Lies

Lies

It was the best day of our lives. Finally, the four of us, Hyo, Nari, Bora, and me, Moon, were going to debut as a Kpop group. We were hugging and laughing and crying. After four years of being a trainee, surviving through the high-pressure evaluations, it was finally happening. I hadn’t expected it to happen at all. Our manager kept telling us we were the worst trainees in the company, that we had to improve a lot, that our visuals weren’t up to Korean beauty standards. But somehow we made it. I don't know why they selected me despite other prettier and more talented trainees. But they had. I was debuting, I really was.

“Don’t be too excited,” interrupted Manager Kwon. There's a long road ahead for you to become a successful group.”

“Yes, Mr. Kwon,” we all said respectfully and parted. Suddenly, I noticed something about our manager and the judges that judged our performance.  None of them smiled or gave one “Congratulations”. They were simply looking down and packing up their notes. Manager Kwon was frowning, standing with his arms crossed. My fellow members didn’t seem to notice anything, as they were all still in disbelief and joy from the news. I pushed the thought of the judges’ and manager’s behavior out of my mind.

“Alright, just one more thing before we take out the contracts,” said Manager Kwon. He took out a small plastic bag from his pocket. “You’ll have to take these.”

Inside, there were four blue pills.

“What are those for?” I asked tentatively.

“Are you questioning my authority?” Kwon yelled, his face flushing red. I realized my mistake. Hadn’t I learned not to question what the company told us to do? From diets to harsh schedules, trainees were used to doing whatever was told.

“Sorry, sir,” I apologized. Kwon sniffed in approval.

“Get the cups,” he ordered the judges. Styrofoam cups were filled with water by the judges and distributed to each of us.

“Line up,” shouted Kwon, and we did. He gave a pill to each of us and watched as we swallowed them. I put the pill in my mouth and swallowed a gulp of water, keeping the pill in my mouth. He instructed each of us to open our mouths to check that we swallowed it, so I put the pill under my tongue. When he told me to lift my tongue, I expertly maneuvered the pill above my tongue and lifted it–I chew gum in school.

“Ok,” Kwon said. I realized I had been holding my breath and let it out. I passed the inspection. I hesitated to take the pill due to uncertainty about its purpose, as the judges’ and manager’s behavior made me suspicious of their intentions.

Thunk.

Bora fell to the floor! Hyo, Nari, and I rushed to her side.

“Bora!”

“Bora, Bora! Are you okay?”

“Bora, please wake up!”

Bora was the youngest and smallest of us–only 13. The manager and judges showed no surprise. Kwon’s face was dead straight. The judges were biting their lips and nails, and one was covering her ears.

“What did you do to her!?” I screamed at them. It must be the pill she took!

It wasn’t long before Hyo collapsed with her.

“Hyo!? Not you too!”

It was just me and Nari left. We were shaking and yelling at our two unconscious members, but they wouldn’t wake up. The judges and Kwon still stood there, just watching.

I recognized the pattern. The pill was making them fall. Realizing there was nothing I could do to save my members, I quickly pretended to faint. It was logical for Nari, the 20-year-old unnie, to be the last to fall. The pill remained in my left cheek as I hit the floor, but I avoided choking on it.

“Moon!” screamed Nari. It was only her now. I felt bad–if only she knew I was faking!

Thud.

That was Nari. My heart beat in fear, but also in anticipation of what was going to happen next. 

“Ne,” said manager Kwon. I heard the rustle of clothes and the beep of the walkie-talkie. “Take them away.”

In seconds, I heard the door burst open, and the shuffling of steps. It sounded like there were many people, but I couldn't see. I also heard the roll of wheels on the practice room floor. Wheels? Why are there wheels?

I felt someone lift me up and put me on some sort of squishy mattress. It must be a rollable bed. The beds were swiftly rolled away as we were escorted through the hallway. 

Beep.

An elevator? I seemed to be rolled into one, as I felt the temperature suddenly become colder. I felt us going down. Down? But I thought I was on the first floor! Going down suggests a concealed basement beneath the company. I never knew one existed.

The space beyond the elevator was colder than before. Another bed received me; this time, it didn’t move. I heard the sound of more rolling and lifting, followed by the sharp clang of the door closing shut.

Silence.

I didn’t dare move an inch. Knowing the company, they would have cameras monitoring us, just like how they did in all our practice rooms and the cafeteria.

I lay there motionless until I heard a ruffle. A ruffle, and then a moan. I squinted to avoid appearing awake, and the bright lights shocked me. I surveyed the room: all white, no windows, one door, and four beds along one wall. Two black cameras on either side of the room contrasted with the plain white walls. I was on the left bed while the others were unconscious on the other three. The sound came from the far-right bed. It was Nari.

My eyes fully open now, I pretended to wake up, moaning, imitating the way Nari did it.

“H…Hello? She clutched the back of her head in pain. 

“... Where are we?” I said, playing ignorant.

“I don’t know… Who are you?” Nari inquired.

This question startled me. What did she mean, “Who are you”? But then, the pill, I recalled. It must have done something to her memory. A flash of hurt went through my chest, but I ignored it, knowing I had to pretend like I knew nothing.

“Who are you?” I repeated back, this time directed at her.

“I’m…” Nari trailed off in thought. “I’m-” She was struggling. “My head hurts,” was all she said, shutting her eyes.

“Yeah, mine too,” I responded, quickly putting my hand to the back of my head like Nari. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t even remember anything about herself!

“Do you remember your name?” She looked at me again.

“Ahh… Uh…” It was Moon, of course, but I couldn’t just say that. “No.”

“Do you know any of these girls?” Nari looked at Bora and Hyo between us.

“Sorry, no,” I said, shaking my head slightly.

“Oh. Me neither.”

Awkward silence, then more ruffling. It was Hyo. Her eyes blinked open, and then an immediate pained expression hit her face. “Ow,” she muttered, holding the back of her head like me and Nari. Soon after, Bora followed, waking up with the back of her head obviously hurting. Hyo sat up and looked around, then Bora did the same.

“Where am I?”

“Who are you?”

Familiar questions from Nari.

“I don’t know where we are,” I answered, “and I’m guessing none of us knows who we are.” I looked around for confirmation.

“Yeah,” said Hyo. Bora nodded her head a little, but it seemed to hurt her too much, so she stopped.

There was more awkward silence. Nari, Bora, and Hyo seemed to be trying to take in their surroundings.

As the lock clicked and the door opened, we all turned our heads towards it. Manager Kwon walked through.

“Hello, my name is Dr. Park,” he introduced himself. Liar. He wasn't a doctor named Park, and I knew it well.

“Annyeonghaseyo, Dr. Park,” we all said together by reflex. At least they remembered how to say “hello”.

“I am your doctor,” he told us. “You have all unfortunately gotten into a serious car accident and fallen into comas. I’m afraid you have a serious case of amnesia.”

A car accident? Amnesia? Why was he lying to us? I watched the astonishment on my members’ faces. I imitated their surprise and made the same facial expression. 

“That explains why we can’t remember anything,” Nari said.

“Yes, indeed,” nodded our new Dr. Park, taking out a clipboard and pen. “Now, could you explain any aftereffects you’re feeling right now? Any pain? Any flashbacks?”

“The back of my head is hurting,” I lied.

“And this applies to all of us,” added Nari.

Kwon nodded, scribbling it down. “Anything else? Any remaining memories?”

Silence.

“Alright then, perfect!” This news seemed to make him happy. “If you’ll all follow me.”

I slipped out of bed first. - The others were slower in doing so.

Our “doctor” walked out into the hall and we followed. The hall and its doors were the same dead white color as the room. He led us into one room, which contained a large screen and four foldable chairs facing it.

“Please take a seat,” he instructed, and we did. My heart was beating fast. I was still processing what had just happened to my members–they had lost all their memory, and now we are in the company's basement? What are Manager Kwon's intentions towards us, and why?

Manager Kwon clicked around on his computer, then a PowerPoint presentation showed up on the enormous screen. The title read, “Personality Training.” What was this supposed to be? I knew the company had given us media training, so we knew how to use facial expressions and act correctly during interviews and other appearances on camera, but this…this is another level.

“This is our new method for amnesia recovery,” he informed us. “We’ve collected information about your personalities based on reports from friends and family members, and we have crafted a general idea about what each of you is like. I will present the information to you, hoping that it triggers some memories once you regain a sense of self.”

So this is what “personality training” is. Apparently, media training and acting classes didn’t suffice, but I didn’t know they would go to such extremes. When did they not go to such extremes? Plastic surgery, overtraining, little sleep, and terrible diets are already things normalized in K-pop that every other entertainment industry would consider extreme. What’s stopping them from going further?

Manager Kwon flipped to the next slide. It had a picture of Bora, and some words describing her personality and family–but instead of her real name, Bora, it read Jae. So, they were going to teach our stage names as our real names. They really wanted us to be the idol versions of ourselves, instead of just acting it. It horrified me. They were trying to change my entire identity as a person, just so I could act like they want me to in front of the camera? This is cruel.

Kwon cycled through all four of us, describing our stage names and idol personalities: Bora, now Jae, is the energetic maknae; Hyo, now Ari, is the main vocalist with a sweet personality; Nari, now Binna, is the unnie of the group and the rapper; and me, now Eun, is the main dancer of the group with a bubbly personality. Our true identities were not reflected in his portrayal of us, but he obviously wanted us to believe that is who we are.

After finishing, he averted his gaze from the screen. “Do any of you begin to feel some sort of identity? Are you starting to recognize your name as your own?”

No one spoke, except for when Hyo raised her hand.

“Yes, Hy- I mean, ah, Ari?”

Hyo didn’t seem to notice his mistake. “I still have a terrible headache. Can you do anything about it?”

Kwon’s mouth fell to a straight line. The presentation didn’t seem to have any huge effects on us. “Yes, we’ll get you treated immediately. Please follow me back to your room.”

Upon returning to our room, Kwon left to get medication. My fellow members were sitting on their beds, holding their heads tenderly. But I wasn’t. I was pushing my bed against the door, preventing it from opening up again.

“Eun, what are you doing!? Doesn’t Dr. Park need to come back with the medication?” Nari said, standing up. Hyo and Bora looked at me with confused expressions but seemed too much in pain to react too much. I ignored Nari, stripping the mattress cover off its mattress, ripping apart the cheap fabric, and tying them over the two cameras in the room.

“Listen,” I turned to them and began talking. “My name is not Eun. My name is Moon. Dr. Park isn’t a doctor; his real name is Manager Kwon. And he lied to you about your names. You are Nari, you are Hyo, and you are Bora.” I pointed to each of them.

I paused for a second. I began to see something in their faces. It was realization.

“I-I remember now!” exclaimed Bora. I smiled. Telling them their real names seemed to connect them with their memories! “We were going to debut as a girl group, but then…”

“The pill!” Hyo’s eyes widened. “It was after taking the pill when I felt faint and blacked out.”

I nodded.

Nari, listening to this, interrupted, “Wait… Moon, how are you remembering all this? Didn’t you take a pill too?”

“I didn’t.” I spat the pill on the floor. My members gasped.

“But now, we have to find a way to-”

Bang bang bang.

“Girls!? What are you doing in there!? Open up!” Shoot. Manager Kwon.

Bang bang bang.

We were all frozen in fear. We had to escape, but Kwon was blocking the only exit.

“Guys,” I said in a quiet voice so he wouldn’t hear, “We have to get out of here, but to do that, we have to pass Kwon. We need to run out as fast as possible, get his keys, and trap him inside.”

“But…What about our headaches?” Bora asked. Oh no. I guess even after their memory came back, their heads were still hurting.

“Just… run to the elevator and press the button, ok? I’ll do the rest.” I was scared to take the responsibility of keeping Kwon away from us on my own, but I had to.

“Ok,” said Nari. Hyo and Bora agreed.

We worked together to dislodge the bed from the door, and as soon as we did, it flung open. In a bolt, my fellow members ran, as fast as they could with pain, past Kwon towards the direction of the elevator.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going!?” Kwon shouted at them. Before he could chase after them, I ripped the keys he was holding from his hand, kicking him into the room and catching him off-guard. I shut the door closed, putting all my body weight against it as I shuffled through the ring of keys, trying them one by one as Kwon kicked and banged against it.

More and more keys, but they wouldn’t work!

“Come on, Moon!” whimpered Bora. She was losing her strength.

“I’m trying!” I yelped.

Click.

It worked! I found the right key! My members relaxed. Kwon was still uselessly kicking and banging.

“Let’s go!” I beckoned. We ran to the elevator and pressed the button. The elevator took forever to open, and once it did, we all clamored into it. It ascended and opened to the first floor, the familiar floor full of practice rooms.

None of us had to hesitate to know what we were doing next. We ran past rooms, trainees, the lobby, right out the company door.

Some girls in this world will change their entire selves, to sacrifice their own health, bodies, and identities for an industry and its standards that are impossible to live up to. But not me. Not Bora. Not Hyo. Not Nari. We hadn’t noticed we were caught in a trap of lies and deceit until it was too late. But now we know, and we will never fall into it again.