A Few More Red Lights

“See you round then.”

“Yeah. Goodbye.”

It feels so formal to say that, but I can’t bear to say it any other way. ‘See you’ or ‘laters’ are more natural, but that would just be lying. I can’t have the last thing I say to Alex be a lie.

He smiles at me and turns to head home, waving over his shoulder as he goes. And just like that he’s gone. I can’t help wonder if he’s the last person I’ll ever see.

The walk home is quiet, as it always is this time of night. The plan had been to take in all the scenery, to fix the memories of my home-town in my mind before… before what happens next, yet try as I might I can’t seem to care enough. As my eyes skim over the lights and the rustle of the wind tickles my ears, all I can think about are the steps I’ll have to go through.

Not that there’s much left to actually do. I’ve been planning this in my head for months, and over the last week I’ve slowly put each part into place. All that’s left is the act, and then that’s that. Literally.

Do I have any regrets? I’m not sure, although the fact that tonight is happening should probably be one. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels more like an inevitable course. Why would you expect a train to go left, when you can see the tracks going right? My life was always heading this way.

A few people have tried to help over the years, putting up red lights as though that can change a trains course. All it can do is delay it.

Maybe… maybe I should’ve tried harder to get help. But the few times I did nothing came of it, and there were always more desperate cases. Care for them first; I’ll just sort myself out.

There are only so many times I can go over the plan, and having just left Alex I guess it’s only natural for my mind to drift to my friends. On some level I know this won’t be fair to them, but that doesn’t factor into any of my calculations. Nothing in life is ‘fair’, so why should I let it dictate what I do? They have plenty of fun without me anyway, I’m hardly central to the group.

We’ve had some good times, of course we have. I hope they don’t take this personally. It’s not like we didn’t do enough together, or I felt left out. As I said, inevitability and all that. Destiny, maybe, in a way. No, I suppose obsession would be a better way to phrase it. The idea sits in the back of my mind all the time, an itch that keeps tingling. There’s only so long you can last before you have to just scratch it.

Like that time we went down to the canal at midnight, a few weeks after we’d finished high school. We were all legally old enough to drink, and I don’t think we’d stopped since school had broken up. The local corner shop had given up asking for our IDs already, although we still got plenty of tuts and rolled eyes. This one time Sarah started trying to get lippy with them, before we dragged her outside.

“Dude, you know they’re just waiting for a chance to call the fuzz. Don’t rise to it,” Alex had said. I realise now that he’d always been the brains of the group.

“Why not? We can go anywhere to get booze, they legally have to serve us. Remember?” Sarah said.

“Yeah, but if we’re causing a nuisance they can also arrest us, or drive us home. Do you really think your mum’s gonna care if it’s legal?” That was a low blow- we were all terrified of Sarah’s mum- but it was enough to get her to come away.

We headed down to the canal to let Sarah vent, so she could scream at the ducks and not bother any actual people. After about ten minutes, when there was still no sign of her shutting up, I got the urge to push her in the water. That voice at the back of your head that just says ‘go for it’, the one that promises excitement and hilarity, even while the sensible part of your brain screams no?

I’ve always been a sucker for that voice.

I pushed her in.

There was a moment’s hush after the splashing died down as everyone registered what I’d done. And then, just as she was coming up fuming, everyone else jumped in. Her shouts and insults were lost to the laughter, and I somehow got away without being murdered.

Yeah… we’ve had some good times over the years. I suppose I regret that there won’t be any more. As loud as she is, knowing that Sarah would always take your side in a fight was a comfort over the years.

But like I said, I’ve always been a sucker for that voice. Then it told me to push Sarah in the canal, now it tells me to just get on with it.

I’m back at my flat now and there’s only the slightest buzz of adrenaline. I guess this must be what it’s like when you plan a trip for ages, and then you’re finally getting into the taxi to the airport. In a way it’s the same thing, except, you know, in reverse. It’s hard to say these days; my own emotions are all over the place, assuming I’m feeling anything at all.

Habits are hard to kick, so I go through the motions of putting my shoes away and hanging my keys up next to the door. At least the place will be tidy when they find me.

I go to my bedroom and turn the light on, and there, spread across my bed, are all the things I’ll need. As I double check and run through the plan one last time I debate my choice of clothes. Like, of all things, it doesn’t really matter. Does it? Would another top be better? Yeah, maybe I should change. I might as well wear my favourite top, for the last time.

Clean t-shirt on I turn to leave my room again and check the flat one last time. That’s just stalling, and the stuff on the bed calls me out on it. Chicken, it says. You know you’re going to do this. Why put it off?

So I go and sit on the bed. I pick up the first item and breathe deep-

The doorbell goes.

My brain shifts gears and I don’t know what to do. I could still just- it wouldn’t take long-

The bell goes again, and with a numb sigh I put my equipment down again and go and answer the door.

Alex stands on my door step, a faint sad smile on his lips. I feel naked, as if he can read everything on my face, as if he knows what’s sat on my bed.

All he says though is “Hey.”

“Hey,” I reply. He was always the brains of the group.

Maybe… maybe a few more red lights won’t be the end of the world. I open the door and let him in.