" My sky high hope"

The brightness of the dazzling sunlight on this warm and cozy day causes my mind to drift back to the days of old with the smell of bluebonnets flowers in the air, as a light dizzy of rain beat softly against my window pane. It causes me to lone for the day when I could return to my castle of hope. As a twelve -year- old. I was a very quiet and introverted child. There were a few that even called me a proper child and one with an old soul. I felt more comfortable in the company of older people. It was the young people my age that scared me and I never knew what to think or feel about them because I had heard some say mean and cruel things behind my back leading to my feeling rejection in one thing or another were my peers where concerned. Some would even call me a loner and say I was too quite. All while was dying to be noticed and silently screaming on the inside but no sound would come out. You see, I never dared to talk. I grew up in a strict religious home where any form of promotion of individuality was discouraged. There was not much we could do. There was more no than yes. I struggle to find a balance between the two at an early age due to my father being a strict discipline. There was more fear than love in the house. When I couldn't find peace at home. I found it in Church. It was were I felled in love with God at an early age. I was able to form my own opinion about God. As I look back on that day spent in the treehouse. I realize that my father meant no harm. He was just modeling what he had been taught. I realized he was human after all and he could only give me what he had been given and he had no ill will towards me, he just lacked the necessary tools needed to parent. Even then it took years for me to learn to forgive him. It was years before I stopped having nightmares and dreams of killing him. It was God's saving grace that brought me through all of it. Being a pastor's kid was not easy.It seemed like we went to church from sun up to sundown, but I look back with a grateful heart because it was all bad. It also worked a good character in me. It is something I could be proud of today. I was always on display and nobody thought to give me a twelve- year- old space to grow. So, from an early age. my childhood was filled with many challenges all coming from my lack of trust I could not find in the adults around me and having even less in myself, which lead to a lot of confusion and a ton of questions within myself. One question was why had God create me? I know I must have a purpose? So, my castle became my saving grace in a way and it would later help me believe in myself and forge the relationships I needed to love myself and people. In my castle, in the sky, I went from being a frightened child to one that could feel the warmth of the sunlight and appreciate its warmth. It was made out of all the dreams of my twelve- year- old self dared to image. It was there that dreams were eternal and infinite in power created by the innocence and the sheer will of my mind. I was determined not to be controlled at least for those cherished hours of freedom. Hope castle was impenetrable nothing could keep it from not being called my sole refugee, my place of grace. It was created in my mind filled with wonderment and powers of God's love that was able to transport me anywhere in time as long as I could dream it. In that treehouse, I didn't need anyone's permission to be myself and I was free to think what I wanted too. It was here I found that I was the sole owner of me, and nobody could change my thoughts or tell me they were wrong. In my hope in the sky, I hid my most prized possessions such as my set of jacks hoping one day to be a professional jack player as if there was such a profession. I can look back and laugh as I think back now. My Nancy Drew and the Bobbsey twins mysteries help get me through some tough times as well. It was everything a home should be filled with the love of two parents, acceptance, tolerance, protection, and most of all encouragement by which all things are capable of growing and succeeding if given the food source of knowledge of self- love and the wisdom to apply it. I can remember my castle in the sky filled with everything that I deemed was important to a twelve- year- old. My hope castle housed every hope of all my childhood dreams a child can dream from doctor to lawyer. It might have seemed unimportant to others, but to me, it was my necessary food and fueled my whole world. The wood of the treehouse was made out of cider wood washed in red paint to represent the blood of Christ and it gave me protection from the wind and rain as well as the dislikes and judgmental comments of others. It was there that this child found acceptance and likability for herself as well as love. It was there I discovered I could be myself and I was accepted by the everything from my favorite dolls, to the warm crisp breeze that crested the branches as the wind whispered through my window in my hope castle. My dreams could take flight and not be hindered therein anyway. I could truly be myself and dream. It proved that dreams could have a longer life simply because they had escaped my pillow in my bedroom. In my castle, my dreams knew no bounds and I was free to give a voice and names to them one by one. As I drifted back to my present I only had one regret and it is I too had forgotten how to dream and no dream has an expiration date unless you quite believing and hoping in it. It is then I realized that as long as I can dream and see it. It is possible.