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Dear Journal,

12:00 am.

Right now I'm waiting for my flight to take off to Bali. I can't believe I'm doing this. Here I come! Hehe. Who am I kidding. I'm miserable, why did I decide to do this? This was supposed to be my 3-year anniversary trip. Ever since Dean left I've been in such a rut. Every morning I feel like there's a huge weight on my chest. It follows me where ever I go, to the bathroom then downstairs then to the car then work. Then. All. Over. Again. I just thought that maybe this would be good for me you know? When I told him I was going he looked at me like I was crazy. I kind of am. I cut off all my hair before I left home. HAHAAHA. Now I have a bob cut. Kind of cute, reminds me of my mom but still cute. I kept an extra pair in my carry on just in case I wanted to do an extra trim. I used to never cut my hair too short when we were together, he never liked short hair but nooow I am a free bird. So free. So much time…so much energy. So much freedom it gets overwhelming sometimes. Hehehe. God I needed this trip. All I’ve been doing is wondering how this happened. Why did he have to cheat on me? Was I so unbearable? I mean sure, I have a weird laugh and I have an extreme caffeine addiction but who doesn't. Does Jessica have a perfect laugh huh? Maybe she has a cute little baby twinkle laugh that doesn't snort or is too loud or what not. But it doesn't matter ok. It doesn't matter because I am going to enjoy myself on the beautiful beaches in Bali and admire the crystal blue water and sip on a mango mojito. Plane's about to take off!

1:00 am

I'm so lonely. So lonely. This mother and child siting beside me can't stop talking. The child just keeps asking questions: Mommy what is a Balu? Mommy I'm hungry! Mommy I hate planes! Mommy can I stick a baseball bat in to the sad women’s head sitting beside me to TAKE HER OUT HER MISERY!!!! THANKS ANNOYING CHILD YES PLEASE DO. Oh great now I'm crying. God. I'll check back with you. When... I'm... done... crying about my ex-husband. 


So here I am! I'm in hotel! HA HA Jessica something you don't have a 5 star hotel! HA. HA. I took a little tour around the resort and stuff, looks nice. There is an all ages dance lounge, creepy old men, hot couples, an all inclusive bar with unlimited refills and of course the beach. Actually the beach kind of gives me some weird PTSD or something. Dean and I got in to a huge fight our last wedding anniversary on the beach in Mexico. He threw a daiquiri at me. Maybe I'm glad we got divorced. Today would have been the day before our 3rd wedding anniversary. We were so excited to come here, booked it 7 months ago. Now it's here. It's all I ever wanted in a vacation, do I have to talk about the bar again? Haha. Joke. Bet she's not as funny as me… what the hell am I doing? I'm at this beautiful resort, the weather is gorgeous and here I am sitting in my bed moping again by s.o.b. ex cheating bastard. You know what I want to do? Cut another 3 inches from my hair and get super day drunk. Super drunk then follow it up with 3 cups of coffee and go dancing. By myself. Yea. YEA. THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

Thank diary

a.k.a. my therapiss oops my therapist, 


 (I may or may not have already taken a shot of tequila)

Dear Journal, 

3:00 pm

So guess what. Black coffee and a pina coladas don’t like each other. At all. Frankly I don’t really want to talk about it, because I still feel like vomiting. Ugh so gross. What a disaster. A full disaster. My goodness. I’m pretty sure that I was carried out of the dancing place thing back to my hotel room. There is a weird pain in my back. And the weight on my chest is coming back as I am writing this. However I haven’t been that free in a long time, felt kind of good to let loose. I mean the repercussions are terrible but I think that this was the first step. Sunlight kind of makes me want to throw up. However I do want some coffee downstairs so I’m going to get ready, half of my day is gone anyway. 

4:00 pm

Hello. Just finished my coffee, tasted pretty good. I ate a plain bagel with butter, for some reason the butter is better in Bali you know? Pretty good start to my day/afternoon. Other than the massive hangover headache I have. It is like Jessica is laughing and taunting me in my brain… and some how stomping on my head with spiked heels. Oh wait hold on a couple is looking at me strangely. Probably threw up on them last night. Shoot they’re coming closer. 

Omg. No no no. You will never believe what just happened the girlfriend just walked up to me and told me that not only did I throw up on her but I also called her boyfriend a “back-stabbing lying s.o.b” and said that I hoped that she cheats on him with me. Wtf. I am so embarrassed. Oh god. Oh my god. I am such a mess. 

5:00 pm

Hello journal my ol’ friend guess what I just did! I bought a wig!!! A long brunette with blunt bangs. I think that it will compliment my green eyes. Then I made out with a guy and got slapped by his wife… I think? She was really young… but look at me. I’m Mrs. Spontaneous! Or no MS. Spontaneous! Because I am not married! I am a free bird! Then drank a beer I saw sitting out! Spontaneous! HAHAHAHA. I think I’m going to go talk to some people now! 

6:00 pm

Hi. So apparently that was not beer it was apple juice that was roofied so thats really disgusting on so many levels. Kind of sad really. I went and talks to some girls at the resort and they invited me to go out tonight! Apparently they felt like ‘I needed it’. They took me up to my room and sobered me up a bit. I feel much better. They um just left. I forgot their names but I’m pretty sure that one of them was named um Darla? Or Drew? Or Durain? But that was nice of them. I need coffee and get my head straight.

11 pm

Hey! At the beach, surprising right. I was going to go out with Durain and friends but I felt like a walk on the beach was needed. It feels weird being here. Kind of scary actually. It is so beautiful, the moon was full and round and the sand is actually nice and cool. I’ve laid out a blanket and been doing some thinking. Maybe this divorce was a blessing. I mean Bali isn’t nearly as fun without another person, you know? I’ve been waiting for this trip for a long time and though I fully wrecked that first 2 days, I think that this was needed. Lets be honest after the first year we knew that it wasn’t going to work. But it’s ok. The ocean is beautiful, wish you could see it… maybe I’m still a little drunk. I don’t know. Anyway I’m going to go back now. 

Good night, 


Oh and by the way it’s my anniversary! Totally forgot. Maybe I’ll mix some coffee and champagne together. Jk. Maybe.

April 06, 2020 19:41

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1 comment

Uta L.
16:42 May 06, 2020

Feels very authentic. Very real. I like it


Show 0 replies

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