WHY CAN'T I FIGURE IT OUT?!

You know the saying, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Well, I’ve sat here for hours, staring at my spell book, desperately trying to figure out where I keep messing up. I’ve said everything correctly. I have the right materials, I have the book. I’m even wearing the right clothes, because apparently this spell works better wearing linen than cotton! I promise you, I’m doing it correctly.

So, why is it not working?

What could I possibly be doing wrong?

I’ve tried hundreds of times. How many times will I need to ‘try again’ before I get it right?

I sit back in my chair and rub my eyes. I stare at the ceiling trying to think of something, anything, that could help me find the answer. I get nothing. I can’t even ask anyone for help. No one understands this spell, and getting in contact with someone who does would take months.

I sigh and put the spell book away. I don’t have to figure out this spell. Dozens of other wizards have already done that. The world wouldn’t be at a loss if I couldn’t solve it. But inside my heart I knew early tomorrow I would open the book again, because I can’t stop trying.

One of my friends came over this morning. I hadn’t gotten out of bed yet, despite it being around lunch time. I opened the door with my hair a mess and my clothes not suitable for someone of my stature.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Perfectly fine.” I said, turning on the pot to make some tea.

She nodded at me, still staring at my ratty hair and hole-y pajamas. “Right.” She sat down on my couch, “Is it the spell?” She asked cautiously.

I nodded and offered her a cup of tea. She shook her head no.

“Is it anything I could help with?”

“No.” I said, “It’s a master’s spell. I don’t know if you’d even be able to read it.”

She shrugged, “Well, I just stopped by to see how you’re doing.”

“Good.” I said.

She rolled her eyes, “I can see that. Just try not to tire yourself out too much, okay?”

I nodded and gave her what I thought was a reassuring smile. She just sighed and left.

After she left I immediately went to my bookshelf and pulled off the spell book. A little bit of something pricked my heart. I ignored it and tried the spell again.

It’s been a month since I’ve last opened that cursed spell book. I mean, it’s not actually cursed. I’ve just spent too long on this spell. Too many wasted hours trying to figure out its secrets. I only look at it every few days or so. I don’t obsess over it quite as much, but every time I look at my book shelf and see it I feel this pull in my gut, this feeling in my soul to try again.

I’m tired of trying and failing. I’m exhausted with the only results of the spell being failure and disappointment. Any attempts that I’ve done have been half-hearted. As I start the spell, I remember all the times I’ve done this. All the failure. All the times the answer never came.

Every time I fail, I tell myself that’s it. No more.

Only to try again. And again. And again.

I’m disappointed in myself. I hate myself and my cowardice for giving up. That’s why I can’t stop. I have to keep trying. For myself. Could I even call myself a wizard if I gave up?

My friend stopped by today again. She’s the only one I’ve been able to keep in contact through the months of working through this spell. She came in, but we didn’t talk. All I could think about was that blasted spell.

I was happy she was here, but at the same time annoyed. I could be working on the spell, instead of sitting with her. She left after she finished her tea.

I felt even more angry and disappointed at myself. Here I was treating, basically, the only friend I seemed to have left like dirt. All because of some silly spell.

That night I told myself I wouldn’t look at the spell book again. I would stop. I would finally say no more! That didn’t happen.

YES! Five long horrible years later, and I finished it. I have the answer. I found the problem. The weird detail that I kept missing. After reading the stupid wording and overcoming my dumb preconceptions, I finished it.

It was a long hard fight, but it’s finished. I’m done. I’m happy.

I’m glad I didn’t stop. I’m glad I kept going. I tried again. Thousands of times.

Now that it’s all said and done, and now that the celebratory dopamine has worn off, I thought back to when I first started this spell. How at first it was fun and exciting trying to figure it all out, then as the months started to roll by and I still hadn’t figured it out I became so disappointed, in myself, in the people I made friends with (none of whom could help me). I wished that I could give up. I wanted to give up, because everything about it started to drive me insane.

I remember not eating or talking to anyone. I started to hate everything about wizardry and the fascinating magic that came with it. I’m writing this for those who have just started in wizardry and magic or for those who are well-versed and experienced. Don’t give up. Don’t quit; it’s hard and it’s exhausting.

I understand how it feels to stare at a page over and over, only for nothing to change and to only have exhaustion and disappointment meet you. The only regret I have is with my friends. I shoved them away, thinking they couldn’t help me. Maybe they couldn’t help me in the technicalities of the spell, but that doesn’t mean they were useless.

Later, when I had finally come out of hiding, they greeted me happily and excitedly, curious as to what I had been doing in my house for months on end. I told them. They didn’t understand, but they were supportive. Keep pushing and you’ll be glad you never quit, but don’t forget your friends, your support system, because they won’t quit on you.

*For this competition, I picked a random prompt and wrote for an hour. The only editing I did was some grammatical changes and a few tweaks here and there to make it readable. Hope y'all enjoyed it!*