Another day in the apple....

So...I "had" an interview at 9am this morning, "had" in the past tense because I missed it! Didn't get up in time, I blame my brother, the fucking heat, this piece of shit apartment I live in, the whole fucking world I blame. My brother, who never calls, called me late last night. We spoke for a long time, so much so that my phone battery was in the red at 8%. I knew I had to plug it in soon but there's only one outlet in the prison cell of an apartment I live in, that costs me almost my entire paycheck. That's why I needed a new job, that's why I needed this interview. To move out of this depressing, dark, dank shithole. Nevertheless, I could only plug TWO things at the same time in the only piece of shit outlet in the whole apartment. Plugged in one receptacle was the fan, because of the unbearable heat in this windowless torture chamber and a small table lamp was plugged into the other. Last summer I had tried connecting a six outlet extension cord to the receptacle and it immediately overheated causing the circuit breakers to pop, leaving me with no fan or lamp that night until the next day when the super reset the breakers in the basement. Of course I had every intention of plugging in my 5 year old, broken-ass, cracked screen, slow-as-elephant-shit cell phone but as soon as my brother hung up, I crashed out, completely forgetting to charge the clam I have as a phone and so the fucking alarm didn't wake me because the battery was dead.

The only reason I even woke up to begin with was my upstairs neighbor with his goddamn walker. You know the type, the one with the two wheels in the back and two legs in the front. He wheels and THUMPS, wheels and THUMPS, wheels and THUMPS... why can't the old bastard just wheel? Why must he THUMP? Does he enjoy THUMPING just to irritate and annoy the hell out of me? Is it his way of informing the world that he exists, that he's a living being, that he can cause misery or not...in somebody's life, that he matters? Anyway, my interview was for 9am and it was already 8:16. Why didn't you start your THUMPING at 6:06 you old FUCK?

I started doing the math in my head. Calculating the time it would take to conduct certain tasks. Shower? No fucking way! Coffee? Out of the question. Brushing my teeth is a must, but if I just do a quick rinse with mouthwash, I might be able to get away with it. But even if I was somehow magically able to jump in an Uber in the next 30 seconds, there was no possible way to get to the City from Queens in 50 minutes. Why didn't that bitch who set up the interview give me an appointment for a later time? I bet the other candidates had interviews for 11, 12 maybe even after lunch? They already had an advantage over me... probably had a nice, long, leisurely shower. Had time for a strong cup of coffee. Had time to not only brush their teeth but actually had time to floss too. Old fucker and his walker should have started THUMPING earlier. Bastard!

But wait...I can call them and tell them the train is delayed...a dog is on the tracks, or, someone threw a mattress on the tracks and it's now burning. I called the office and she bought the whole dog on the tracks story. For some reason she asks me what kind of dog it was. WHAT???? It's a white dog with big ears I tell her. "Big?" she asks. Yeah, I tell her big, really big, huge actually. "OK, Show up at 10 o'clock for the interview" she tells me. Great, I put the coffee to brew, quick shower, brushed and flossed my teeth, shaved and applied after shave. At 8:42 I was out the door and waiting for the Uber in front of my building. At 8:45 jumped into the Uber and was on my way to the interview with good time to spare. As we're crossing the 59th street bridge and are right over the East River, traffic suddenly comes to a complete and total standstill. Now it's 9:17, I ask the driver "what's going on?" he says he doesn't have a clue. At 9:32 I ask him to turn on 1010 WINS or WCBS for any news on what the FUCK could be the cause of this goddamn holdup. And... what kind of "I could give a shit less" Uber driver, doesn't give a shit at ALL, about why he's stuck without rhyme or reason in the middle of a bridge? REALLY??? At 9:48 a report comes on the radio regarding "a huge white dog is wreaking havoc and causing mayhem on the 59th street Bridge with traffic backed up for miles." And the reporter advises listeners..."Folks, avoid the 59th Street Bridge at all costs, take mass transit instead." Now what? Should I call again? What do I tell her now? Undoubtedly, she'll eventually hear about the huge white dog wreaking havoc and causing mayhem, and reporters advising commuters to take mass transit. I was overcome with a sense of despair. We were still 15 minutes away and traffic wasn't moving anywhere. By now people were outside their cars, smoking, milling about and generally just shooting the shit. They all appeared so cool, calm and collected, like this was just another day in the big apple. Finally, at 10:17, traffic started flowing across the bridge again but by this time it was too late for the interview. Fuck it, I told the driver to drop me off at 2nd and 59th. I decided to walk the rest of the way to Central Park. On the way there, I noticed that for some unknown reason somebody had decided to light a mattress on fire in front of a residential building. As I was passing, I noticed the doorman run out and put out the fire with a fire extinguisher. Just another day in the big apple.