Not Wanted

Marilee's first memory was that of her nanny, Leah, picking her up and embracing her with all the love she could muster up. Leah had told her then that her parents would rather be the ones holding her but that they were too busy with work so Leah was the luckiest gal in the whole wide world to get to spend time with Marilee. She was constantly reassured that Leah was here because she wanted to be, not because of the money, though even as a young child, Mari knew that if Leah wasn't getting paid she would not care for her for free.

Marilee's first memory of her parents was shortly after that morning, age 5, when she was begging them via telephone to come home and come to Parent's night at her elementary school, which they politely declined, leaving her nanny to play mother and father. Mari decided not to go then and went to bed that night at 6 p.m., crying herself to sleep, promising herself that she would never be absent from her own child's school activities.

Now that time had passed on, some days as quick as the mice that run up the grandfather clocks, others slow and agonizing as if she were in a battle and would never win, she still did not see her parents but one weekend out of the month. Sure, there were Facetimes, Zoom calls, never-ending gifts circulating through the postal service, but it just wasn't the same as having them with her in person. Her heart longed for the missed opportunities, her body tingled with the jealousy of her peers who would complain about their own parents being around too much and wish they were in Marilee's shoes.

Leah had known all too well what was going on in Mari's head throughout the 17 years she had mothered and fathered her, her own heart breaking with the sheer loneliness one feels when the people who bring them into this world did not have time for them. She found herself constantly defending their actions and assuring her charge that she would understand as she grew.

But Marilee did not understand and refused to even try. Sure her parents were famous, powerful and wealthy, and she didn't ever have to ask for objects or material possessions, but the constant yearning for their time and presence made even the latest iPhone seem like a farce. Beginning in acting, then taking over her grandfather's production company, they were consistently out of the state, flying back and forth from New York and California, never seeming to have a free moment to stop in Ohio, where Marilee was sure she was abandoned shortly after birth.

All her free time was dedicated to art, she loved to draw her emotions and interact with them. Her pencil and sketchbook became her very best friends and she had won many school related contests with her intricate monsters, entities and beings titled after holidays spent with her nanny, emotions she could not express otherwise, and the seething anger that ran through her veins like blood when she realized she could not share physical contact with her own mom and dad.

Her parents did not enjoy her artwork, calling it disturbing and dark, encouraging Leah to begin Mari in therapy, which in turn made her feel even more alienated and alone. Leah had not enforced therapy over her artwork, instead insisting she needed to go and talk about her abandonment feelings from her parents. The psychiatrist had tried to put her on medications for depression, anxiety, and ADHD and each time these chemicals seemed to make things worse not better. Mari knew that there was only one thing wrong with her and it was not the fact that she enjoyed to sketch over red carpets and movie openings.

"Mari, my love," her mother said, wrapping her in a hug that felt foreign enough to win it's own Oscar, "so good to be home and with you." Her parents had flown in to surprise her, and they sure had.

"Marilee, come here and give your dad a kiss on the cheek," her father boomed in his deep voice, then winked at her.

"What do I owe this pleasure?" Mari responded as she walked towards him in the living room.

"We have a surprise for you!" Her mother chuckled excitedly, "you know how we've been telling you that all our hard work has been for your future? Well, it's time for you to come back with us and begin working at the production company, we want you to take over in about 10 years!"

Marilee knew how to act, not through genetics but through many years of disappointment, and that moment she acted as if her insides were not just lit on fire, and the ground was not falling away from her. She glanced over to Leah, who was standing in the doorway through the kitchen drying a dish. Leah turned and walked away.

"What about Leah?" she asked.

"Leah has been with us for almost 20 years, she surely wants to retire while she still can get around," her father said, "We have already spoken with her about this."

Not knowing how to respond, feeling as if she may pass out, Marilee sat down on a chair, trying to collect her thoughts.

"Why wouldn't you have spoken to me about this first?" she asked.

"Now, baby girl, I was so sure you'd be excited about this," her mother sat down next to her.

"We need you take over for us, Marilee, we wont be young and spiffy forever," her dad attempted a smile, and joined them on the couch. "You are our only child, and we have no one else to take over the production company when we are no longer able to."

"It will give you all the money you will ever need," her mother chimed in. "It's very important to us that you come and learn, you will be compensated generously for your time. Plus you will get to meet Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston this week!"

Swallowing though her mouth and throat were dry, Mari knew it was now or never.

"No, mom. No, dad. I will not come with you now that you are ready for me to. I should have been with you this whole time," she stood up and walked a circle around them, "I will not abandon Leah here in Ohio, when she has been the only one not to leave me."

"We will depart and leave Leah with more money than she can spend, you need not worry about her, silly girl," her mother chimed in.

"We are your family, young lady, and you will come with us and you will be a part of the family's company, you are my daughter and you will do as we say," her father demanded.

"I may have to come with you right now, father, but I will not stay. I will run as far as I can and I am going to art school instead of getting into your business, your business has ruined my life," Marilee cried, tears streaming down her face. "You have never been here for me, why should I expect you to hear me now?"

Leah had returned and stood in the corner of the room, her arms widening to hold Mari, even as her own parents saw her in pain and had no inclination to do.

"She's so talented, your daughter, and she does not need me to take care of her, she has taught herself to take care of herself, but I will not stand idly by and allow you to force her to do something she does not want to do," Leah said, kissing Marilee on the forehead, urging her to speak her truth.

"Mom, dad, I can't be a part of something that left me feeling so ugly and unwanted my entire life, I wont. Perhaps if there's still time, you can go adopt a child and actually spend time with them so they don't have to intern and meet your coworkers 17 years later, maybe you wont leave them alone and wanting, maybe then they will do as you want," she sniffled, turned her back and ran upstairs, locking her bedroom door behind her.