H’art of the deal

“H’art of the deal”

DANTE’S FURNACE-FINAL NOTICE TO APPEAR

TO: Mr. Thomas Torrence Talisman Esq.

FROM: Saint Peter Esq., Office of Admissions, Pearly Gates box 1, Heaven Inc.

Dear Sir, it has come to my attention that you have chosen to challenge the courts decision pertaining to your recent application for eternal residency. Whereas your application was submitted and reviewed immediately upon your death, it was determined that you failed to meet our minimum admissions requirements as per the judgement day act. I refer you to the applicable precedence, [ see Heaven vs Noah ; 2348(B.C) ] and the subsequently upheld court challenge [ see Heaven vs Jesus haytch Christ ; year 1(C.E)].

Therefore this office denies your “appeal” and considers this matter closed. On behalf of all the residents here at Shangri-la we offer our sincerest condolences and wish you Godspeed on your future endeavours during your forthcoming eternal torment and damnation.

TO: Saint Peter Esq,. Office of Admissions, Pearly Gates box 1, Heaven Inc.

FROM: Mr. Thomas Torrence Talisman Esq.

Dear Saint Peter, Thank-you for your prompt response and kind words of encouragement from your guests. Unfortunately at this time I will need to reject your findings and continue to challenge this decision forthwith.

Whereas the aforementioned ‘Judgement Day Act of Mt. Sanai’ has itself been challenged, and Moses of Galileee remains under peer review to this day. Specifically the article in question ‘The Ten Commandments’ having been published on stone tablets instead of the approved standard papyrus scroll and not bearing any signatures of author or witnesses should be nullified. Additionally, the so named ‘10 commandments’ article in question has widely been interpreted as an ‘emergency war measures act’ order that was only intended for limited wartime use. Today it is largely deemed antiquated, irrelevant and dumb.

Today the ‘Golden Rule’ has largely been accepted and adopted as a much more appropriate, and meaningful guidance for the common era. To wit I have abided without fail. So there.

Furthermore, let the record show that your inappropriate use of quotation marks to refer to my “appeal” is both insulting, demeaning, and a blatant breach of decorum. I will require a formal apology be entered into record before continuing with these proceedings.

TO: Mr Thomas Torrence Talisman Esq.

FROM: Saint Peter Esq., Office of Admissions, Pearly Gates box 1, Heaven Inc.

Dear Sir, Thank-you for your recent correspondence pertaining to relevant law, to which I say “poppycock!” As for my use of quotation marks, surely you gest? While I can appreciate your desperation, and your status as a mere mortal may have clouded your judgement here, but I assure you they were used appropriately. The fact that this Holy court does not recognize any formal “appeal” process renders the argument moot. Furthermore, any so called “Lawyer” would already know this. I will offer but one apology; I am truly sorry your big boy pants don’t fit you anymore you whiny little troglodyte! Good day Sir.

TO: Saint Peter Esq., Office of Admissions, Pearly Gates box 1, Heaven Inc.

FROM: Mr. Thomas Torrence Talisman Esq.

Dear Saint Peter, Oh my Go…Goodness! You did it AGAIN! This mis-use of “air-quotes” has got to stop. I have conferred with my colleagues here in purgatory and we find no other choice but to report your abhorant behaviour to the CEO. Your incompetence is appalling and makes me question your continence, you smelly, overweight gestapo loving geriatric. Just wait till your “Daddy” hears about this!

TO: Mr. Tommy Torrence Taliwhacker or whatever TF

FROM: Saint Peter Esq., The Real Slim Shady

Dear Sir, I fail to see how your ignorance is going to cost me a moment's peace. I am delighted to hear the “wonderful folks” in purgatory have “taken you”in. Perhaps they will be so kind as to help you learn “alternate” uses for soap in the shower?! Look, While I can appreciate all the “boys” in purgatory are treating you “extra special”, I think you should reconsider escalating this “thing” and “making” it much worse on “you’re self”.

TO: Saint Pete, border czar of Nutterville, Pearly Gates, Homey’s Holy Asylum

FROM: DEEZ NUTZ

Yo Pedro! You okay bro? C’mon man, “you’re self”? …“You're” not even making sense anymore! Mis-spelling and “Air quoting” wrong words; and not to mention sounding a little homophobic there my dude?! Why don’t you chill for a hot minute and take a break okay. Go rub one out or do whatever you do to reboot, and do a little research. We both know the big guy is pretty “judgy” and doesn’t like to hear complaints. I can tell you a lot of the folks I’ve met here were easily on your list until they started questioning some of his decisions. I look forward to hearing from you but seriously, take your time and think it through, no hurry!

TO: Tommy the Taint

FROM: Saint Pete-The ghost with the most

Dear Tom: 🖕…🔥🔥…🤣🤣🤣

***

TO: GOD

Cc., Saint Peter, Mother Mary, TMZ, Al-Jazeera, Rolling Stone Magazine

FROM: Mr. Thomas Torrence Talisman Esq.

Dear Lord, please find enclosed a transcript of a correspondence between myself and your representative Saint Peter Esq. I find his behaviour unbecoming and suggest he is unfit to hold office as Heavens gatekeeper. In light of this incriminating abuse of power, I move to have my case dismissed.

In addition,at this time I would like to submit a plea for justice and a seat at your table. I seek compensation in the form of a full pardon with unrestricted access to the promised land. In your name I pray, thy will be done, now and forever, Amen!

Attachment: [ PDF.EXC. FINAL NOTICE./WTG!/DUH ]

***

“Ding…Ding…D,D,Ding,Ding…Ding, Ding, Ding” Toms phone text notification chimes incessantly

TOMINATOR_ Whassup P-bag!?

PETEZILLA_ Really dude!! Tell me you didn’t send that?!

TOMINATOR_ Not yet loser…but I'm totally gonna send it tonight if you don’t let me in! You’re not some bouncer at a bar that gets to pick and choose who gets in based on who has the cutest skirt anymore man.

PETEZILLA_ You’re a freak. You wanna go Nuclear on this already? You know those perves in Purgatory are gaslighting you right? Here’s the really BIG BOMB… If you send that, we will BOTH get the boot! Don’t you get it? NO LAWYERS GET IN!!

TOMINATOR_ Woah, what?

PETEZILLA_ Yeah man, read the room! The memes aren’t lying, if you had 2 bullets and faced Hitler and a lawyer, most people shoot the lawyer TWICE! Trust me, this place up here is full of folks that once had 2 bullets!

TOMINATOR_ Oh Snap! Huh, alright, so what do you wanna do? I mean ya…okay…mistakes were made, but for the love of gawd man, ETERNAL fire and brimstone?! It’s a bit much no?

PETEZILLA_ I’s true, some people get treated very badly. Look, I do regret some of the things I said. How about this, I’ll let you in, but you have to delete the e-mails, ALL of them, ever! He can never know either of us were ever lawyers. Promise that and throw in a couple of hail Mary’s and we’ve got a deal.

TOMINATOR_ You got yourself one helluva deal!