The Quest

Michael lived ten years in total happiness.  

Then he lived for ten years fighting through the reality he had come to know.  

Then he lived for twenty years in blissful ignorance.

Of Michael’s forty years of life, thirty were dictated by a single question in which he awaited an answer.  He first asked it when he was ten years old.  How many times he asked, he lost track.  Answers came and went, but nothing seemed to satisfy his thirst for an answer.  

In college, at 20 years old, he met Sandy and learned to forget the question.

But when Michael turned forty, that ignored question hit him hard in the face.  

***

Ten Years Old

Michael knew something was wrong when his Mom and Dad were still not home at 10:00.  They recently started going out for a couple hours every Thursday evening for a couples golf league.  Now that he was ten and pretty independent, they trusted Michael to be alone for longer periods of time.  Being the only child, Michael had nobody else to worry about, and he had an old phone to use for emergencies.

His parents were always home by 9:00 to listen to him read and tuck him in.  It was a fun routine for Michael, and he looked forward to his weekly independence.  But being an hour late scared Michael.  He tried calling his Mom.  No answer.  Then his Dad.  No answer.  Then Mom again.

Finally, there was a noise and Michael recognized it as the front door.  He went up to check on who it was, but nervously.  The front door was always locked and his parents would be coming in through the garage.  He looked around the corner and saw his grandfather.  

“Hey there, Mikey.”  His grandfather always called him Mikey, and he always sounded cheerful.  Tonight, he sounded like he was trying to be cheerful.  

“Grandpa, what are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to pick you up.  You’re going to have a sleepover with me tonight!  Doesn’t that sound fun?”

He started walking toward Michael and his bedroom, but Michael didn’t move.  “Why?  Mom and Dad are supposed to be home.  Where are they?”

Michael was only ten, but children have a great grasp of sensing when things are amiss.  The routine was broken, and never before had his grandfather come to whisk him away at 10:00 for a sleepover.  Plus, his grandfather seemed very nervous and shaken.

His grandfather sighed a deep, heavy sigh.  He looked up as if searching for cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling.  Michael thought he looked like he was about to cry.

“Oh Mikey.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know everything going on.  Your father called me and wants me to take you tonight.  Look…” He paused and looked at Michael.  Then he beckoned for Michael to come to him.  “Come here, Mikey.”  Michael went to him and his grandfather embraced him, saying very quietly, “Mikey, your mom is hurt really badly.  I don’t know how bad.  I’m sure everything will be okay.  I just...I just don’t know anything.  Let’s get your things and go…”

The rest of the words slipped away from Michael.  He suddenly felt a cold chill.  He felt numb.  He went along with his grandfather.

The next day he learned his mother had died.

***

Twenty Years Old

“Hey - uh - hi.”

Awkward, but not horrific.  Michael’s introduction to Sandy, a beautiful sophomore in his communications course at the university, fell a bit flat while also making her smile.

“Hi.”

“My name’s Mikey - er - uh - Michael.  I’m just - I mean I just wanted to tell you that I loved your speech last week.”

Sandy brightened a bit more and offered her thanks.  She then turned back in her seat and waited for the professor to begin class.

Michael looked at her for a moment, and then pushed forward.  “Look, your comment about how we should just let things go and live life everyday to its fullest potential made me thanks a lot over the weekend.  I really think I want to try that.”

Sandy turned to face Michael and replied, “Well I think that’s great.  Everybody should live like it's their last day.”

Michael grimaced a bit, but he felt he hid it well as he morphed it into a smile.  His mom was still on his mind, but he knew he had to be bold here.  “Yeah, well, I think I’d like to learn more about your thoughts on life.  How about after class we go to that Mexican place across the campus?”

The question came out forced and a bit too quick because of his nerves.  He tried to read Sandy’s expression, but he was never very good at that sort of thing.  After what felt like longer than a whole boring biology lecture, Sandy hesitantly said, “Well, I can’t.  I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Michael deflated.  “No problem.  Thanks again for the speech.”

“It’s just that I have a class right after this.  How about we meet there tonight instead?  Say 6:00?”

Michael brightened and said that would be great.

Two years later they were married and Michael had all but forgotten the question that had plagued him for ten long years.

***

Ten Years Old

“Michael?  Michael?”  

His therapists’ eyebrows raised while he leaned in closer.  Michael was daydreaming again.  He shook free from the voided thoughts and looked back up at Dr. Truman.

“Oh good, there you are.  You went off again.”

“Sorry,” Michael said with very little conviction.

“I have told you that is okay to wander.”  Dr. Truman was really good at connecting with children.  He had certainly developed a positive and trusting relationship with Michael over the past six months.  Michael trusted him, so Dr. Truman had no reservations about asking, “What were you thinking of?”

“The same question as always, Derek.”  Dr. Truman always allowed his patients to be on a first-name basis with him.  “Why did she die?”

“Have you been given an answer yet?”

In six short months, Dr. Truman learned that this question plagued the young Michael everyday.  Michael had asked the question to not only him, but to his father, his pastor, his favorite teacher, and to his best friend Billy.  Nobody gave him an answer he liked.

“God works in mysterious ways. We don’t always know why bad things happen, but we must trust He will be with us through it all.”

“Maybe God needed another angel.”

“Accidents happen all the time.  It is such a tragedy, but your mother loved you and would want you to be strong for her.”

“I don’t know why she died.  I’m sorry it happened, though.”

So many answers that were not really answers.  Michael asked and listened, asked and listened, asked and listened.  Many were uncomfortable with offering an answer and tried to redirect the conversation.  He couldn’t understand why nobody could tell him.  It bothered him immensely.

“No, Derek.  I don’t have any answer.  Have you come up with something?”

Michael asked Derek every session, and asked Derek to find out for him.  Derek couldn’t make any promises, but did promise to always listen and talk to Michael.  “I think that it is like a quest, Michael.  Do you know what a quest is?”

“Yeah,” Michael quickly replied.  Despite his sadness, he truly loved adventure stories.  The word ‘quest’ sparked a new interest in him.  “Like when a hero is given an adventure by his king.  The hero has to find a treasure or defeat a dragon.”

Dr. Truman smiled.  “Yes, that’s right.  We don’t have the answer yet, but it is there.  I think part of your life’s quest is to discover the answer that you can be satisfied with.  It may take a lot of time, but it is okay to ask.  It is okay to listen to different answers.  It is okay to disagree with those answers.  Heroes who are given quests often learn valuable lessons along the way.”

“Like in this story I read about a knight named Sir George who learned that he didn’t have to do the quest alone.  He learned how important friendship is.”

“That’s right, Michael.  That’s right.  I think you have a great quest ahead of you.  I’ll be here to help you as much as I can.  And your dad will help you, too.”

“I’m not sure about that.”  Michael suddenly deflated.

“Why do you say that, Michael?”

“He just seems different lately.  He used to read to me and play Legos with me all the time.  Now he tries, but he doesn’t ever seem happy about it.  He’ll tell me to go to bed early and sometimes he won’t even tuck me in.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Michael.  Have you tried to talk to him?”

Yes, Michael had tried to talk to him.  But for the next few years, Michael would witness his father drinking more, talking less, and drifting away from him with each passing day into a sea of deep depression.  

Michael soon took on his quest with no help from his father.

***

Forty Years Old

The past twenty years were amazing for Michael.  After meeting Sandy, he learned to let go of his quest.  He could never answer the question of why his mother died.  The quest was fruitless and painful.  He barely graduated high school and only squeaked through college admissions.  After meeting Sandy, though, everything became a breeze.  He finally felt free from the chains his dead mother locked him in.

Michael found during his courtship with Sandy that he relied too heavily on God.  He always thought the answer was with Him.  He grew resentful of God, and he hated God, but he somehow knew that God was the only one with the answer to his question.  After meeting Sandy, he was done waiting for that answer.  He decided to, as Sandy said in her speech, live his life to its greatest potential.

He had done just that.  For the past twenty years, he grew in a lovely relationship with Sandy.  He began his career, and she began hers.  They had two beautiful children.  Michael was able to build a better relationship with his father, and even though his father still struggled as a widow, the father-son relationship improved.  It became even better after Michael and Sandy’s first child game into the picture.  

Then at forty, the question Michael so easily left behind came back to haunt him with extreme passion.  Like a cancer that goes away, but bites back harder than before, the question took over his very being.  It happened the night that Sandy left work a little early only to be sideswiped by a large truck.  She never made it home.  

And there it was.  That impossible question Michael had waited to be answered for so long presented itself to him again.  Why did she die?

Why?  Why must good people be taken from us?  Why must Michael, an innocent boy who had committed no sin that he could think of, be left alone with no mother?  Why must Michael, a doting husband and loving father, be left without a bride to raise their children as a widow?  What had he done to deserve this punishment?  More than that, what had these two women done to be stripped of their life so quickly?  Neither his mother nor Sandy would be able to watch their own children grow up and become good people.

Why did she die?  

***

Michael struggled like his own father did in raising his children after the death of his wife.  He struggled because the question hovered over him like a guardian angel.  It was whispered to him constantly, and he could never shake the feeling.  He regressed to becoming that ten-year-old boy posing the question about his mother.  Now, he had to include his wife.  No longer was it, “Why did she die?”  Rather, it was now, “Why did they die?”

Thankfully, Michael never touched alcohol like his father.  He dealt with his demons in other ways, though.  He slowly detached from his children and felt himself drifting.  He recognized it, tried to come back, but struggled.  He called Dr. Truman, now retired, but still willing to talk.  Dr. Truman agreed to meet with Michael.

They found each other on a cold bench overlooking an empty park on a brisk, Tuesday morning.  They hugged while Dr. Truman whispered his sympathies to Michael.  They sat down.  They looked at the park.  They said nothing.

Finally, Michael began with a barely audible voice.  “Remember when I called you and told you I let the question go?  That I didn’t need the answer anymore?  I believed that then.”

“And I was happy for you.  I was so proud you found happiness.”

“Now the question is back.  I am obsessed with it.  For the past six months I have been struggling with understanding this new life without Sandy.  I don’t get it.  In all these years, will there ever be an answer.  Why must my loved ones die?”

There was silence for a while, and in that silence, Dr. Truman put a hand upon Michael’s knee, patting it gently.  He removed his hand, stood up, and looked back at Michael sitting alone on the bench.

“Michael, I want you to look out at this cold, empty park.  Nobody is here.  It’s too early.  It’s too cold.  It seems full of sorrow.  The wind is picking up and telling us to leave.  It sounds like a storm is brewing.”

He paused and turned around to take it in for himself.  Michael just sat there, feeling like he was ten again, sitting on a comfortable chair in Dr. Truman’s office.  He waited for Dr. Truman to continue.

“Look over there,” Dr. Truman went on while pointing toward a nearby tree.  “Do you see that squirrel in the tree?”

Michael looked and nodded.

“That squirrel looks to be at peace, doesn’t he?  Not a care in the world.  Despite the emptiness, despite the cold, despite the potential storm, he sits in peace.”

Michael tried to understand, but couldn’t comprehend what Dr. Truman was getting at.  He came back to sit next to Michael.

“Michael, I’m sorry.  I don’t have an answer to why anybody dies.  I do know that I want to be like that squirrel.  Despite the pain that surrounds me, despite the storms that may come, I want to sit in peace.  I want to look back on my life and be happy with who I have become.  I want to look toward my future and be confident I can grow.”

“But Derek, how can I sit here in peace when my mom died and left me with an absent father.  My wife died and left me with two kids I don’t know how to raise by myself.  I can’t sit here passively and pretend to be happy about my life.”

A pause.  Dr. Truman was contemplating his words very carefully.

“Remember when you were ten and I told you that this question you await an answer for is like a quest?”  Michael nodded.  “Quests have lessons, yes?”  Michael nodded again.  “What lessons have you learned since you were ten?”

Michael thought about that wide-open question, but could only think of when he was in college and Sandy told him to live his life.  “I should live my life to its fullest.  I should learn from my experiences and live the next day fully.”

“You are asking the wrong question, my friend.  You are asking why a person you loved has died.  The question you must ask is not why, but what.  What can you do with this experience to move forward and live your next day to its fullest?  It is not about forgetting your loved ones.  It is not about understanding why bad things happen.  Grief is a process.  It is a quest.  Each day is a new challenge to overcome.  Remember your mother.  Remember your wife.  Let them be with you in spirit as you conquer each new day.  Do that for yourself.  Do that for your children.  The quest still isn’t over, Michael, but the quest changes as you grow.”

They sat in silence for a long time after that.  Michael let the thoughts drift by like a slow-moving ocean rolling over the beach.  He looked up over the tree line at the far edge of the park and noticed a cross from a tall church.  It was odd how that cross seemed to be hit at that moment by the sun rays piercing through a small crack in the dark clouds.  

It began to sprinkle rain and the two men sat silently.  Michael stood up, and without looking at Dr. Truman, he said, “Thanks Derek.  I really appreciate you coming here.”  He began to walk toward the church.  

“Where are you going?”

“I’m continuing my quest.  I think you are right.  I’m asking the wrong question.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next, but I think I need to do some soul-searching.  I’m going to get my kids and do something fun with them today.  Then -”

He cut off, unsure of what was next.  He just knew that he needed to take this one day at a time.  He wasn’t going to give up his quest, but he also wasn’t going to allow an unanswerable question to control his life like it did thirty years before.  He was done waiting for that answer.  He continued walking away to pick up his children.

“Michael, I’m sorry about Sandy.  Call if you want to talk.”

Michael kept walking, but he put on the first genuine smile he had worn in six months.  He had a long-time doctor and friend supporting him.  He had his father, still healing, but present.  He had his two children.  And he had his quest, not to find an answer, but to live his life.