This time it will be better

New Years Resolutions

1. I will try not to change my entire character like a chameleon every time I meet a new person. I will not copy their mannerisms, the way they tilt their head when they think of an answer, the excessive blinking, the way they lower their voice to make it gravelly and interesting. I will NOT do that, because that is not me.

I have a clean, non gravelly voice because I don't smoke. It's quite high and a bit posh. It's not particularly mesmerising, but it's mine.

I will keep my head up and stare deep into their eyes, making them a little uncomfortable, they will flick their focus away and I will draw breath, scan my surroundings, then lock eyes again. I will laugh too loudly and express uninhibited affection. The air will thicken with unbidden tension.

But, I will be able to say with pride, that I am authentically me! The chameleon can piss off, he will not take away my identity... from 1st January.

2. I will wash the dishes immediately and with enthusiasm. I will not allow them to fester, hardening bitterly as I neglect them to do better things. The tomato sauce will not loosen its grip on the dish and curl red fingers of hardening sludge about the rim. NO! I will put on the radio, something educational like radio 4. I will ingest political shows and news broadcasts while squeezing the warm sponge, releasing a cascade of colourful bubbles about my chopping boards and forks and spoons, sticky sauce will swirl away in the glinting water, all before the pudding course is even over. Yes January, I will be a better, cumulatively more educated person. The dishes will not build menacingly as they did last year.

3. I will run every single day til I drop. I will splash through puddles, gasp up hills, clatter through walkways, stomp down paths. I will flash warningly at oncomers, my cheap LED flash lights sellotaped to my muscular arms, my heaving bosom.

I will cover my ears with music and intellectual podcasts, each stomp will be masked with optimism and hope. Instruments will fanfare my last 5k. Political activists will state their cases as I burst exhuberantly through the backdoor, post run, face red as a tomato. I will learn a lot, while becoming fitter and fitter.

If the rain stops, I will be grateful and will loosen my cagoule. I will stretch enthusiastically at the end of my run.. oh yes January, just watch me.

4. I will enter writing competitions in a desperate attempt to win the prize money. It should be about the love of writing, sadly because of the capitalistic, power hungry, unequal society we sell live in, it's purely about the money. I need the money to pay for my kids. They go to a fee paying school and it's half killing us parents. Hopefully the result of our investment is that they'll get high flying jobs and not need to resort to writing competitions as a source of income. Nevertheless, I must not moan, instead I must write, I must write engaging prose to kid myself that I have some control over my free time. It's not about hanging up washing, shipping kids about , buying vegetables and biscuits from Lidl or changing the loo roll in the downstairs bathroom. No. It is about channelling frustrations through hard hitting themes with engaging dialogue.

Words will never hurt me. Only

Sticks and stones break bones.

So I will call upon words to enter short story competitions, I will try to win, my kids will get good jobs, and we will live prosperously like January did when he lopped down the beanstalk.... oh wait. That was Jack...

5. I will paint my nails different colours every day. They will boast tiny pictures of flowers and animals. I may be daring and add tiny gems. I might pierce the very tip and attach a jewel. Yes, I will be bejewelled like an empress, or royalty. I will show that I'm down with the kids by painting tiny replicas of current cartoons. I will include eyelashes and finger nails. I will have time to do this and a cupboard full of tiny sticks and brushes to apply detail. I may wear flags to be political. I may put tiny skulls with cross bones to be risqué. My embellished nails will clatter enticingly on the table as I stare thoughfully out of the window. I will be contemplating tomorrow's work. Ten little canvases awaiting their paint. Oh but WAIT!!! How on earth will I be able to address my 2nd washing up resolution?

Painted nails don't like scourers, they recoil from washing liquid and sponges, they loathe dried on sauce and do not associate themselves with bubbles. Cancelled, forget it, move on.

6. Think positively, believe shampoo advertisements when they say, you're worth it. Be your best self with all that positive juice glittering through your veins. Smile at the tax man, high five the parking warden. Cheerfully side skip the dog shit as you gallop happily to the park. Pat dogs on the head and engage enthusiastically with unsuspecting pensioners. Tell them your life story, listen intently to theirs. Tell them they're worth it, like the shampoo advert. Tell yourself, you've got this. You are enough!

When things look bleak, an earthquake, a distant war, disease, illness, depravity, misery. Pull yourself away. Realise that your sadness will help no one. Your optimism and cheerfulness will help many. It will snowball. The tax man will make his wife breakfast in bed. The parking warden will tell her kids a bedtime story. The dog you patted will wag his tail, the pensioner will live a whole year longer and though the bombs will still pepper the landscapes, torture and tanks, blood and skanks.... you will have done your miniscule little bit to make the world just a tiny smidge more lovely than it was in December. Yes January, you have much to do.