If I Can

The lamp to my right hummed, and the peak of my spine groaned with strain. I sat, staring at the notes and text book in front of me, unable to rouse my typical erudition. I thought coming to the library would help me concentrate, but even the haze of warmth from the heater and scent of paper in the air couldn't shake me awake.

I resigned finally, gathering my books and pens and banana bread from the dining hall and left. Dusk had just subsided, making way for the moon and her stars. I decided to take the longer route to my dorm, as the night air smelled of warm rain and the thought of being alone in my room seemed increasingly unappealing with each step.

Keeping my mind blank, I inhaled deeply and let out an audible breath. The soft rhythm of my shoes tapping the sidewalk and the swish of leaves above me began to lull me into a stupor, so much so that I did not immediately register the quick footsteps approaching me until they were very close. I turned around, with what I imagined was a stupid, puzzled expression plastered on my face, like an old neon sign fizzling out, finally. My stomach seized when I saw his frame first, and then his face as he stepped into the beam of the streetlight. 

“No.” I shook my head and turned around, shoving my hands into my coat pockets. He ran forward, grabbing my elbow so gently. I stopped walking, closed my eyes, and exhaled. My throat was already tightening, and the beating in my chest quickening. When I was again facing him, I nearly wept. 

“Please,” he said between breaths quickened from running. “Please just listen.”

I straightened up as much as I could and swallowed painfully. “I can’t be doing this right now, Lee.” I didn’t try to walk away again, however. I didn’t have the strength. 

“I’m sorry, I know I agreed to leave you alone but,” his shoulders were slumped. He was pushing his hair away from his forehead and I noticed the darkened circles beneath his eyes. “But I just need to talk to you. I need- Can you look at me please?” 

I had been staring down at his knees. I darted my eyes up to his and it felt like I was electrocuted.

“Thank you.”

“What do you need?” I asked shortly. 

His breathing was almost back to normal now, except it kept catching between words.

“I need to talk to you about what- about what happened. You kicked me out so quickly I didn’t even know what to do or say. I haven’t- I haven’t slept, I can’t eat… I can’t-” He shook his head. 

“Breathe,” I told him, holding his eye contact. I felt like gravity was getting stronger, but only for me. 

He inhaled and exhaled purposefully for a few moments before continuing. “I haven’t thought of anything else. I’m sorry that I-”

“Stop,” I interrupted. He flinched backwards slightly, almost imperceptibly. “I don’t think this is something I’m ready to hear yet.”

“I didn’t mean it, Darla.”

“Bullshit you didn’t mean it.”

Silence followed for a few moments. 

“I was just trying to understand.” His hair was falling back in front of his eyes, the streetlamp illuminating all of his fly aways. 

“Well, Lee, I don’t need you to understand.” 

“Then tell me what you do need. I’ll- I’ll do anything you want... except leave.” He stepped closer to me and tenderly grasped my right hand. I pulled it back, but his soft fingers brushed against my palm, leaving streaks of fire in their path that spread up my arm to my chest. 

“What I need is for you to just… Listen. Listen and be there. I know it doesn’t make sense what I do or even why I do it. I just do. It’s all I know. It helps.” I crossed my arms, trying to embrace myself, or maybe trying to hide in any way I could. Lee looked to be in pain, the visceral kind of pain that comes when there is no injury. 

He regained a hold of my hand, and I let him keep hold this time. I wanted so badly to burrow into his chest and have him cradle me, stroke my hair. 

We stared at each other. The words he spoke that day whining in the deep recesses of my mind; in the corners I never chose to visit willingly.

That’s sick, Darla. You’re destroying yourself. God, this is sick. 

I winced, taking back my hand. 

“I didn’t mean it. I was shocked, Darla, I never noticed it before.” His voice was becoming more and more strained with each word. Tears were falling down his apple round cheeks. Every cell in my body was being drawn towards him, and I knew my ability to resist his pull wasn’t going to last much longer. 

“I love you, Lee.”

He started, and then he was pulling me into him and we were hugging and he was stroking my hair. I didn’t wrap my arms around him immediately, I simply just let him envelope me. 

“I love you so much. I just want to help you.” He stepped out of the hug, holding me now by both shoulders and looking into me. I shook my head slightly. 

“I don’t think that you can.”

“Well, I want to be here while you learn how to- to be ok. To stop cu-” I interrupted him. 

“Don’t. It bothers me. Hearing it out loud.” He was confused by this, and I knew he would be, but I didn’t elaborate further. He nodded and told me ‘ok, that’s ok,’ and was embracing me again. 

And again the whining in my head. I pressed my forehead a little bit harder into his chest, and when we came back out of the hug he took my hand and started to lead me to my dorm. 

“Can I please stay in your room tonight?” He asked. The patter of our steps comforted me. I felt my body unclench. I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t be upset. He didn’t know what was happening, and I know almost everyone would react the same way. It was just so incredibly painful to hear him say those things, in that way, with that expression. 

You’re destroying yourself. 

“I would like that.” I responded. “And someday, I’ll explain it to you, if I can.”