The Retreat

It’s the nightmares again. Leela woke up with a pounding heart, and for a moment, she could hardly remember where she even was. She got up from her bed, rather speedily and uttered some prayers. As she continued with her prayers, louder each time, every dead cell in her seemed to come to live in the sheer moment of spiritual awakening. She shuddered in a wave of calmness that seem to fill her entire being. She had her eyes gently closed, her mind millions of miles away, far away from the chaos of the mundane world.

Leela always felt that something within her was not completely right, like there were two beings within her, but wasn’t exactly clear about it. She could never figure out what was wrong with her. Sure enough, she did not give due time and energy to find it out for herself. She didn’t care to realise its inception but it is quite obvious it chanced soon after, when seven years of her relationship with her fiancée came to an abrupt end. Every day was a heavy burden for her, something she could only get through with much difficulties. Having her meals on time was a burden, personal care was a enormous task and house keeping was a nightmare. Yet, she kept going. She wasn’t sure what she was upto, rather confused. She hurried through every little thing she did, walked around fast with a tunnel vision, her head stooped low, her only motive was to ensure she reach the work place on time. She completed her task at hand but majority of the times, her mind would be lots away, wandering. The occasional breaks she took at work, she would be just starring at her face in the bathroom mirror, lost in much self pity for the ugliness she found in herself. The unsightly red bumps seemed to be increasing each passing day and she reminded herself how cursed her appearance was. She hated herself as much as she hated having to survive.

Done with her prayers, Leela stretched her body in accord with a long relaxing breathe and let out a gentle grin on her face as she felt the wave of relaxation across her body. She couldn’t deny how powerful mindfulness can be. She opened the window curtains to a welcoming view of shrubs blanketed in a thick virgin snow. The sun glistening through the snow made her eyes wink. Gazing at the wall-clock, she wondered how her body wildly adjust to its biological clock. Thoughts of a warm shower and a crunchy breakfast made her smile grow bigger. Putting on her best pair of shades and her favourite fur coat, she dipped her fine leather boots in the fresh crisp morning snow. As her footsteps reverberated in the virgin snow, she only continued forward. She took a glance back and admired how beautiful her snow-capped log cabin looked. For a moment she wished she she had her phone in hand to capture the beauty and imagined how a social media post on it would have attracted likes and comments. Soon enough, she felt that was a stupid desire and she only chose to enjoy the moment. Flocks of sparrows went advancing from tree to tree and their occasional landings left tiny graceful footprints in clusters. To Leela, every snow-clad tree would ould have made perfect Christmas decors and the tree-line afar looked just as majestic. With the approaching of a cold breeze, Leela took a fast step into her wood cabin and warmed herself by the fireplace, and opened the curtains to let in the light of the day. As she prepared herself a hot meal, she couldn’t help but be captivated by the beauty of the flames in the fireplace and how the logs burnt in awe. She was thankful for the earthen crockeries that blended in perfectly with the fireplace. She realised that the ease of preparing food with electric appliances came at the cost of lost of all those charms of cooking over an open flame.

Seated on her bouncy cushion, Leela enjoyed her breakfast of hot mushroom soup. The room was filled in a rich aroma of burning incense admixed with that from the very broth. As Leela chomped upon the rather leathery dry mushrooms, she was grateful for all the troubles her mother took to stock her with plentiful dry veggies of all sort. Leela was determined to go vegan for the entire duration of her retreat in the woods. She did not bring any meat or diary items. Leela is cautious of the nutrient demand of her body and ensured all were met from plant sources. Apart from the fermented rice drink her mother advised her to take on cold snowy days, she was free of alcoholic beverages as well, let alone the cigars.

Into the final month of her retreat, Leela was amazed how she made it through with ease and how time just flew by. Each passing day, she would more strictly adhere to her daily routines. She kept journaling through out her stay. She spent few good hours in the evening reading the good collection of books with her. She would take a walk in the woods or else engage in yogas and meditation indoors in cases of hostile weather outside. Power naps in the evening seemed to reenergise her for the remaining hours of the day. She knew her decision to have a music player have been a good idea. In the evening hours, plants in her cabin danced to the rhythm of the cool musics she played. It was a miracle her brother managed to get a durable solar panel for her music player, the last minute.

As she ticked the final days of her retreat in her calendar, she genuinely felt she can undoubtedly do it even if the duration were doubled. She congratulated herself for the sense of contentment she derived from it. She was grateful for how much it changed her holistically. She fast forwarded her life three moons ago, the day she lost hope in life, the day she was too confused of her own survival, the day nothing made sense, the day she felt she did not deserve to live. It was a day she felt she had enough of herself, that she was a burden then of benefit, a day she decided was the final day for her. She recalled how a strange question from within, the question that changed her life. That very day, something from within her questioned her very act “so this is how you want people to remember you as?”. The answer was an instant big “NO”. It was that very moment, the moment she questioned her every act and being. She realised her inner voice was right. She thought about it all, deeply. The very next day, she was fully decided for a need of three months retreat in the wilds, a retreat to harnessing mental toughness and to self discovery. First few days of the stay, she wasn’t sure of what to make of that entire thing. She had problems sleeping, nightmares and was often a times panicky. Amazingly enough, she picked up rather too fast here after. Leela sticked to a healthy routine that with time completely healed her, changed her and detached herself from anything beyond her control.

Leela is a changed person now. She could genuinely feel from within herself. She realised life is about the journey and not of the destination. She now knows how to live her present moment to fullness, she is not attached to her familiar past nor is she worried of the unforeseen future. Tomorrow, Leela’s parents would be coming to get her. She is far too excited to live her new life. She is excited of all the good things she planned to do for humanity, to the best of her capacities. She will be giving back, after all. Leela gave a huge sigh of relief in deepest gratitude to all the super powers who showed her the path forward.

Much regards

Truly

chhimi