What If?

"Knock knock"

I decelerated when I heard the sound of a car slowing down nearby me and knocking on the car window. It was a pewter-colored car with lots of dust on it. The road was narrow. I was on a hill with myriad deep-rooted willows beside me. There was a loose, rosewood skirt on me, and my legs were revealing as I wandered. I tried to pull my skirt down to hide my legs, place my bag in front of me to hide my boobs. I squeezed the keys in my left hand to protect myself; no wonder they will work. I tried to walk briskly again without concentrating on the car. He knocked on its window again.

"Knock knock"

I pondered about whether I should look at him or not. No, it can be an indication of an invitation. You are going to make it, girl. You've been watching self-defense videos. Remember, try to target the center of his body where he suffers the most. You got this, don't stare at him. Look at the pavement. Think about something pretty. Oh, my lovely skirt. No, don't think about it. You can't look spry. Keep your mien rigid. It's not peculiar that someone is catcalling you. 

"Knock knock" 

I tightened my fingers around the keys even more that it feels like they don't hurt me anymore. I was in agony. Remember, look confident. You don't want to end up like most of the girls. It is your fight. Keep your chin up. Don't even tilt your head down. 

But what if he thinks he doesn't bother me? That I like his attention. What if it backlashes? No, remember girl, don't let them sense your fear. 

But what if he stops his car? Why did I choose an obscure road? No, it wasn't a mistake. I should have the freedom to walk wherever I want. Should I haul off? Call the police. No, they won't help. I tried to open my backpack to reach my phone. But what if he grabs my phone? What if I can't kick him?

"Knock knock"

The knocking on the window is more aggressive and eerie now. I rue not listening to my mum. I shouldn't have worn this. What if he rapes me? Would people say that I shouldn't have worn this skirt? Would he be found guilty or not? No, it was a huge mistake. I should have listened to my mum's tirade. She knows better than me. Why didn't I listen to her? Because I thought this wouldn't happen. I thought I wouldn't be one of these poor girls. Should I call my mom? Will she know what to do better than me once more? I need her so badly. What about the length of this skirt? Would people find me guilty for the length of my skirt?

Will mom and dad be sad? No, dad would find me guilty as always, even though I did nothing. I just wanted to look pretty, that's all. I started gnawing on my fingers. 

"Knock knock"

Should I look at him? What if he finds the courage and stops? Remember, don't look them in the eyes even though you want to cut them in parts with a simple glance. Refrain yourself. You are strong enough. Do I have my tear gas with me? No, they took it when I was in the airport just in case I wouldn't hurt anybody. But what if they would hurt me? Is this better? I should have bought a new one. Remember your friend, she used it against a catcaller, and he ran away. It was her triumph. I wish I had had tear gas. What if he has a knife? I should be vigilant. What if he'll rape me then cut me into pieces like I want to cut him. Am I trembling? No, no, no, I shouldn't let my fear conquer my brain. Think, girl, think. I looked forward to see if any people are around me, and what a coincidence, there was not. I pulled my skirt down grudgingly. I can hear my heart beating like I'm running. I feel like I'm going to faint. No, if you faint, he will kidnap you easier. What if he wants to ask for directions? No, he precisely wants to maul me. Be a wild girl. Remember to be a wild girl.

Should I scream? It's been 2 minutes, and he's still following me. I feel like time is not elapsing. A guy is coming towards me, what I relief. Should I stop him and tell him that I'm afraid? Will he help? I looked at him. He was looking at the car. Did he notice the tension? What if he is one of the kidnappers? What if he is going to catch me? My feelings of ambivalence made my discernment go away.

"Look at those legs. I bet you can flex them and scream amazing."

He smirks and looks down at my body. My eyes are blurred, I feel dizzy. Don't even think about faltering. His eyes... I will never forget his eyes. Why am I a girl? I don't want to be a girl. Am I going to blackout? He is now nearby me. I can smell the alcohol coming from him.

"You girls always want attention. Are you that desperate? Look at those eyes. Are you that startled?"

He passed me as he continues to humiliate me. He saw my fear. Now, I can't tighten my fingers anymore because there is sweat all over my hands. The car is still behind me. Remember, run.

I started running. What if my skirt will open so that he can see my underwear? Don't think about it now, run girl. Run faster than you ever did.

As I ran faster without averting my skirt to open, he drove his car quicker too. He started to honk. Remember, always find something that will protect you. What should I find? Do I have something massive? Rock. Rock would be good if I find some. As I run quicker and quicker, I began to look for a giant rock. I saw one behind a willow. Now, the rock was my assurance. I hold it and started to yell. I found the courage to look at the car as I yell "Go away before I hit you!".

He stops.

What am I going to do?

What if he has a gun?

Am I fainting?

He opens the door wrathfully. There wasn't an ounce of hesitation.

I returned to stump where I took my rock. 

It's a pretty kettle of fish to see him because of the tears in my eyes.

"Are you crazy!? Didn't you recognize me?"

I tried to regain consciousness. Do I recognize him? Wasn't he attempting to kidnap me? What if that's a trick to come near me and touch me?

"Stay right there, or I will kill you with this rock!" I said as I try to stop my trembling. I knew that I was feeble, and it made it more difficult to maintain the position. 

"Have I changed that much? I'm Ted from high school. We were in the same chemistry class."

What? Wasn't he trying to rape me?

"My window is broken. I couldn't open it. As we are in the middle of a hill and my car is useless, I didn't want to stop. Why are you scared of me? Can you lower down the rock, please? Are you crying?"

I collapsed and started sobbing. Did I do something sinful that God decided to punish me with this? I can't believe my subconscious mind has been filled with that much dread for men. Ted came to soothe me and tried to take the keys from my left hand and the rock from my right hand. Both of my hands were covered in blood and dirt. Now he can see my underwear because my skirt opened.

"Why are you crying? Did somebody bother you? How can I help?"

No, Ted, you can't help us, all and sundry know this fact. But thank you for being kind. What if you were like the other guys?

"By the way, isn't that skirt a little bit short?"

I fainted.