Half Empty

" Your not serious.. are you?" I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. It's not everyday you get a message in your Instagram dms from a stranger telling you that your significant other cheated on you. As any normal human, I was very suspicious. I mean after all, this person didn't even have a profile picture, it was default. But as much as I wanted to ignore it, it was strangely too straight forward to be a joke. " Your girlfriend Hannah cheated on you.. with me." the text message read. I stared at it for a while, letting it seep in to my heart. However letting it sink in was the biggest mistake I could've ever made.

We all know the saying, think with your brain not with your heart. It implies that thinking with your heart could lead to poor decisions. Well I was always big on following my heart till this single moment changed everything. The strangers text message seeped deep into the core of my feelings, and I felt the need to reply. So I did, which led to me and this stranger talking for a while. In fact, we talked for a good couple hours, and this stranger suddenly started to feel more familiar than I ever would have thought. The more he explained, the more I understood and the more uneasy I became. I could feel nervousness, a cold sweat breaking out. I loved Hannah, with all of my heart and to have to end it like this, it was something I would have never imagined. But the reality is, what this stranger was saying, all made sense. It wasn't a lie, nor was it some sort of trick. She did cheat on me, and he was simply providing proof. Everything from names, certain phrases she uses, to pictures, and cities they met up in. It all added up, and the more things piled on, the more anxiety poured through my veins.

I nervously opened snapchat, our main source of communication when we were apart from each other, to confront my girlfriend on this matter. I didn't know what to say, so I just got straight to the point. " Hannah, did you cheat on me?" I could see my finished text on the screen, as my finger hovered over the send button. I was shaking, as much as I didn't want to ask, I knew I would have too sooner or later. With that realization, I pressed send, and through to her the message went. Her reply, was to be expected of, a message in all caps claiming she would never do such a thing. So as a response, I asked the stranger to send me a picture of themselves, and I sent that picture of the guy to her.

My girlfriend never responded.

It was late at night.

I waited for hours.

Still no response.

Twelve a.m.. She had read the message but still no response. It started to get to me, no that's an understatement, it started to give me serious anxiety. I could not fathom the fact that she actually cheated, after all we had been through everything together. She told me I was the reason she didn't kill herself. She told me I gave her a purpose to stay and continue with life, she told me she needed me. She told me lots of things. But it turned out she told the same things to the other guy as well. Atleast, that would be true if what the other guy was saying, wasn't a lie. The only way for me to find out is if she would just reply. And yet, no response.

At around one a.m. I could no longer take it. We would normally stay awake all night texting because of her inability to sleep early. But this night she was truly ignoring me. The more I waited the more my sanity left. All of a sudden, I lost it. I went back to her name on snapchat, opened our messages, and out of emotions, letting my heart control my actions, I said some hurtful things that forever changed the way she perceived me. I called her things I regret to this day, a mistake I will never forgive myself for. It was the same things I called her, that ended up being the reason for why she decided to break up the next morning, despite me forgiving her for cheating. She did infact reply the next morning, sent an entire essay apologizing and explaining why she cheated. Claiming that she was forced to do so or the guy threatened that he would take his life. I didn't believe her, it sounded too fabricated, and yet, I realized I needed her. So I forgave her, but the damage was already done. I said those hurtful words the night before and because of my careless actions she decided I no longer trusted her, leading her to tear down our wall of memories, and eventually remove me from her life.

I was devastated. I knew I messed up, I knew I hurt her. But she also hurt me. We both hurt each other. It was bad, it was like no other breakup ive ever been through. This one truly cut deep, deeper than it ever should have. It took a year, the recovery process, took an entire year. That year was perhaps the most painful year of my life. The biggest thing I learned, was to stop letting my heart control my actions. It was because my heart was empty that she became that void, filling it up. She meant the world and back to me, so much so that I had forgot who I was. I no longer had a sense of self, she was apart of me, and I had to live with that part snatched away for the rest of my time. Even after I fully recovered from the depression and severe anxiety I faced that year, I would still catch myself occasionally thinking about her. I found a way to control it, letting these occasional times be more of a reminiscent joy, than a deadly past. But one day at my school, the thoughts flooded back. It was the moment I ran into her best friend, Ashley.

Ashley had just transferred schools into my school. Ashley was my ex's best friend, they did everything together. Since my ex Hannah was homeschooled, Ashley would often visit her and sleep over. Ashley knew everything about Hannah, everything there was to know. So it was only natural that when I saw Ashley walking down our school hallway, that I ran up to her and said hi. It wasn't long before we found a place to sit and started chatting up like old times. Ashley was always an upfront honest person, she never picked a side unless harm was being dealt. She was a nice person, a bit too nice, and it was for that reason that me and Hannah decided to hide our past relationship from her. Ashley knew nothing, nothing about me and her best friend dating. So it was quite easy for me to catch her off guard and ask " So Ashley, I know this is kind of random but, you know Hannah right, is it true that there was a time about two years ago, that a guy forced her into a relationship, claiming he would kill himself if she didn't date him?" As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it. I could see Ashley's face fill with pure shock and than a subtle calmness, she looked me dead in the eyes and said " Yes, yes there was. In fact Hannah told me she didn't want to but she was too much of a kind person to leave him all alone by himself. So she dated him even though she made it clear she never liked him. However she only dated him for a month and than she left him, she mentioned something about her feeling bad about all of it. "

My heart dropped, I could not believe my ears. The sudden realization hit me that it was all my fault. The guy that claimed she cheated willingly, he was lying the entire time. He claimed she dated him the entire time me and her were together. But that was not true, me and Hannah dated for six months. She was only with him for a month. The guy claimed he never forced her, but the truth was he did. Everything was my fault, I should've believed her. I shouldn't have called Hannah the words I did. I shouldn't have hurt her the way I did.

" Why do you ask?" Ashley asked me.

I realized there was no point in hiding it anymore, so I confessed to everything. I told Ashley every detail of everything that transpired. How me and her best friend Hannah dated, how we loved each other more than anything, and how she was forced into cheating on me with this other guy. Seeing Ashley's face go through a roller coaster of emotions made me super anxious. And yet, after I finished telling her everything. She couldn't quite fit the pieces together so she called up Hannah on her phone, right than and there with me sitting opposite of her, to clarify whether what I was saying was the truth.

" Hi Ashley, why are you calling during school hours?"

That voice hit like a baseball bat connecting with the ball. I could feel it in my soul despite being so far away. Hannah's voice seamlessly floated into my ears and sent a cold shiver down my spine. It had been almost two years since I heard her voice, and to think she was on a call with her best friend, only a couple feet away from me, made me super anxious. It warmed my heart to the very core hearing her talk again, she seemed to be living a happy life.

" Oh nothing, I just wanted some clarification on your past relationship.." Ashley replied.

It was than that they had a long conversation, which ended up with Ashley listening to Hannah tell her everything I just told her minutes ago. Ashley satisfied, ended the call and looked me right in the eyes. " I have to go now, thank you for telling me everything. Tomorrow were going to fix all of this, just be ready, okay? See yah." She got up and walked away. I was too caught up with everything that had just happened to notice what she had said. It was only the next day, that forever filled part of the hole I had in my heart.

" Class, don't forget to turn in your homework on the site tonight. " My teachers words echoed throughout the room. It was the next morning, first class of the day. Fairly boring enough, the class ended, and I went straight to the bathroom to make sure my curls were looking okay like usual. After fixing my hair, I decided to go to the small hangout area with large circle tables and moving chairs. It was where all my friends would hangout till the next class started. I walked over there and started to process everyone that was there. I could see my friends Dillon, Troy, Jaden, Bryce and Ashley. However, they seemed to all be making a circle around someone. As I got closer, I took notice to who it was and my heart immediately stopped beating. It was Hannah, she was sitting there, being the shy girl she is looking down at her laptop paying attention to no one. It was clear all of them were into her since she is very pretty and Ashley just seemed to be smiling and laughing at the entire thing. I took a step back, one step turned into many steps, I ran back into the bathroom and did a quick double take.

I had to make sure I was looking my best for her. I fixed my hair, fixed my clothes, drank some water, and walked back to where she was sitting. My friends noticed me and said hi, after saying hi to everyone I sat right in front of Hannah. I was in fact only three feet away on a chair that was right in front of her. To Hannah's left was Ashley, staring right at me with a big smile. I could feel my heart racing, Hannah still didn't look up. She was a shy girl and was used to blocking everything else out. So I thought of something on the spot and said out loud " Wow, I never thought id meet my ex here." Her eyes immediately darted up and blood rushed to her pale cheeks. Blushing she whispered a quick hi and looked back down at her laptop. Ashley, amused by everything that was unfolding, slapped Hannah on the back and lightly shouted " talk to him!"

" B-But I don't know what to say. You never told me he would be here.." Hannah muttered.

I smiled, she looked as pretty as she did the first time I laid eyes on her. " Well I got to go to class, but it was nice seeing you again Hannah, maybe we can talk after class?" Hannah looked up and responded with a " yes.. please." I left to class, and counted the time down till it finished. As soon as class was over, I checked my texts and Ashley told me Hannah was sitting outside her class waiting for Ashley's class to end. I went straight to the building she was in, and found her sitting at a round wooden table and asked if I could sit next to her. Hannah responded with a yes, so I sat down and that is when the awkward five minutes began.

I was very nervous, the girl I loved with all of my heart, the girl ive been through so much with, the girl that hurt me and got hurt by me, she was sitting right next to me. And we both just sat there silently as awkward as could be till I let out a laugh, than she laughed and we both laughed for a bit. We than decided to move to a vacant hallway since there were people nearby and we had alot to discuss. We went into the long empty hallway and sat across from each other, backs against the wall. I looked straight at her, and out came the apologies. I explained how sorry I was for not trusting her and how sorry I was for the words I said to her. I told her how in the heat of the moment my words were heavily influenced by emotion and that they held no true meaning. Hannah managed to whisper out a thank you as she looked at me with teary eyes. She than proceeded to tell her side of the story, how much she was hurting knowing that she hurt me, and how bad she felt for cheating. I quickly stopped her and told her not to worry and that I forgave her long ago.

The tears started to drop, our eyes started to leak like a broken faucet that could never be fixed.

" But I know what I said that night was terrible, and I don't blame you if you can't forgive me, I can't even forgive myse-" I muttered out as my voice cracked

" Please don't apologize, I do forgive you, you forgave me for cheating and I put you through alot so." Hannah said with the tears flowing down her face.

" But that wasn't your fault.. it was all mine for never trusting you" I could feel the emotion spilling out of me.

Hannah broke down and explained to me how much pain she went through after we broke up and I started to realize how similar it was to what I went through. I quickly got up and asked if I could give her a hug, and she willingly got up and wrapped her arms around my lower back. I could feel her soft touch and her body cuddling up against my abs as I wrapped my arms around her upper back. We held that hug for quite a while, it felt like time stopped for that one moment, where all the pain and suffering we put each other through, suddenly came to a closure with this one hug. We slowly let go of our embrace and through the tears and memories we looked at each other one last time and smiled.

I will never forget her red cheeks, teary eyes, and beautiful smile the moment we pulled out of the hug. It was after that beautiful moment, that bit by bit she started to disappear. Days passed and although we had become friends, it was no longer the same. That feeling of love was far gone, we had the closure we needed, so with time we drifted apart, sailing our boats of life far far away. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her now, im sure she does too, but the reality is, we both know we cannot ever be together again. Atleast now we can be free and perhaps start over, with someone else. Till than, my heart will forever be, half empty.