Doctor's Office Zone

Consider, if you will, a study of human nature. A study of a group of older women, together in a physician’s waiting room, with little to do while awaiting their turn to see the doctor. Interesting turns of events happen as they each consider the complaints and ailments of the others, all the while, patiently, if that’s the word, waiting for their turn, in the Doctor’s Office Zone.

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Oh, I’m so glad the doctor can see me today. My hands hurt. They ache so much from my arthritis.

Ache? At least you can use your hands. I’m almost crippled, my fingers are so twisted anymore.

Twisted fingers? That’s nothing! My arthritis goes all the way up to my elbows! I can barely move my arms!

Try using your arms when your arthritis shuts you off at your shoulders and neck. I can’t even put on my coat without help.

At least you can move your head. My neck locked up on me. I can only face one way! See? I can’t turn my head!

You don’t know what real arthritis is, dearie. My back is locked up from my hips to my head.

You sure your brain isn’t locked up too?

Funny you should say that. I’m getting so forgetful anymore. My husband gets so mad at me when I forget what I’m doing.

My husband hates how bad my psoriasis looks. He says I look like an alligator.

That's cause you do look like an alligator.

That's not very nice. My psoriasis itches so bad. I have it worse than you do.

I remember that commercial. The heartbreak of psoriasis.

My husband has it too. He says he got it from me.

Husband? At least you got a husband! I lost mine ten years ago.

Only ten? I lost mine almost twenty years ago.

You mean you killed him almost twenty years ago.

We were married almost fifty years!

It took that long for you to kill him?

Slow and steady, that’s what I always say.

Too long for me. That no-good son of a gun of mine ran around and drank like a fish.

I think mine worked for the mob, but he never told me about it. We had a beautiful home and everything we needed. One day I got a call that he was murdered. We never did find out why. So many scary characters were at the funeral.

At least you got a nice home out of it. That useless slob of mine was lazy and only worked when he had to. All those years living paycheck to paycheck and not much else.

Mine gambled and drank our money away. We had to declare bankruptcy. We lost everything.

I still have mine, what I see of him. He’s a writer and sits all day at his computer hammering away at the keys. He’s obsessed at what he does, he barely talks to me. He’s retired but still makes pretty good money with his writing, so it isn’t so bad. He keeps up with our insurance, or else I couldn’t afford being here to see the doctor.

At least you aren’t broke. You don’t know what it’s like to be broke.

Yeah? How about being broke and sick? I can’t afford paying twenty percent after Medicare pays their share.

Yeah, if they pay it. They’re always messing me up. Bills coming in the mail I shouldn’t have to pay.

Medicare keeps turning me down. They say this isn’t covered, that isn’t covered. So what is covered?

I can’t afford being sick all the time.

What do you know about being sick? You look pretty good to me.

Listen. When I had my heart attack…

Heart attack! You don’t know sick like I know sick! When I had my stroke…

Stroke? Pfft.

Listen, honey. I had a heart attack and that caused a stroke while I was in the hospital!

At least you were in the hospital. They found me on my bathroom floor after I had my stroke.

At least they found you. I was stuck in a chair for three days before my daughter came to check up on me.

You were in a chair. Try lying on the floor for three days!

I was on the floor for a week!

You should be dead.

Thank God I’m not!

Dead? You don’t know about dead like I know dead!

You died?

Yup. In the ambulance. On my way to the hospital. The emergency crew saved me.

That’s nothing. I died on the table.

What table? Your kitchen table?

The operating table, you idiot!

I died on the table too. About two minutes until they brought me back.

Two minutes? That’s nothing. I was dead for ten minutes! They even called in a priest!

I died and felt myself float out of my body. I was up near the ceiling and saw the doctors working so hard to bring me back.

Yeah? I floated away right out of the room and saw a bright white light. Then they got me back.

That’s nothing. I went to the bright light and saw so many of my friends and family waiting for me. They told me it wasn’t my time and sent me back.

Pfft. What do you know about dying? I woke up in the morgue. You should’ve seen the looks on their faces!

That’s nothing. I woke up as they were wheeling me out to take me to the funeral home.

I woke up in the funeral home. The young guy learning the funeral trade quit right then and there.

Listen, ladies. When I had my fall…

Fall?

Yes, my fall.

You fell?

Yes, when I had my fall…

*Silence*

Good morning, ladies. I’m Doctor Anderson. And how are all of you this morning?

We’re just fine Doctor, and how are you?

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As you have just seen, in this world of geriatric medical maladies and complaints, a fall will always trump a heart attack, a stroke, arthritis, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and even death. Just another morning, as the ladies try to out-sick each other, in the Doctor’s Office Zone.