Sanctuary of the Heart

         Sanctuary of the Heart

Suzanne Marsh

There is a small white wooden house with green trim the its backyard is Lake Ontario. It was here in this small house that I found sanctuary and the peace that I never knew could exist. The year was 1981 and I was going through a living hell with my former husband. It was bad enough that we were divorcing but he took everything that was near to my heart especially my children. I had nothing left except a huge whole in my heart and a hate that took me a long time to come to grips with. Then I met my future husband; he worked on a farm. I would visit on weekends and it was there in that farm house that I began to think things through.

Time has a way of taking away hurt and eventually I began to understand that. I remember going upstairs in that old farm house and watching the big ships pass by. There something soothing and calming just watching the water and the big ships. I would simply sit for hours in quietness of that old house. I began to realize that my former husband could not hurt me again unless I let him. I became aware that I was my own person. I began to regain my dignity.

I walked down to the barn with sandwiches for my sweetheart. That was usually an adventure in one way or another. Cows are very unpredictable creatures to say the very least. Sometimes he would be chasing a first time heffer. I remember one time he was without his hat then I saw it on a big old bull. I never did ask how or why. I began to understand that everything has a purpose and so did I. I was asked to feed the calves which I really enjoyed. It made me feel as if I were worth something.

While I was at the farm I loved to walk along Lake Ontario; it was peaceful. I had sought peace for so long. My marriage was not a good one; I began to think about that too. I was way to young to get married and so was he. The issue had been forced when I discovered I was pregnant. I still think that it was lust not love. I found myself wondering if this man that I was living with was it really love? Forty years later I can safely say yes.

That old house with cob webs on the window upstairs was like a window to my soul; the part I never knew I had. I remember it had a counter, no chairs. The pantry was a clothes closet and I cooked on a hot plate. One night at two in the morning there was a knock on the door; we both sat up and glared at the door. He opened to find the farmer’s son yelling;

“The cows are out. They are all over the place.”

There were at least three hundred and sixty head that were milked twice a day. We grabbed jeans, sweat shirts and shoes and lit off down the road. We did not have to go very far before we found the first dozen cows. We drove them into the barn. However there was more than the milk cows, there was the first time heffers. There is noting dumber than a first time heffer. They were standing in the lake mooing. What a sight. They were all finally found and returned to the pasture. I sure would love to know who left that gate open.

Eventually we moved from that old farm house. I did not want to leave my sanctuary; the only place I had found some peace. My thoughts began to center on a marriage proposal that was made the night before. I loved him but I was not quite sure how I planned to explain this to my Dad. Dad being Dad solved that problem when he met my future husband for the first time. He had beard that he grew every winter. All my dad could get out of his mouth was:

“My God he looks like Grizzly Adams.” Not gee he is a nice young man. After Dad got over the shock of us getting married he was happy that I was happy. It had been a long time since I smiled and laughed. There was nothing to smile about when I was married to my former husband; just a great deal of grief and hurt.

I now had another sanctuary in the heart of my new husband. I felt safe and secure in my thoughts. I could speak without having to watch my every word. That sanctuary is now forty years old. I never really understood what real love was until all this happened. The peacefulness of Lake Ontario was perhaps the turning point in my life. Things change but some remain the same constant. That is what life is about. Life is about feeling loved and wanted. It is exploring who you are and who you want to be. Those are things I learned from those days in the old farm house. Have I returned there since. Once a good number of years ago; will I return there again. Yes, when our daughter gets married in October. I know now that we all make mistakes and that those mistakes can become something wonderful if we simply take the time to realize that believe that there is no mistake that at some point can’t be fixed in one way or another.

I wonder if the old farm house is still standing, the sanctuary that was home only for a short while. The peace of the waves slapping the shore in the back yard. Sometimes I miss all that, I miss the beauty of walking along an old dirt road with lunch in a paper bag. I don’t miss the cows! I wish now that at some point I could return to those sweet wonderful times but those memories will always be in my heart and the sanctuary of my heart.