Alex

Hi, my name is Alex, I have the perfect life I got 2 amazing siblings a mom and a dad. On top of all that greatness, I have the most perfect boyfriend of all time who would do anything for me. My grades at school are amazing, my friends have always been there for me. I can go out have fun do whatever I want. Ya, that's all FAKE I wish my life was like that but is not. ``The truth is I’m miserable. All my life I have been bullied for the way I looked, for the way I dressed, just everything about me. I act like I'm ok and that people's opinions don't really matter to me when in reality they do a lot. People automatically think that I'm happy cause I got a mom, a dad, and the most perfect boyfriend but it's not true what so ever on the inside I am truly dying. I don't know why maybe it's my screwed-up past or maybe it's just me. The thing is that I don't wanna tell anybody cause they will think that it's all an act or that it's just a phase.

As I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror holding a blade in my right hand I started cutting myself as I watched the blood flow down my arm and hit the floor I broke down in tears saying to myself where did that happy little girl go? What happened to her? Are people right about me all along?  You see I've always been that girl that has her hood up with her head down sitting at the back of the bus or the back of the class walking with her head down in the hallways wearing long sleeves so nobody would see my scars and ask questions. Whenever someone asked if I was ok I always say yes when on the inside I am slowly losing myself more and more every day. And the thing that made it even worse is that I have always been everyone's second choice, I've always been the second girl he picked, the second favorite best friend, the second-best at everything.

As I fell to the ground looking directly at myself in the mirror I just thought to myself where was everybody when I was sitting on my bedroom floor bleeding with the blade in my hand crying myself to sleep. Where was everybody can't you see under that big smile it's all fake it's all been a lie that I have been suffering not wanting to be alive trying to keep going but keep returning to the same spot I was before. Looking in the mirror wanting the darkness to leave me but it never does it's there no matter what. I say that to myself as I look at my cuts on my arms. People call me selfish and self-centered but the only reason that I'm still here is so that they don't have to feel the pain and grief of me ending it all. 

I'm being held with the only one good thing in my life but I'm just scared that in just one blink of an eye that he’ll be gone forever. I can't take this anymore. I'm just tired of all the lies and the fake smiles I just want to be truly happy. I don't want to fake anything I wanna be me one hundred and one percent. You see one of my biggest fears is that people will see me for me and not like it. I've let my guard down so  many times. I've let people in but as soon as things are going great they leave me. People find me at my lowest point they'll patch me all up then BOOM its gone just like that.

You see I have realized the hard way that depression is a real thing that many people go through but most people hide it. Everybody has issues and everybody deals with them in their own ways. The thing is that some people just dont get is that you can’t tell somebody to stop being depressed if they could they would but its not a choice. From what I have felt depression is a feeling that always there no matter how hard you try to make it go away. You can be sitting in a room with people and that feeling just gets stronger. Sometimes it gets even harder when are parents call us lazy and stupid when we are over here trying are best not to end it all. 

Some people deal with it by self-harming themselves because they feel like that's the only control they have of themselves. And when you cut yourself you just have this rush and you feel like that's the only way to express your feelings. Sometimes when you have been broken so many times you feel like nobody can fix that nobody can fix you. When your damaged nobody wants you. When people have depression it hard for them to open up and it get scary because they dont want you to judge them. For all the young kids that have depression I know its hard but you gotta keep pushing yourself no matter how hard it gets you need to believe in yourself. You are worth so much more than you know and its ok if sometimes you dont wanna get out of bed.

 I know that feeling very well and I know its hard to keep going when you feel like the whole world is turning against you. The world is a very scary place filled with strange people and strange things and I know its hard to hold on. But try to hold on as hard as you can.  Its going to be a hard journey but you can do it. But trust me there are people that can help you. You’ve already come this far you can go a lot further. It's never too late to be happy and to forget about the past. This is not the end of your journey yet.