The Darkness Inside Me

I couldn't understand why I had such trouble keeping a job. I'd never do anything wrong - I did the work well, and got my tasks done on time. Yet as soon as I settled into a new role, I would be taken aside by management and told that I had to go.

They offered me similar excuses; 'you're not what we're looking for', 'we've changed our minds, we're overstaffed', or 'there's no room for you to advance here.'

I wasn't after getting a promotion, I only needed something that covered the rent. A city apartment doesn't come cheap, even the ratty kind like the one I was stuck in - with moldy walls, exposed pipes, and a suspiciously padlocked thermostat.

In my last job, after again hearing the same pathetic excuses I'd heard time and time again, I lost it. I stared my employer dead in the face and asked, "What's wrong with me? I've done nothing wrong, I'm good at the job, so why don't you tell me what's really going on?" My blood boiled, pulsing through my veins like magma before an eruption.

He blinked once with a gulp, the colour quickly draining from his cheeks. And then he told me. "We've had complaints..."

"From who?" I demanded.

"- the customers..."

"And what is it the customers are saying?"

"Well, it's... erm..." He scratched his head, trying my patience further. "Some have said that... they're afraid of you."

It wasn't exactly what I'd expected. I couldn't think for a moment, unable to process it. "Afraid of me?" What did he mean? I glanced down to my feet and up again, trying to identify the source of my 'scariness.' "Why? What is it about me that's so terrifying?"

He planned his response cautiously. "They... they say that... umm... there's a darkness about you."

"W-What?" I laughed. Surely he was joking.

"Well, you are a bit-"

"Are you scared of me?"

He cleared his throat. "I..." He trailed off.

"What grown man is afraid of a twenty-year-old girl?"

"Look, maybe if you smiled a bit more-"

Was he seriously asking a young woman to smile in this day and age?

"Maybe try wearing something lighter?"

"I'm wearing your uniform!" I tugged on my shirt logo.

"Then do your hair differently, or something."

I had my hair cut short - I couldn't style it any other way than it was. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see what he meant. It wasn't like I walked around with an offensive tattoo plastered over my face.

After I'd brushed him off and stormed out of there, I walked to the edge of the block and stood with my back to the side wall of the dry-cleaners, letting the chill night air sink in and cool off my fury. Out of curiosity, I took out my phone and checked my face with the front camera, searching for some clue of what he meant. Sure, I was a bit paler than most Caucasians, and the deep brown of my irises almost appeared black, but I knew people who really were what I'd consider 'terrifying,' and I was nothing like them. I had a small build, narrow features, and short charcoal-coloured hair with faint blue highlights. I thought I came across as a little quirky, not scary. And then another thought popped into my head, bothering me - if that was what he really thought of me, why had he hired me in the first place? Why had any of my previous employers? And why hadn't anyone said something sooner? Did people really go about their day petrified of me, but never said anything?

I put my phone away and walked down to the bus stop, bewildered and embarrassed. No one was around at that time of night - the little shop I'd worked at was the only one still open along the main road. I'd been on the late shift, two-until-ten, and with it being winter as well, it was especially dark out. It didn't get too cold in that area, even in January, so a jacket was enough to take the edge off.

I sat on the bench and waited, head turned to stare at the oncoming traffic that occasionally passed by. Aware of the risks of being a young woman out at night, I absentmindedly fiddled with the clasp of the bracelet on my left wrist - one of those that looked innocent enough but had a concealed hard plastic spike on the inside, useful for self-defence or for breaking car windows in an emergency. Thankfully I'd never had to use it for either purpose - shady characters tended to leave me alone, and I'd never been involved in a traffic accident. Maybe that was another sign that people saw me as scary. I didn't have any problems with cat-calling or unwanted attention - I'd always thought myself lucky for that. But perhaps it wasn't that the people of my city were decent folk, maybe it was because they saw something about me I couldn't - this so-called 'darkness.'

The bus was taking ages, so I had more time to think. If that was how people saw me, how could I change myself? I didn't want to indulge my last boss' archaic principles and 'smile' more, though if I was to ever hold down a job, I suppose I'd have to give anything a go. I'd have to buy a new wardrobe, start wearing makeup and coloured contacts, bleach my hair probably... No, why should I change myself? It was their problem, not mine. I never judged anyone for their looks, why did they?

The traffic stopped coming. It had been quiet for a while... Too quiet. I stood, stepping up to the curb to look both ways down the road. The cracked concrete ran all the way to the horizon - my side lined with shops, and the other, an empty field. The grass rippled in the wind, swishing and billowing as if predators skulked in the shadows, chasing through the dense blades after prey, or stalking me in the silence.

Something small 'whooshed' overhead. I looked up, and saw only a few stars whose glow was bright enough to penetrate the light pollution. I waited, expecting to witness another. Nothing happened. I decided it must have been a shooting star that I'd just missed, so I tilted my head back down again.

Another 'whoosh.' I glanced up. Missed it again. I took out my phone to check the time, but the screen wouldn't light up. Had the battery run out already? I'd only charged it that morning. I checked if I'd switched it off accidentally, holding the power button... Nothing. It wouldn't start. 'Whoosh.' This time, I held my neck craned up to the sky.

'Whoosh.' A shooting star! Or... Was it? It wasn't like any shooting star I'd ever seen. Instead, it was more like a firework - one of those that zig-zagged before burning out. There was another, and another, every few seconds there was more, in twos, threes, fours... Were they getting lower? They followed the direction of the road - zipping towards the horizon, then fading from existence. The sound grew louder, like large flying insects buzzing overhead. Yet they gave off light, different light, different colours. Blue and purple and white, yellow and green and pink, as bright as car headlights driving on an invisible overpass.

They were eerily beautiful - dancing lights, whizzing on the wind, falling closer to the ground. Finally, they were at head-height and lowering still. I ducked back into the bus shelter, hoping I'd be safe. They appeared to avoid the structure, not wanting to hit it, nor any of the buildings along the road. I was happy to sit and watch for a time, until one slowed down on its way by. It was as if it looked at me, studying me. But that couldn't be right... They were only lights, they weren't intelligent or anything...

The next one did the same, and the next and those following. They'd even back up on themselves for an instant to get a better look at me. 'Whoosh.' That was the loudest one yet. Each one lingered a moment longer, then moved on. I suddenly felt boxed in. I stood up again, pinning my back against the shelter wall as I held my breath.

They never relented, stinging the hairs on my neck and arms with the shockwave of their approach. One came up to me, its light burning my eyes as it flew within inches of my face. The way it shook its tail, it almost appeared eager, excited. Not like a friendly dog running up to meet its favourite human, but the grin of mercilessness seen upon a killer whale as it forces a seal into the water. Another came up beside it, hungry, agitated, dying to pounce.

I followed my instinct and dodged around them, rushing out into the road and towards the field, my heart pounding. They followed, and more joined in, circling around me. I unclasped my bracelet and brandished it, not that I was sure it would do me any good against those things. I almost had a foot on the opposite pavement, yet it never hit the floor. Instead I was floating, drifting inches, feet above the ground, weightless and untethered. Why me? What did they want? Were they going to kill me? As I trembled I dropped my weapon, my chest sinking as it clattered on the tarmac. I flew, the lights zipping all around me, faster, and higher, and closer to my body. I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing my eyes shut, praying for freedom.

And then, I felt a strange pulsing in my chest, distinct against my heartbeat. I opened my eyes again, watching as a small, shadowy orb escaped me, hovering over my breastbone. It was strange to look at, reminding me visually of those artists' interpretations of black holes, although there wasn't a hollowness about it, more calming, serene - like an all-knowing eye brooding on the mysteries of the universe. It suddenly shot away, hitting one of the lights, and devouring it. Others came out of me, eating up my pursuers before twisting around and back into my body. They went and swallowed the lights, chasing the others away as I slowly sank back to the earth.

The 'whooshes' grew less frequent, heading back up into the sky before fleeing out of sight. My feet hit the floor, and I exhaled heavily, my breath manifesting in the cold air. The darkness at my chest faded back inside - I couldn't help holding my hand there for a moment.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and as I turned my head, I saw the bus' headlights heading my way. I scooped up my bracelet and dashed back to the bus stop, holding out my arm in plenty time for the driver to see me.

I got on, paid my fare, and found a seat, still gasping after whatever that was had happened. I checked my phone - it was almost midnight, and I'd gotten another message on my job app - three more recommended jobs added in the last day.

What was I to think? What should I have felt? I was numb, partly relieved to be alive, and mostly wondering if any of it had actually happened. What were those lights? What was that darkness inside me? I held my fist to my chest, thinking. Maybe that was what everyone was so afraid of. Perhaps they saw the darkness all the time, even when I couldn't... In any case, they had no need to fear it. Yes, it would appear that there was darkness inside me, but it was only there to keep me safe. I smiled.