As warm as it was as Julie and Meagan watched the October sunrise, Meagan could not feel the warmth. The sky gradually lit up as the gold spread across the horizon.   The pine trees around the lake lit up yellow for a few minutes before greening again. “How glorious!”, Meagan sighed. Julie could not feel the glory of the sunrise, but she smiled and took Meagan’s cold hand, “I will get you some breakfast,” said Julie over her shoulder. “Sure, whatever you say,” replied Meagan half heartedly. 

           This is it, Meagan thought. We start the day together as we have every morning for the past years, but by the end of the day only one of us will be here. How could Julie be so loving and cheerful when she will be leaving me. What will I do without her? I remember the first time I held her in my arms, she thought. That beautiful blond hair was like a halo all mussed up that day, but it looks so much better now hanging long over her shoulders. Those blue eyes that cried when I held her that day, but always truly the windows to her soul. She could not lie about anything because her eyes always told the truth. 

           Julie brought out 2 steamy cups of coffee and beckoned Meagan inside. They sat and Julie ate the breakfast, as Meagan only pushed the food around on the plate. The mood lightened as Julie chatted about everything. She talked about the squirrels and chipmonks who scurried around gathering and eating and chasing each other. Julie gave them names and made up scenarios she imagined about them that sounded like scripts from soap operas.  She remarked about the weather and since the day was warming nicely how she would pin the sheets she had washed outside to dry in the mountain air. They would smell so fresh and feel so cool and crisp to lie on! But Meagan could not think of lying on fresh sheets when she would be wrapped in them all alone. No tomorrows. Meagan’s mood slumped.  She grabbed her heavy, warm sweater and walked outside, past the Volvo they had parked here 2 days ago and down the path to the lake.

           Meagan sat on the Adirondack chair under the giant pine tree that she remembered from her own childhood. It was tiny 60 years ago when her parents first brought her to this lake. She closed her eyes and could see the basket full of blankets where she had lain Julie here just weeks after she was born. That was 30 years ago and the lake, its shore and the trees that towered here had not changed much, but the rest of her life had. She brought Julie here several times a year and they had enjoyed everything about this place no matter what else that was going on in their lives. Meagan’s divorce not long after Julie’s birth had not even made a ripple in their lives for the week that they had spent here. Julie’s broken leg when she was 16 that had kept her from the hockey playoffs was not even a thought while they were here. But now, this diagnosis had disrupted Meagan’s life and she could not get her head straight even here at this oasis of peace.

           The cool breeze and warm sun lulled Meagan to sleep. She dreamed the old dreams that she used to see when she came to the lake in happier times. She saw herself on a giant leaf floating on the water and the water on the lake was like glass. The leaf floated along the edge of the lake and she could see the pine trees above her and birds and she had not a care in the world, but this time the leaf got snagged on a branch in the water. She frowned in her sleep. No, she just wanted to float around and let the sun warm her face. And then it was better. She climbed off the leaf and sat on the warm sand. She saw Julie come toward her on her crutches as she had at 16, then she saw Julie drop one crutch at a time and dance. Soon she was dancing with Julie and they hugged and spun around. 

           Meagan woke and was so happy and refreshed. The message she got was that her job was done. Julie was 30 now and she was a strong, smart young woman and she could face this hurdle with grace and they could face what was to come together. Meagan almost ran back to the cottage. She had found her strength and resolve, no not resolve. She had found joy for life again, peace of mind. Julie had made up the couch with pillows and fresh sheets and comforters. Meagan ran in and hugged her daughter and told her how sorry she was for being so obstinate and they could face this together. They cried and hugged and cried more. 

           “I was afraid to do this alone, but we are never alone I know,” Meagan confessed to Julie, but Julie admitted the same. “Mom, I was getting so worried that it was too selfish of me to leave you alone.” They agreed that they would always be together even if it was not in person, just in spirit. It was afternoon now. They shared tea and fruit and cheese and there was that one small plate that was piled with pills. Doctors are very generous with pain medications when the diagnosis is cancer and the more you complain, the more some will give. It had been easy to save up a deadly amount.

           Julie reminded Meagan,”Don’t touch that plate without the gloves, it has been washed and there are no fingerprints on it. Insurance will not pay out if there is any thought that death is not accidental.” They drank tea and prepared the wine one decanter had morphine. Meagan ran to the bathroom to throw up. Julie consoled her,” Mom don’t stay if you can’t see this. I can do it alone. It won’t be long and you don’t need to clean anything up, please go if you need to.” Meagan knelt on the floor beside the sofa where Julie was lying on the comforters. “ How could I not be with you? I would be sitting beside your hospital bed in a few months holding your hand and I can imagine all the pain you would have been through by then. I brought you into this world and I will be with you as you leave. I love you.”  They started applying the fentanyl and nicotine patches even though Julie already appeared to be sleepy. They probably would not need the pills that Julie had saved up. Meagan put the latex gloves on and picked up the syringe that Julie had prepared. She knew it was fentanyl and she did not even get to remove the needle before Julie was no longer conscious.  Meagan sat with Julie for quite some time. She wrapped in the afghan and went out onto the deck.

           The saucer of pills and the wine laced with morphine were on the picnic table beside Meagan here in the dark.   There was no light other than the crescent moon that reflected off the lake as if it were a silver sliver. No wind, no cold, just stars twinkling on the water.  What a beautiful way to end a day, what a beautiful way to end a life. What she had never told Julie was that she had just been diagnosed with cancer also. Meagan started taking the pills that Julie had never used and washed them down with Julie’s decanter of wine.