be next.
Sleep wont come anytime soon knowing that as weak as Johnny is, as weak as I am we still have to fight for a cause we did not sign up for.
Entry 27, 1942
Tonight, I can see more than a handful of stars I wish you could see it with me, Alfie. I wish you were more than just a book. Edgar says I am too quiet for certain people’s taste but he likes the fact that I listen to him. I want to tell him that I like to listen to his voice but I am afraid it will make me seem weirder than I am. He tells me stories at night until one of us falls asleep, usually him. Tonight, he did not want to talk to me I think something happened at his home.
Mother sent me a letter saying to look out at the stars when I feel alone because she’ll be looking at them with me. I know it is too late for her to be awake and too cold but it still brings me comfort thinking that she could be looking at the same part of the universe as I am.
He still has not called and I do not have money to go to the café anytime soon, I wish I knew his name I think that would bring me more comfort than watching the stars, maybe it might even bring a bit of sleep.
Entry 30, 1942
Luca, it is Italian.
Luca called today Edgar answered he thought it was his sister but It was Luca. Edgar seemed shocked that someone other than my parents were waiting for me. When I heard Luca's voice my mind could not make out a word it was excited and scared all at once. I reached the phone and managed a greeting. He seemed just as muddled as I was.
Luca kept calling me Theo, I like it maybe because it makes me feel like another person, he makes me feel like another person. We kept laughing at how foolish we were, luckily Edgar was not in the room to see how vulnerable I was at that moment. We are meeting in two days at his place I don’t know why I agreed but I did.
I might have something other to sleep for tonight, Alfie.
Entry 2, 1942
It gets too lonely here, the city seems to sleep with its residents and when it does my mind goes quiet with it as well. Mother told me that what makes one truly mad is not when your mind starts making noise but when you do not have control over what noise it makes. It hurts when I go to bed for rest and my mind is aware of its existence and its task to switch off but it would rather make me look at the darkness in my eye socket and imagine the war that awaits for me, and that already has its grip on my brothers. I might be missing home, even if I shared a bed with three of my brothers at least I felt safe and could sleep.
Entry 42, 1942
I have taken two of the pills that Edgar brought me. Tonight, I would really like to sleep because today is a day I want to relive over and over, dear Alfie. Today I kissed him, I did not expect for anything real to emerge from our relationship, but the way Luca speaks to me makes me feel like I exist only to be with him and not to make my family happy or fight for a war. It was too quick because we were on the steps outside of his apartment and if anyone saw we would be thrown in prison but Alfie it was something I did not have control over nor want to have control over.
I am in awe of the impulsiveness that comes with love and both scared of it, maybe I am being reckless? Maybe I should end all this? Though I can finally sleep again, dear Alfie, and I think I have had a glimpse of what true happiness feels like with Luca. What will I do?
Entry 67, 1942
Luca was drafted, Alfie. He is going to leave and I have just fallen in love with him. I cried in front of him and he smiled he said I should not waste my tears on him, but I was not crying for him I was crying for myself. I had finally found my peace, my mind is no longer hurting me and I could finally sleep. Now that is gone, now I will go back to fearing death and not living life.
I can feel the tears again Alfie, I do no think I want to rest my eyes tonight. Maybe you could keep me company. Sometimes I picture you with hair as black as a raven and eyes as dark as father’s shoes. You like to write but hate reading. Once in a while you come and visit me just to listen to the thoughts I have, the one's I can not share with anyone and when you visit you stay up all night with me just so that I do not feel alone.
I like your smile it is narrow and plum, sometimes you kiss me goodbye but only in a friendly manner. Only to show everyone that you do not care of the dangers that come with it. I wish you were here with me Alfie, I wish you were more than just paper bound together but at least I can hold you tonight as I further dwell in my sorrow.
Entry 69. 1942
Luca is leaving tomorrow.
I received some pills that might last for a while, just until Luca departs from my mind. I can not write in you any longer, dear Alfie. I have become too dependent on you and my mind can not distinguish between reality and you. I might be getting sick, Alfie.
Let us spend one more night looking up into the night sky, before I leave you for good.