The Odd One Out

I finally let out the labored breath I’d been bottling up the whole day. My arms wrapped around the steering wheel and I rested my head on them as I stretched my aching back. My eyes peeked through my bangs at the digital clock on the dashboard. It was well past the movie time for my date. Of course, the only weekend Holden and I were in the same town, work had to get in the way.

After watching the clock for a couple minutes, my phone buzzed. I picked it up out of the cup holder and glanced at the notification. My eyebrows furrowed and I peeked through the passenger side window up at my porch. There, a familiar figure was hunched over on a bench waving at me. My mouth curled up into a smile and I pushed the car door open, letting in a gust of the nighttime summer breeze.

My feet carried me up the sidewalk to my porch and I leaped into Holden’s arms. I felt his arms squeeze me and pull me off the ground as he stood up straight. He let out a laugh before setting me down and kissing my cheek. “How’ve you been?”

“Stressed, but what else is new?” Before unlocking the door, I pulled out my keys and locked my car. “Also, I’m sorry we had to cancel our movie date. I know you were dying to see Guardians and Traitors.”

“C’mon, don’t worry about it. We could watch a movie here,” he said as he rubbed my back out of reassurance. “I’m just glad to see you and not be in the pool for once. I still smell like chlorine, though.”

As we walked through my house to my kitchen, we turned on the lights and I showed Holden where all the snacks were; in particular, the pantry where the microwave popcorn was. I figured that ought to buy me enough time to change out of my work uniform and into some comfortable clothes.

I went up the stairs and peered down the opposite end of the hallway where my parents and sister’s rooms were both silent. I entered my room and threw on a random t-shirt and a pair of shorts. As I began to descend the stairs, I heard the microwave go off and the sound of a can being opened. The buttery smell of the popcorn started to permeate the house.

In the doorway of the kitchen, I caught another glance of Holden as he poured the popcorn into a large bowl. My eyes scanned him from head to toe, admiring his fluffy brunette locks, lean build, broad shoulders, and smile as his eyes widened at the popcorn. My heart beats out of my chest when I think about the fact that I get the privilege to call him my boyfriend.

I walked past him and opened the fridge to pour myself a glass of water. When he turned around to toss out the bag, something on the refrigerator caught his attention. His eyes were fixed on a photo of my sister and I when we were kids. My lips formed a smile as I stared at it. My sister and I both had the cutest outfits. Mine was an ao dai and hers was a qi pao. They were matching; both pink and had golden flowers embroidered on them. My mother put our hair into buns and my father snapped the picture.

“You and Maya are cute,” he said as he tossed the bag into the garbage. “And you both kinda look similar. Are you sure you guys aren’t from the same biological family?”

I felt my cheeks grow warmer. “Thanks, but no. She’s actually adopted from China. Not Vietnam. But she looks a lot like me because she’s from southern China.”

“Oh, I see. Well, regardless, you’re both cute.”

I playfully elbowed him and pouted, “Hey!”

“But you’re way cuter,” Holden said as he rubbed his arm.

Seeing as he was distracted with the refrigerator pictures, it suddenly dawned on me that I was responsible for taking out the garbage tonight. I let out a groan, wishing that I hadn’t thought of that.

“Hold on. I gotta take out this trash first,” I said as I reached over and began to tie up the bag. “You can go ahead and start the movie if you want.”

Holden straightened up and put his hand on mine. “What? No, I can help you with that.”

“No, go ahead. Really. It’ll only take me like a minute.”

He shrugged in defeat and mouthed an “okay” before retrieving the popcorn and heading off to the living room. Meanwhile, I hoisted the bulky trash bag into the air and made my way out of the house. Once I made it outside and tossed the bag in, I slammed the lid on top of it as to prevent the smell from spreading any faster. I tugged on its handle and tilted it back before pulling it out from the side of the house. From that point on, I let the driveway and gravity do most of the work and I just guided it down to the curb. Once we reached the end of the driveway, I put it back upright and began to head back inside.

But then I stopped in my tracks when a heard a footstep. My head immediately turned to the street. Then my eyes locked in on someone on the opposite side. The guy was wearing a jean jacket, white shirt, and jeans. It was a simple outfit, but for whatever reason, it caught my attention and kept it. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he smiled at me. His soft-spoken voice came out with a shaky breath, “Hi, Merle.”

I felt the words jumble up and get stuck in my throat. My jaw clenched as I took a closer look at his dull, hazel eyes and his sculpted face. My eyes wandered up to his ash brown hair, making my heart skip a beat. My shoulders rose and fell as I let out a flustered sigh. I tore my glance away and blinked at the ground in disbelief. When I looked back over at him, he was still there. Clearly, he wasn’t dead like I thought.

He started to approach me. “Merle?”

My front door flew open, startling both me and the guy on the other side of the street. Holden burst out of my house and came tearing down from the porch. He rushed to my side and wrapped his arm around my shoulder in a protective fashion. His fingers dug into my arm as he pressed me up against him. I could feel his heart pulsating.

Holden’s voice boomed, “Who are you?”

The guy ran a hand through his hair and scratched his neck. “Um, sorry, I think this is a bad time,” he said and began to turn the other way.

“Wait,” I said as I shook off Holden’s grasp. “Dean, is that you?”

Holden took a couple steps toward Dean until his shadow was cast over him. Then he looked back at me and in a hushed tone said, “Hold up. Your friend Dean? The one who died?”

I shrugged and approached the guy who I thought was Dean. He stood there in the middle of the street like a statue. I looked him up and down. It was the same old Dean McCllelan-Kanok that I remembered as a kid—just dressed differently. Our eyes made contact for a second before he broke it off. I felt my shoulders relax as I realized he was still the shy kid from the other side of town.

“Sorry, Merle, I didn’t realize you had company,” Dean said as he gestured toward Holden. “I can just come back later, okay?”

“What? No, you’re not going anywhere. Besides, how are you here right now?”

“It’s kind of a long story. I’ll just tell you tomorrow or something.”

“Hey, man, don’t worry about it,” Holden said. “You guys talk. It’s obvious you guys need to clear the air and stuff.”

My brows furrowed as Holden began to walk away. “Hey, what are you talking about? You can stay.”

“Merle, I really think you two should talk things through,” Holden said as he pulled out his car keys.

“But what about our movie?”

“The movie can wait. Just talk to your friend and call me. Alright?”

Holden didn’t wait for me to respond. Instead, he waved us goodnight and walked away. I watched for a few moments until I saw the headlights of a car appear. Dean and I stepped out of the middle of the street and onto the sidewalk. I felt chills run through my body as I stood in front of the guy who was not only alive, but broke off our friendship when we were younger. I’d be lying to myself if I said his death didn’t affect me, but I remember being unable to eat or sleep for days when my mother broke the news to me. And suddenly here we were. Face to face again.

“So, I’m guessing my mother told you the news,” Dean said as I nodded my head. “And, well, clearly it’s not true.”

“Yeah, clearly,” I said as I brushed a stray hair behind my ear and pursed my lips.

He rubbed the back of his neck out of nervousness. “I’m sorry. Could we take a walk around the neighborhood? Maybe it’ll help me get out what I’m trying to say.”

“Fine. But just around the block.”

But we didn’t agree which direction we’d go in, so we ended up running into each other and stumbling over each other’s feet. My shoe caught the crack in the sidewalk everyone usually trips over and I flew into Dean’s chest. His arms wrapped around me out of instinct, but as soon as we regained balance he let go. I took a step back and breathed. Dean shoved his hands in his pockets and uttered another apology. After deciding on a direction, we finally began to walk down the sidewalk.

For the first few minutes, neither one of us said a word out of awkwardness. I mean, what were you supposed to say to someone who you thought was dead? I just kept my eyes trained on my shoes and waited for Dean to say something.

My mind started to remind me of all the fun times Dean and I used to have when we were younger. When I moved here in the second grade, we both went to the same elementary school. Being some of the only Asian kids, it seemed pretty natural that we would stick together—and for the most part it was. All of the other Asian kids didn’t hang out with us because we weren’t really Asian. He was half and I was adopted, so that kind of marked us as the odd ones out of the odd ones out. Nonetheless, it was pretty comforting having someone who was singled out just like me.

I took another deep breath as that memory washed over me and the silence came rushing back. Seeing as Dean wasn’t going to start the conversation, I just decided to say something.

“So, how’ve you been?” I asked, even though I knew it was a stupid question.

Dean’s mouth curled up into a smile and he snorted with laughter. “Never better.”

I hummed in response, as I couldn’t tell whether he was being serious or sarcastic. But then I remembered Dean was like that sometimes. He never seemed to stick to what he says he’s going to do. He was always a bit indecisive. Then my gait started to quicken as I grew more annoyed. Dean wasn’t talking like he said he would—big surprise.

“Okay, so what are you really here for?” I said. “I mean, you said you wanna talk, so talk. I’ve had a long day and I’m just really confused on why you’re here.”

“Right, sorry,” he said and nodded his head. “Well, I guess, long story short I had a fight with my mom over college things when I came home for winter break. I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal, but it was for her. She said I was dead to her. Didn’t know she meant that so literally.”

I bit my lip out of regret for pushing him to talk. This was definitely something he was trying to phrase in his mind. “I’m sorry to hear that, Dean. That must’ve been hard.”

When Dean and I were in middle school, he told me his parents were getting a divorce. It wasn’t completely unexpected. They had been fighting for a while over how to raise Dean. He wasn’t fluent in Thai and he wasn’t embracing Thai culture like his mother had hoped. While it shouldn’t have been that big of a problem, this reflected poorly on his mother in the local Thai community.

He always told me how singled out he felt during family reunions. Too Asian for his father’s side, but too white for his mother’s. I thought my identity as an Asian-American adoptee and some sessions from therapy would help me understand, but it was clear there was a difference between us.

“I know you’re probably wondering what we were fighting about. To put it simply, I kind of failed her as a son. I did some things I shouldn’t have. I quit soccer, failed some college courses, lost my summer internship, and broke up with Vivian. Obviously, that didn’t settle well with my mom.” Dean paused for a moment and let out an audible exhale. “I don’t have anything against my mom. She is the one who raised me, really. I’ve just been confused, I guess.”

I nodded my head. “Oh, I see. So, are you here to apologize to her?”

Dean opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, then hesitated. “Not exactly. I’m actually here to apologize to you.”

“To me?”

“Yeah, I’m just not proud of the way we left off. I mean, you were my best friend and I just kinda left you because I was trying to impress my mom. It’s not a bad thing, but at the very least, I could’ve at least done things in a way that didn’t hurt you.”

I wanted to say something to console Dean, but he did hurt my feelings when we started high school. We both started to go our own way and for Dean, that meant hanging around a different crowd. A more Asian crowd. But the one thing that left a sour taste in my mouth was when he started dating Vivian Lek because only a few weeks before, he told me that he did like me. Once they were couple, the past eight years seemed to disappear and we never talked again.

“I’m just so sorry about what I did back then and I really hope you can forgive me.”

Dean and I exchanged smiles as we arrived back to my house and came to a stop. “Apology accepted. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through so much, but I’m glad to have you back as my friend. So, what are you going to do now?”

“Just leave. I’m going to take some more time off and figure out what I want. Maybe go see my father. I just felt like it was time for me to own up to my actions.”

My face scrunched up out of confusion. “Wait. You came back to apologize to me and now you’re going to leave again? Just like that?”

Dean pressed his lips together and shrugged.

“Wow, I can’t believe you! Do you know how selfish and self-serving it is for you to waltz to my front door, dump all your shit on me, and think it’s acceptable to just leave?”

I watched as Dean pulled out his phone and began to tap away. My shoulders heaved and I crossed my arms. Seconds later, he put his phone away and my phone buzzed in my hand. “I know it’s bad, but I really need some time away from here. I need time to figure things out with my family. But I still have your number. I promise, I won’t leave like that again.”

My arms dropped to my side. I looked up to the jet black sky and let out a defeated sigh before returning my attention to him. “Fine.”

“Well, thanks for letting me talk to you. I know you had other plans,” Dean said as I forced a smile. “I hope everything goes well for you and your boyfriend. You guys are cute together. I hope he treats you right.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate that. And don’t worry. He does. I hope you figure things out. I know you will. And I know I seem like it right now, but I’m not that mad.”

Dean smiled and his face flushed at my remark. He began to turn around and walk out into the night, but something tugged at my heartstrings seeing him walk out of my life again. Before I could process anything, I ran after him, put my hand on his shoulder, and spun him around. Then I kissed him and after a moment, he kissed back. He held my head and brought me closer to him. Everything felt right until I opened my eyes.

I pushed myself away from him and we stood there six feet apart.

I didn’t say anything else. I just left him there as I retreated back to my house. When I finally made it back to my room, I brought my knees up to my chest and sat in disbelief on my bed. Then my phone started to buzz and Holden’s name flashed on my screen.