Distant Song of Remembrance

Sometimes I wonder what happened that caused people to speak with hushed whispers around me, casting fearful glances my way as if I could kill them by just looking at them. I wonder what I could possibly do to cause this, or what trouble I had gotten myself into before the accident. Oh, the dreaded accident!

All I remember is smoke, billowing to the top of the ceiling, suffocating everything in the room. I remember standing there, in the middle, with something in my hands. I remember there were screams, and that was it. I don’t know if I even want to remember. The looks of pure fear mixed with fiery hatred were enough to make me sick. 

Was it a crime to simply exist? Was I not meant for this world, punished by a higher being for surviving? I purse my lips and grip the coffee cup in my hands harder, the styrofoam cup slowly caving from the pressure. Was I the bad guy? I take a drink.

My eyes roll over the near-empty cafeteria. There were two people in the corner farthest from me, they kept looking. I caught one of their eyes and they had widened before quickly looking down, I did the same. I watched the blackened coffee swirl in the cup from when I had lifted it to my lips. Around and around it went, eventually settling into a calm. 

My brain hurt and yet I lifted it to my lips once more, taking another drink of the beverage. Anything to get rid of the pressure in my head, the one that threatened to burst through the sides of my skull. Maybe I shouldn’t drink coffee that much. They say it’s bad for your health to constantly drink caffeine, but I was on my third cup of the day and I wasn’t planning on stopping. I had nothing else to do. I don’t want to know, I don’t want to remember and thus I take another sip. 

The glances were getting more frequent and I watched as another group pushed into the cafeteria. Their eyes scanned the empty tables and fell upon me, sitting alone in front of the frosted windows. They seemed to hesitate for a moment, cogs in their brains turning before they disappeared back through the door. I take another drink. I’m getting tired.

I turn my head to look out the windows. Snow fell gently outside, the mountainside scenery white and sparkly. The pine trees were covered in snow and the lake outside was frozen over. What seemed beautiful to others was just dull to me, the cold feeling outside was normal. I have lived here for as long as I could remember since I had regained consciousness from the accident. Oh, dear… What was this place called? Rehabilitation center, right? I scrunch my nose. Everyone else seemed to come and go but I was the one who stayed, the one familiar face. Maybe that's a good thing? 

I looked back towards the group. They had used folders to cover themself from my sight and I frowned slightly. One of them peeked over and squeaked from the sudden eye contact, disappearing back behind. The coffee was getting cold and so was I. They were probably eager to get me out. I don’t really feel like going back to my room.

Going back to my room meant staying in there until I crave another cup, which I predict to be in another hour. It’s the only thing that kept me company, the only thing that helped relieve the emptiness that had replaced my heart. I close my eyes and see the doctors that came to my room yesterday. We want to help you remember, they say. We’re here for you, their words seemed rehearsed as they had crossed long hallways with me and into one where the lights weren’t working quite as intended. I see the needles they use to take blood, the weird machines that they say scan my head for any abnormalities. I don’t know why I need to do this, at this point. Time had blended together and it was hard to tell them anything anymore.

I try to take another sip and no liquid hits my lips. I looked down, the cup was empty, the only thing remaining at the bottom were a few dark dots of liquid. Shoulders slightly fell and I puffed out a sigh, setting the cup down on the table and examining it. The cups had only changed once from what I remembered. They were dark green with snowy white drawings on it, where the pine trees stretched high into the sky. Now they were a boring brown color, no decorations, no drawings to look at. I turn my body to the connected library. They did the same thing there. Books used to be vibrant and full of life, now it's just all about psychology, the human mind, and the mysteries we still haven’t found out.

I turn back around and slightly slump down in my seat, raising a hand to pinch the bridge of my nose. The headache was getting worse and my thoughts were dripping and blending into one another. I hear the door open to the cafeteria once more. Another one to run away.

I don’t know what's wrong with me. I look over, knowing that my hopes would be crushed. Eyes slightly widened as I saw a new girl approaching me, confidence in her stride, and beauty on her face. “I’m sorry, I’ll get up.” my voice didn’t sound like mine as I pushed back against my table, my chair sliding out. 

“Wait, don’t go.” even her voice was beautiful, soft, and angelic as she approached me. “You’re alone, no one deserves to be alone here. Can I sit with you and eat my breakfast?” she had reached me and I looked up, swallowing confusion. In her hands was a tray, meds off to the side, a glass of orange juice sitting on the edge. Her main meal was a stack of two pancakes and barely any syrup; I furrowed my eyebrows together at her choice. 

“I don’t think you really want to do that,” I tried to avoid looking at her anymore and slid my eyes to the other two in the corner. They looked mortified as they peered over their folders, hands over their mouths as the girl talked. “You really don’t know who I am.”

“Do you?” her tone was slightly curious but serious at once, her head tilting and I sighed as I sat back, scooching my chair in. I lifted a hand and patted the seat at the table beside me. “Thank you.” she smiled and scooted the chair out, sitting down and placing her tray on the table. “I’m new here. The therapists are really nice.”

“I guess so.” I mused, squinting my eyes at my cup. Brown, it was brown, ground yourself. I hadn’t had genuine human interaction in… what felt like decades. I haven’t talked to a therapist in that long, either. I don’t quite remember the sound of their voice or the ring of their words. I only see doctors now and they don’t bother to push me further than I wanted to go. That meant no talking.

“Is it normally this snowy?” she leaned past me to lean towards the glass windows. I could tell she was just trying to start a conversation. “Back at home, we don’t get snow. I live in California.” she turned back to me and smiled, picking up her fork and cutting a small piece of pancake off. “It’s normally not this cold either.”

“It is.” my words tumbled out unnaturally and inwardly I cringed. “I bet that's nice, to not get snow.” I grab my cup and stand to go to the coffee station, pushing my cup into it and watching as the liquid falls into it. “Uh, do you… Want one?” it was common courtesy to offer, right? I don’t remember.

She watches me all the same, she examines my every move. I turn to watch her study me and she holds no shame in letting me see. She was an odd one, everyone always looked away when I looked back. “Yeah, sure. Get me what you’re getting, I don’t want to cause extra trouble.”

“Oh, okay,” I spoke back, blinking as I turned back. I throw in another cup and come back with both of them when they’re done, setting the plain coffee next to her tray. “What's your name?”

“Seraphine.” her smile was soft and I took in the way her eyes crinkled when her lips rose to meet them, the way her face was flushed so humanly compared to the gray tone that mine held when I looked lazily into the mirror of my room. “Yours?” I let my eyes travel to her lips. Red lipstick with lipgloss covered them and I did my best to stop frowning in surprise. People don’t bother with appearances here.

“Uh, I don’t remember,” I looked away with a waver in my voice. Seraphine frowned, taking note of the uncomfortable tone in my voice and placing her hand on my shoulder. “But,” I took a deep breath and let my hair fall in front of my face as I leaned forwards. “The doctors call me Maxime. Maxie, for short.” Seraphine lit up almost immediately, that same smile spreading across her lips as she grabbed the coffee cup and placed it on her tray.

“Well, Maxie, it’s nice to meet you! I’m coming back around noon to read,” she gestured towards the open library and my stomach twisted in a way that I didn’t know was possible for me. Kindness was a rare trait and here this girl was, showering one of the most avoided patients with it. “If you want to come… I would be really happy to read with you.”

“Oh… Uh… Sure. I’ll be here.” I blinked in surprise, thoughts racing through my head as she nodded and got up, waving goodbye and leaving me in stunned silence. I watched her leave, her hair bouncing gently against her back, and for the first time I smiled as she left. I could handle the constant remarks, the daily tests, the fearful glances from the other patients. I could handle them all, I could handle not being told what happened. I can handle not remembering. I don’t want to if it meant she could visit more.