36 comments

Adventure Drama


https://wp.me/pd3y1A-cv

August 19, 2021 10:21

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36 comments

That Asian Creep
11:59 Aug 19, 2021

great work! my favourite line of this was, “It did not showed a lot of maturity, yet it was just as innocent looking as Gru after he had robbed off the moon in Despicable Me.”

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Dhwani Jain
12:22 Aug 19, 2021

Thanks a lot!!! May I ask, who are you?

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Keya J.
14:10 Sep 15, 2021

It felt like reading a chapter of a fantasy book. Nice work Dhwani. As for critiques, the dialogues, if a bit more realistic, might add a new charm to your story. As a reader, I expected Lyla to be really shocked and confused when she got teleported. Moreover, it was good. Well done.

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Dhwani Jain
15:50 Sep 15, 2021

Okay.... Thanks a lot for this, Keya!!! =D

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Akshara P
03:01 Aug 25, 2021

The plot was so engaging, I loved the fantasy element of Lyla being transported to another world. Well written, this was so good! 🙂 Ok. I know this is my second time asking but, could you please give me an in-depth review for my story "Jace walkers fatal mistake" part one and two? Sorry for being annoying, I just enjoy reading them so much, lol. 😅

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Dhwani Jain
03:51 Aug 25, 2021

Thanks =D Definitely, I'll get to them when I can. yeah, me too.

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Akshara P
03:58 Aug 25, 2021

Thanks! Have a nice rest of your day. 🙂

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Dhwani Jain
03:59 Aug 25, 2021

I am in the same country as you are, so yeah.

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Cookie Carla🍪
17:15 Aug 23, 2021

Your imagery is amazing!! I liked the way you described your characters and the setting. It seemed like a really good movie that I would watch so that's a plus. The only negative comment is the dialogue. Of course you can write your dialogue in any way you want, but typically it's written with "he said" and "she said" so you know who's speaking. Sometimes I got a little lost and I had to reread over. All the while I think the layout of your story was great and your plot was great too!!

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Dhwani Jain
04:37 Aug 24, 2021

Thank you so much, Carla (can I call you Carla?) Definitely, but in my opinion continuously writing 'he/she said' becomes very redundant....so yeah. But thanks for the suggestion, I will keep it in my mind.

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Cookie Carla🍪
16:30 Aug 24, 2021

Ofc you can!!!! I totally agree bc I used to do the same thing so I def understand... but no problem!!

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Dhwani Jain
02:47 Aug 25, 2021

Okay.

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Palak Shah
08:59 Aug 21, 2021

Nice plot, I loved the story and it was a great read. The title was great and I liked the idea of Lyla being transported to another world :))

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Dhwani Jain
02:55 Aug 23, 2021

Thank you so much! :)

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Palak Shah
11:26 Aug 23, 2021

:))))))))))))

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Dhwani Jain
12:13 Aug 23, 2021

:P

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Palak Shah
08:38 Aug 24, 2021

:)))))))))))

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TJ Squared
02:06 Aug 20, 2021

Wow, interesting story here! I like how you blended a lot of you stories together into one main story. It seemed a bit rushed tbh. The details at the beginning about the brooch were great, and the other room that she was transported to was alright, but again, kinda rushed. Also, noticed an unusual amount of errors, so I'm gonna assume that you haven't edited it yet... "The charm was given to her by her friends, who ahd pooled in their money and the brooch was purchased by her for her sister." --> 'ahd' should be had. "it was like she was...

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Dhwani Jain
04:22 Aug 20, 2021

Okay, tbh, Flow, this is the longest story that I have written so far! Yeah, I am a lazy editor. Thanks for all these edits, I'll get to them ASAP. Yeah, you spotted all of them. I didn't really think about the DJ Wolf one, but it makes sense. =D

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TJ Squared
13:15 Aug 20, 2021

It definitely is! Ofc Yeah :)

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Dhwani Jain
04:32 Aug 20, 2021

You know what? The cherries charm and the brooch in this story, I recently discovered that I had them and now I am wearing the necklace daily. Something funny happened today. My grandfather looked at me and said in Hindi, "क्या आपने अपने गले में क्रिश्चियन क्रॉस पहना है?" {Find out the meaning yourself} And I was like , "नहीं! मैं क्रॉस क्यों पहनूंगा? मैं ईसाई नहीं हूँ!" {No offence, but I have no reason whatsoever to wear it and so, I said that. Also, they were TWO CHERRIES not what he thought it was.}

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TJ Squared
13:17 Aug 20, 2021

That’s cool! Makes sense, cause you described it like you could easily look at it. Lol

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Dhwani Jain
18:47 Aug 20, 2021

Yesh

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TJ Squared
20:18 Aug 20, 2021

:D

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Esther :)
00:29 Aug 20, 2021

GREAT JOB! It was very interesting. Unique plot. :) It’s petals each radiated a different colour – blue, pink, green, white and on of them created a transparent glow, without any colour. Did you mean one instead of on? The charm was given to her by her friends, who ahd pooled in their money and the brooch was purchased by her for her sister. Had instead of ahd. She reached for her brooch and felt dizzy just the second she took it in her hand. In a moment, she was transported to another world, or rather, an alternate world. Delete just. It d...

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Dhwani Jain
04:19 Aug 20, 2021

Thank you Esther! Yes, thanks for pointing that out! Definitely! Okay.. Yeah, I can't really spell that. Okay, no problem! Thank you for this review!

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Esther :)
02:05 Aug 21, 2021

You're welcome!

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22:46 Aug 19, 2021

Ooh, nice job! The plot was so engaging, and I loved the fantasy element of Lyla being transported to another world. I also think stories about villains are really interesting :))) Great work, this was so good! :D 🐈‍⬛

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Dhwani Jain
04:18 Aug 20, 2021

Thanks a ton! Can you identify all the 'hints' I gave to my other stories?

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20:33 Aug 20, 2021

Of course! :) Well, I haven’t read a lot of your stories yet, so I’m still working on figuring them out XD

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Dhwani Jain
07:10 Aug 20, 2021

Join me here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l1H9SUk-Z4VvSKhPYAV_z1kZJLRN9UgmdaxXxKii_TM/edit?usp=sharing

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Unknown User
19:36 Aug 19, 2021

<removed by user>

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Dhwani Jain
04:13 Aug 20, 2021

I don't really understand what you mean here, but yes, The Gecko and Aqua's Squad have mentions in this story, there are more stories to this game. Thanks a lot Sienna!!!!!!! <3

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Dhwani Jain
07:11 Aug 20, 2021

Join me here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l1H9SUk-Z4VvSKhPYAV_z1kZJLRN9UgmdaxXxKii_TM/edit?usp=sharing

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Unknown User
07:17 Aug 20, 2021

<removed by user>

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Dhwani Jain
07:18 Aug 20, 2021

Where are you from?

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