Feeling powerless

Feeling powerless

She had quite a presence about her. Physically she was tall, bright, piercing eyes and a ready smile, sometimes accompanied by a guttural giggle. But it was her strong, commanding voice that complemented and even overpowered her other physical traits. 

“There are so many wonderful things we can do together” she had said, when it was agreed that she would be joining my team at work. Youth Power was the name of her campaign. , “I know that I have a huge budget, but it will function under your programme” she said. 

I was so honored and a little intimidated by her joining our group. Her uncle being the CEO of the company had really wanted to give her the opportunity to put her dream into practice. He had arranged for the company to give her funding as part of their social responsibility division, to start the project within the company. He felt that my division would be best suited to house the project.

She was a familiar and popular activist, admired by many. Excited at the wonderful opportunity to work with her and prove myself to the company, I eagerly welcomed her to my office. As she walked in, I watched her with great admiration, she moved steadily and slowly, almost like a lion - power in motion.

“ I have the pleasure to introduce you to Sheila Sanders. She and her team will be working with us for the next year on the exciting new project Youth Power. We will be sharing some of our office space with the team. Sheila will be sitting in that office space over there” I pointed to the right hand corner of the large floor. “The desks of the 4 staff will be situated there,” I indicated in front of her proposed office. “ It is a very new project which we will all be involved in”.

All the staff seemed super animated, while she and I moved to where the proposed new space would be. On impulse, I suggested that we go downstairs for coffee.

“I’ll have a tea and vanilla sponge cake,” I told the waitress. Sheila ordered a toasted sandwich and coffee. “So when did you start at the company?” she asked. I began to tell her about my background and my early interest in the field of community development. I mentioned the work that I had been involved in various communities and the development of a number of mentorship and training programs that emanated from there. She listened with keen interest. “And when did you join my uncles company?” she asked once more. “That was three and a half years ago”, I added, mentioning how thrilled I was when her uncle employed me almost on the spot. I shared with her how happy I had been that day and how my family and I celebrated that night.

Community work meant a lot of commitment financially and time-wise and was mainly undertaken by the non-profit community. One took whatever was affordable as pay, often having to use one’s own funds to pay for incidental costs that arose. Having the opportunity to work for a big company under their Social Responsibility division provided more secure work with better income.   

She spoke about her own advocacy work, focusing particularly on her campaign on Gender Based Violence. As she spoke, my mind drifted back towards memories I had of her on television, being one of the leaders of the protest marches in city center, demanding from government and business alike, to contribute to addressing this scourge. The city had come to a standstill as thousands marched. One saw a stream of people coming together. Most were women, but a number of men joined as well. I had admired her bravery and leadership skills.  

The afternoon drew on and we started to talk about our own personal lives, our families, children and other experiences. By the end of the afternoon, I felt that we had bonded and I happily dropped her off back at the office, so that she could take a drive home. 

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Over the next two weeks, we saw changes as her office and working space was erected and desks and computers filled the empty space. The enveloping vastness of the office soon diminished into a full hive of activity. There was a lot of banter, laughter and a general sense of optimism in the place. 

The usual Monday meeting with my team resulted in many questions about the new project. How long would they be here? How involved would we be with the project? I explained that we were the permanent mother programs and the project would run for a year under our program. “However” I explained  “as it’s a big project with rather a large budget, it will have its own brand and identity”. 

The next day, the CEO came down to observe developments. A charismatic leader, he walked straight into my office to understand how the project was going. As I eagerly started to explain to him, Sheila came over. “I was just coming to see you!” he exclaimed. She proceeded to provide some of the developments of the project. 

After a while, she guided him towards her office and he patted my shoulder as he left saying “thanks for getting this going”. 

Almost immediately, the funds devoted to the project, was being spent and I, as the second signatory, signed cheques for t-shirts, caps and track suits with the brand’s logo being produced. There were payments for transport to different parts of the country to meet with prospective people who would be part of their campaign. Funds were also spent on a retreat at a hotel and spa for the whole team to bond and undertake a brainstorming session on the proposed project. 

One day, while exiting the lift on my floor, I bumped into the senior accountant. He asked how the new project was going. I indicated that it was going well and he said to me “don’t forget, that when the company audits take place, whatever work is done on the new project falls under you. So you are directly accountable for all expenses, etc.”. “Yes, I know” I responded “it should all be fine…anyway she’s the bosses niece!” I joked. “That does not matter” he went on “a clean audit is what we strive for….no matter what”.

That evening, I thought about what the accountant had said. I had never really thought about the audits and accounts in depth, but felt comforted by the fact that all was going well. The weeks continued and Sheila and I became quite friendly. She invited our team to her house for dinner.

One Monday morning I needed to attend a doctor’s appointment and indicated to the office that I would be late. We would therefore have our staff meeting on Tuesday. Fortunately, I finished my appointment early and went to the office. On my arrival I saw that there was no one around – it seemed deserted!

Only as I moved towards my office, did I hear voices and turned to my right, to see everyone assembled around Sheila, in her office. Intrigued, I walked over and found that some form of meeting was taking place. “Hi” she smiled “I just thought that I would include your team with mine, since we were having this meeting”. Stunned I said “oh ok….”. The meeting continued and she started to refer to the budget of the project. “We want to spend our monies on the following activities… and we will find a way to use some of the funds from the mother program for joint activities”. Startled, I responded, “perhaps that could be discussed between us a little later”.

“No but we have to be TRANSPARENT” she retorted while others looked at me accusingly. “Of course we do” I said, “but it’s not necessary to discuss all the details here and now”. 

I suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion sweeping over me and the voices in the room seemed far away. I was present, but also not. I was surrounded by people, but also alone. Silently, I waited for the meeting to end, every moment seemingly forever.   

I went to get myself a cup of tea and tried to hold back tears of anger and betrayal. As I turned to return to my desk, I glanced in her direction and she was on the phone, talking loudly and animatedly. I went back to my desk, wanting to burst into tears while holding my head up with a false smile plastered on my face. I glanced in her direction every now and again, waiting for the opportunity to talk to her. 

After about an hour of desperate waiting, I called her and asked whether we could meet at the coffee shop downstairs.  “I’m so busy at the moment” she said. “It needs to be today” I said. 

We agreed to meet at 5pm that day. I wondered how I would get through the rest of the day.  

I arrived at the coffee shop 5 minutes before the time, counting each second that passed by. Eventually she arrived at about 8 minutes past apologizing and revealing her guttural giggle. “What a day it’s been! Its’ nice to sit and relax at last! So how ARE you?” she asked, looking at me directly in the eye with a bright smile on her face. 

I felt the anger starting to subside a little and could hear messages of “maybe she didn’t mean anything by it….. maybe it won’t happen again…” ringing in my head.

“Look….” I said, “I wasn’t happy about you having a meeting and including members of my team, without me there”.

“Oh…. Was that a problem for you? “Some of them were already talking to my team members and were asking some questions about the project, so I thought I would just have one big team meeting”.

“Yes” I understand” I said “but it may confuse people about who is leading which project”.

“But we are working together!” she said her voice rising. “Please don’t be so insecure about that! Gosh you are SO sensitive!”

I once more felt waves of exhaustion and despair overwhelming me and I started to back down. We had our drinks and went our separate ways. I wished her a good night and she did the same to me telling me to just relax.  

Things continued as normal over the next few days. Then, at the end of the month, two of my team members resigned. I was truly surprised as I had not been aware of any unhappiness. “What are you going to do?” I asked each of them “and why are you leaving?”.  Each of them looked a little uncomfortable and then stated that they were moving to Sheila’s team. I knew she had planned to extend her team. So soon? “The money there is better” they said. “Of course!” I thought. “With her budget triple that of mine; of course she could pay more. And why she needed to extend her team from four to six was beyond me and why purge from my team!”

I wished them well. What could I do? It was a free market. Suddenly, I felt a cold shadow fall over the smooth, exciting partnership and new friendship.

Over the next few weeks, activities continued but were a little more strained. Sheila and I kept away from each other and we continued with our work, she with her additional new staff. She was still highly popular with everyone, being the famous activist. Who was I, in comparison?

One day, the CEO came down to our floor and walked straight to Sheila’s office. I kept an eye out for him, preparing myself for a brief visit from him. Before I knew it, he was nowhere to be seen and a team member confirmed he had gone back upstairs.

Eventually, I found an opportunity to take some desperately needed leave. I would be going away to the seaside for two weeks. A few days before I was due to leave, Sheila sent over one of her staff with a huge envelope. I could feel a snakelike tension creeping on my shoulders as she approached me. She indicated that since I would be away and not available to sign cheques, could I sign about 20 blank cheques? I balked at this. I understood the dilemma, but I heard the accountant, loudly in my ears. “you are ultimately responsible for the accounts”. I indicated that this would be problematic and I would need to see how we could resolve the issue. 

That afternoon, Sheila stepped into my office and said in a loud voice “what are you accusing me of? Are you saying I’m not trustworthy?” I stared back at her amidst the curious stares from the team through my glass window. “Its not that….. its just that I am ultimately responsible……” I said. She moved closer, repeating “so you are saying I am not trustworthy!”

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Its five years down the line and I enter my office. I place my cup of tea and biscuit next to my computer and log in to start my day. The young lady pops her head through my office door. “Hi” remember in one hour we start interviews for your manager. “Yes, thanks” I respond and sit back, thinking to  myself ….“It’s so nice to be employing brand new people for my brand new company!