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Christian Contemporary Funny

“Pete, I don’t want to go back to Sunday School. Can you tell mom that I don’t want to go?”

“Why don’t you want to go back to Sunday school Andy?"

“I just don’t. They are starting to get creepy and gross. I just don’t want to go. You gonna help me or what?”

“Andy, I am telling you. There is NO way mom is going to allow you to not go to Sunday school. You are going … you might as well just get used to it. Unless you can tell why and being creepy and gross is not going to work. Mom is going to want to know reasons.”

Andy shrugged his shoulders and replayed the Sunday school lesson in his head. Over and over and over again, but it just felt gross. Maybe after he spent some time with his grandpa, he could figure out how to get out of going.

“Grandpa. What are we going to do today?” Andy declared with enthusiasm.

“Come here kiddo, I have missed you. It has been at least two days since we saw each other.” John hugged Andy and gave Pete a high five. “Are you staying around here too Pete, or are you too big for us boys?”

“Grandpa, you are funny. I am staying. I was hoping we could go fishing.”

Andy interrupted, “NO. I mean…I thought we could go for a walk in the woods or work on the tractor or …”

Both John and Pete looked at Andy with bewilderment. Fishing was his favorite pass time. For Andy to not want to go fishing, something must be up. They also knew that if you pressed, he would just clam up, so they did not.

“Well you can work on the tractor if you want, but I want to go fishing. I am big enough I can go on my own.” Pete proclaimed his age and independence, grabbed the gear, and marched off to the pond. John looked at Andy and said, “Well boy, let’s go look at that old tractor and see if you can figure out why it is sputtering so badly. It sure has me plum baffled.” With a tussle of Andy’s hair, the two marched off to the barn to work on the tractor.

As men folk do, they talked about everything under the sun except what was on Andy’s mind. John tried several different approaches; however, Andy was not ready to divulge any information. After a couple of hours of tinkering with the old tractor and talking about anything and anyone, the men had the tractor running smooth as silk.

Grandma Esther rang the dinner bell and the three came running to the kitchen. She met them at the door with a broom in hand reminding them that were not going to enter her house without first removing the dirt and grime with the hose. As she tapped her broom on the top step, the three men giggled “yes ma’am” and sauntered off to the hose spigot. The men cleaned up and removed their dirty shoes on the back porch.

“What are we having today, Grandma? Smells like catfish.,” exclaimed Pete.

“Maybe because we are having catfish, cornbread, green beans and if you eat all your supper, then we will have a slice of….” She stopped without disclosing what she had made for dessert. Everyone groaned, but Andy sat solemnly. “What’s the matter Andy?” she inquired.

Shrugging his shoulders, Andy sat quietly. The food smelt wonderful, but he could not stomach the idea of eating any of the fish. “Can I just have cornbread and beans Grandma?” Taken back because she knew catfish was his favorite, but realizing there was something else going on, she allowed him to not eat any fish.

When dinner was done and all was eaten that could be consumed, Esther said, “Well it appears that you all are far too full for what I made for dessert. I guess I will just have to feed it to the pigs as slop.” Raising from her chair, she stepped over to the counter to pick up the dome from the platter. All the while the men folk expressing their request and explaining that they all left just enough room so as no food would go to waist. They assured her that there was no need to toss dessert to the pigs. With a barn raising “TA-DAH,” Esther raised the dome and displayed a three-layer German Chocolate cake that she had made earlier in the day.

The four of them devoured their portion of the cake. Esther looked at Andy and asked him to help her clear the table and prepare the dishes to be washed. Without hesitation, Andy rose from his seat and started stacking the plates, then placed all the silverware on top. He walked that first load into the kitchen sink and set it on the counter. As he was returning for round two, Esther was moving the leftover food to the stove. There were two good sized catfish that would have easily been eaten by Andy and he could not take his eyes off them. They looked so delicious. Not watching where he was going, Andy bumped into the table and knocked over a glass of water. Quickly he ran for a towel to clean up the mess and apologized for his clumsiness. Pete and John had already gone back outside so it was just Esther and Andy. “It is okay son. It was just an accident. Are you still hungry? I can warm that fish up pretty quickly if you like?” Andy shook his head and commenced to cleaning up the spilled water.

“Andy, dear. Would you do grandma a favor and help me with the dishes tonight? I will wash if you will dry. My hands are kind of cramping today and your help would be appreciated.”

“Yes ma’am. I made a mess; it is the least I could do.”

The two of them commenced to cleaning up the dishes and putting the food away. They chatted away about school, and that summer break was just a couple of days away. Esther exclaimed that it was odd that they had Monday off then back to school on Tuesday and Wednesday just to be done on Thursday. She explained that it was a lot different from when she went to school. Andy explained that the teachers needed Monday to do their work so they could play the next two days and make sure all the students took home all their stuff. When two had finished, Andy looked at Esther with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Andy, what is that look for?”

“Grandma…can I ask you a question? It is weird and I don’t want you to make fun of me.”

“Son I would never make fun of you. What is on your mind?”

“It is about Sunday school. And since you are old and have gone to lots of Sunday school, I figure you would know the answer.”

Esther smiled at his remarks and agreed that she should know a lot about Sunday School.

“Well, today ….” Andy paused as he tried to decipher how to ask his question. “Today, we learned that Jesus told Peter that he wanted him to be a fisherman of men. Why would Jesus want Peter to eat men? I mean that is just gross and weird. I thought we were supposed to love everyone. But we learned in school that in the ice age cavemen used to eat each other to stay alive and now Jesus is telling Peter to eat people too. I don’t want to go to Sunday school anymore. Can you help me convince mom to not make me go back? I cannot even enjoy eating real fish because I keep thinking about Jesus telling Peter to eat people. Because you know, when you catch fish you eat them, so Jesus was telling Peter to eat people and…”

Esther placed the palm of her hand gently against Andy’s cheek lovingly and asked him to be quiet for a second. He looked up at his grandma and thought for sure that she was going to make fun of him, but as he gazed into her eyes, he saw that she was not going to do what he expected. A calming presence came over him and as she directed him to the table chairs, he found a seat and sat down. Esther sat in front of him and smiled.

“My dear sweat Andy. I am so glad you were listening in Sunday school today. Jesus did tell Peter that he was going to be a Fisher-of-Men, not a fisherman of men. He was using fishing as an example so that Peter would understand. See, fishermen cast out their hook or net to catch the fish, right?” Andy nodded. “Jesus was telling Peter that he was going to be the net and rod and that Jesus was sending him into the world to catch as many souls as he could. Just like a fisherman tries to catch enough fish, Jesus wanted Peter to catch enough men and bring them to heaven. Jesus was not wanting Peter to eat men; he wanted Peter to teach them about Jesus and help them find their way to God.”

Andy pondered for a moment what his grandma had said. He thought back to what the teacher had said. As he processed all the words and how he came to think that Peter was eating humans, he realized that his friend Bobby had said something about the cavemen eating each other and he wondered if Jesus had told them to do the same thing he was telling Peter. It was all starting to make sense…kind of. “Grandma, can I ask you another question?” Esther replied, “Of course love.” “Do you think that I am stupid because I thought Jesus wanted Peter to eat people?” Esther replied, “I do not honey. Many people misunderstand Jesus. That is why he told Peter to go out and teach them. That is why Jesus tells us that we need to go out and teach people the truth so that they understand Him.”

With a sigh of relief Andy gave his grandma a hug and asked, “Can you warm up that fish, I am hungry.”

May 14, 2024 15:20

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