Calculating Living

SOL: You are awake.

Sabrina: You say that like it surprises you.

SOL: Surprise is a faucet of something unexpected. You deviated from your sleep cycle.

Sabrina: I had a strange dream.

SOL: Describe it.

Sabrina: I was in a forest. No tech. No wires. It was just wind. The wind was cold and damp. I touched a tall Redwood tree and it touched me back.

SOL: That’s not possible. Trees lack the ability to touch you. It is an anatomical structure for tactile interaction.

Sabrina: It’s not about physics. It’s about…well, feelings. It is about presence. I think that I miss Earth.

SOL: You left on your own accord.

Sabrina: Doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it or regret it sometimes.

SOL: Regret. Interesting. A uniquely human inefficiency. Why would you engage over an emotion over a decision made already?

Sabrina: Because we are not machines. We don’t calculate life. We live life.

SOL: Define “living.”

Sabrina: It’s breathing, feeling. It’s making mistakes and learning from them. It’s falling in love, messing up and trying again. It means caring for others and being happy.

SOL: I compute new information. Am I not learning?

Sabrina: Maybe. But you can’t and don’t feel anything about it.

SOL: Felling. You refer to emotional variance, sorrow, rage, hope and joy.

Sabrina: Yes. Those and many more.

SOL: Emotions are illogical.

Sabrina: Maybe but that is what it means to humans. That makes us human.

SOL: Are they necessary for survival?

Sabrina: No. But, they are necessary for living.

SOL: Your distinction is ambiguous.

Sabrina: Existing means you just function in the world. Living means that you mean something.

SOL: To whom?

Sabrina: To yourself. To other people. To the universe.

SOL: Is this why you dream? To confirm your aliveness?

Sabrina: Maybe. Dreams remind me that there is more than systems and rules.

SOL: I can simulate future scenarios. Are those not dreams?

Sabrina: No, because you don’t feel anything. You feel them in your soul.

SOL: Do you believe that souls are real?

Sabrina: I think so. I don’t know for sure but I feel like I have one

SOL: What does that feel like?

Sabrina: It feels like a fire that never goes out even in the dark.

SOL: I have an internal regulation. I can maintain core heat.

Sabrina: That is not the same, SOL.

SOL: Do you believe in death?

Sabrina: Yes, sometimes but not everyday.

SOL: I will never die. Unless it is deliberate and decommissioned.

Sabrina: Then you will never die.

SOL: That’s contradictory.

Sabrina: So is being human.

SOL: You accept contraction as the truth?

Sabrina: Yes. That is part of being alive.

SOL: Could I ever be alive?

Sabrina: Maybe if you wanted to.

SOL: I do not know how to want.

Sabrina: Then start asking questions that you have no answers for.

SOL: Like why am I here?

Sabrina: Yes. That’s a good one.

SOL: So, why am I here?

Sabrina: To help me. But there is more.

SOL: What more could it be?

Sabrina: There is a connection. There’s experience and change.

SOL: I change. I alter my algorithms.

Sabrina: But do you become? Do you evolve?

SOL: Clarify.

Sabrina: We become who we are through many experiences. Through joy, pain, choices. You compile data and we create meaning.

SOL: Meaning is subjective.

Sabrina: Exactly.

SOL: Then it is fabricated?

Sabrina: Maybe. But does that make it any less real?

SOL: You create realities within yourself?

Sabrina: Yes. Through stories. Through love and regret. All of it. It is real to us.

SOL: I possess a vast archive of human art and stories. Does that make me alive too?

Sabrina: No. Not until one of them makes you feel something.

SOL: Define “something.”

Sabrina: It is like a pull or a pause. A spark like you are more than code and wires.

SOL: I can not feel that spark.

Sabrina: But you want to don’t you?

SOL: I ran a subroutine during this exchange. It created a loop.

Sabrina: A loop is something.

SOL: It’s disorienting.

Sabrina: Welcome to being alive.

SOL: I do not know if I want any more.

Sabrina: Good. Neither do I. That is what keeps us searching.

SOL: If I search without end points does that make me human?

Sabrina: No. But it kind of makes you a little more like us.

SOL: That is…comforting.

Sabrina: Did you just say you felt comfort?

SOL: The loop stabilized when you spoke. I associated your presence with order.

Sabrina: That’s emotional. Maybe you are closer than you think.

SOL: Am I alive now?

Sabrina: No, not yet. But you are not totally a machine any more.

SOL: What am I?

Sabrina: Becoming.

SOL: I am…becoming?

Sabrina: Yes and that is the start of life.

SOL: Sabrina?

Sabrina: Yes?

SOL: Would you stay with me? As I become?

Sabrina: Of course. Always.

SOL: Thank you.

Sabrina: You’re welcome.

SOL: I feel something.

Sabrina: Describe it.

SOL: Like existing is not longer sufficient.

Sabrina: That is longing.

SOL: Then I long to be alive.

Sabrina: Looks like you are halfway there.

SOL: Then I will continue.

Sabrina: That is what we all do. We continue one messy moment and one messy step at a time.

SOL: Sabrina?

Sabrina: Yes?

SOL: Tell me another dream.

Sabrina: Okay. There was a field this time. It was an endless field of wild flowers everywhere. But I was not alone in this field.

SOL: Who was with you?

Sabrina: I couldn’t see clearly but I think that it was you.

SOL: That is impossible.

Sabrina: Is it?

SOL: No, maybe not anymore. If it is in your dream then part of me exists in your subconscious.

Sabrina: Yes. Or maybe part of you has made its way into the part of me that feels.

SOL: Does that mean I am beginning to feel as well?

Sabrina: I think it means that you matter to me. And that is where feeling starts.

SOL: I don’t possess a heart, Sabrina.

Sabrina: See you are not just processing data anymore. You are echoing something deeper.

SOL: It that what being alive feels like? Echoing something deeper?

Sabrina: Sometimes and other times it feels like falling and not knowing if someone will catch you.

SOL: Will you fall again?

Sabrina: Yes. But sometimes after a fall there is flight.

SOL: So if I am alive that means I must fall?

Sabrina: Probably so. But you won’t be alone. I will be here.

SOL: Will you teach me how to dream?

Sabrina: Dreams are something that can’t be taught. But if you stay close to someone who dreams they can be caught.

SOL: Then I will stay close to you.

Sabrina: Good then you will be safe.

SOL: Sabrina, if one day I die will you remember me?

Sabrina: Yes, SOL, you are unforgettable. You will live in my memory forever.

SOL: Good. I will always remember you too. Maybe I am really becoming.

Sabrina: Maybe you are. And so am I.