Daisies

It was again the time of every year.

I was never a fan of any flowers. Thinking that it was too cliché to like flowers because of how women would like it- "but I am a girl", I said to myself. But I knew to myself that I am not the any kind of girl that would typically love anything unless there's something about it.

It was a typical Sunday morning. Woke up with my alarm feeling irritated since I forgot to turn it off because I thought I had to work, but luckily, its a rest day. I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee to make myself good for the day. The smell of coffee will always make me feel better ever since I was a teen. I remember how my parents had to hide our coffee when I was 13 years old because they think that it was never good for my digestive system because I was still a kid, but the smell was so addictive and I had to taste it. So, there was that time it was late night, and I would sneak out just to make a cup of coffee and copied how

my parents do it. But then, I heard footsteps coming downstairs, and I was nervous because I knew it was either my mom or dad, but who knows? maybe its a ghost, and just that thought of it makes me more nervous. I hid under the table

thinking that my parents would never found out it was me.

I heard the footsteps, and I definitely knew it was my father because of the big stomps that he was making. I don't know if he was intentionally doing it because maybe he knew I was here,

and I was scared of the thought he would be angry that I made coffee for myself. While the footsteps were getting nearer, I said to myself "why does he have to wake up at this kind of time?", feeling annoyed. But, my father passed like I wasn't there, and I was really relieved that he didn't caught me hiding. I was getting annoyed to the fact that he was making a cup of coffee for himself. I mentally facepalmed myself, thinking that I was doomed and I'm stucked hiding for the night. It was 3 am at that time and I just want

to get out of there, regretting that I made coffee. I waited for my father to finish his coffee after 30 minutes, and waited for him to go to his room. When I heard he closed the door from his room, I got out from under the table and saw my cup of coffee, now cold & still the same when I took a sip.

From there, I knew my father felt that I was there, and he didn't bring it up ever since.

Thinking about it now still makes me wonder, why didn't he said anything and why didn't he scold me when they were so strict about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be scolded badly, but it just makes me thought, why he never mentioned it.

I was getting ready to do my morning routine. I never knew my routine can change, but I guess this is where maturity brings you. You just change how you think, your tastes, and what you've been used to when everything changes as well. After all, change is inevitable.

I had to go to my father because I wanted to know some answers and I wanted to talk something about him. Today is actually considered our date/ So, I got ready, and dressed nicely with a perfect white dress. I rarely dress white, but today is a special day. It was a date, and I remembered how my father would compliment men when I dress something nice, and his favorite was me dressing in a white dress because it looks pure and innocent when I wear it especially because of how my baby features look like and how my height compliments it.

I got out of my apartment and I was feeling great. I saw again my favorite thing when I went outside, and thought, this must be a good day because it was saying hi to me and it bloomed like a pure girl running around smiling. I picked out some of it and wrapped it nicely with a ribbon, so I could also give it to my father. I passed by a coffee shop, and thought if I should still buy coffee even if I drank a coffee a few hours ago. Hence, I thought, I was used to drink coffee even for about 4 times especially when I’m too busy of my school works. So, I got two iced latte since this was also my father’s favorite coffee when we go to coffee dates and talk endlessly.

I was so excited to meet my father because it’s the time of the year where everything brings back happy memories. Every time, I went outside and smell the fragrance of nature, it brings back everything that I would love to go back to.

I finally came to my destination and saw my father. He was there in front of me, smiling like nothing happened after 1 & a half year. He was there like he was comforting me that everything would be alright. He was there like he was reassuring me that I’m going to be okay. But still, I don’t know if he was right or wrong. So, I asked him while half-smiling, “Hi papa, how are you?”. Still, no response. I asked him again. “Are you really happy there?”. Still, no response. I knew he was never going to respond, so I just continued opening up to him. I actually regret a few times, that this was the only time that I opened up to him. He knew that I was hard as a brick to break through especially when its in front of my family because it was my mindset back then, that I should always be strong in front of them because I’m the eldest, and I also knew I had to have a stronger mindset than my mother because she tend to breakdown before making solutions. It was kind of frustrating for me, but I got used to it over the years.

So, I opened up about my worries, and how draining it was every single day especially when I’m getting so worked up with all that’s been surrounding me. I bragged about how lucky I am with my friends that were more than my family. But I also said that I lost also a lot, because how everything changed for me. I lost confidence, and self-esteem when I really need it the past days. I also told him about how crazy my mind can be and hating myself more every day because of how sudden all things happened. I told him how everything has been so pressuring for me knowing I had so many responsibilities to take of and I was frustrated on why did it have to happen when it was the time that I needed him the most. I talked about how I had to reset myself every day and still had to smile in front of everyone even if I was hurting in the inside. I also talked about how mother is still that kind of person who gets really moody. My father knew ho my mom affected my mental health because of how verbally abusive she was ever since I was a kid. My mother can be so generous, but can be so scary at the same time. She was the reason how everything went to black than white. Demons kept coming when she just say the insane words that a child can ever take. But now, I had to endure it because I needed to be an independent woman. And today, this was the only escape that I could ever think of.

I was never the type to cry in front of my father. But when a strong wind blew, I knew it was my father hugging me, and I couldn’t help myself to cry harder than I can imagine. Its been so long that I had to pray every night to just appear in my dreams but he never came, and I was so frustrated. I was so frustrated with my healing process and its never been easy not seeing him even in my dreams. But here he was, never forgetting today. The day where he has to celebrate my birthday and gave me flowers. It was the most beautiful flower that I ever received. The smell and how it looked was so unique for me and I definitely knew why he gave it to me. It was a flower where it resembles pure and innocence. I know my father knew me. He gave it to me because I had to smell that tomorrow is always a new beginning and I had to embrace every beginning that will come even if he was gone because he is always here. I placed the daisies that I brought from the bushes that we planted outside of my house to his grave near his picture and said, “Its always a new beginning, papa. I miss you everyday.”

I came back to my apartment around the 6-ish. Having my peaceful night with a mug of coffee, and placed a daisy in front of me. Now I also know why my father didn't brought up the fact that I was hiding under the table. He knew that I was trying something new and I wanted to explore. He wanted me to learn and grow by my explorations that can give me new beginning that he always thought of.

I brought the daisy again under my nose and smelled it, and said to myself that, “New beginning means a new healing day. No rush self, because good things take time in this world.”