How to get away with loneliness.

You wouldn’t know just by staring at them that Tomi and Bataa suffer from a similar fate. Tomi with her big brown eyes and her bright green braids against her ebony skin, easy laugh and perky voice and outrageous fashion choices. Or Bataa with her quiet studious look, enforced by her owlish glasses, husky voice, and short hair perfectly framed together in her chocolate complexion.

But which fate you may ask; that of the friendless of course. Where they must spend weekends in and there are no invites to parties, where all games are played as a single player and all burning gossip is shared with the mute diary and the only time their phones lit up was to signal a spam email from sellers they couldn’t ever remember coming into contact with. That kind of fate that has them looking over in a crowded room or eyes stuck to their phones as though there was someone waiting elsewhere even though there is none. That elicits a flicker of envy in their eyes whenever they heard of those till-death friendship stories.

Oh you know the fate quite well even though you think you’ve survived it with your one friend or two or ten. Friendless-ness is the ghost that keeps us awake at night.

But this is the year everything changes.

Not for you. For Tomi and Bataa. They ushered in the New Year by themselves. No noise or crowded countdown, no phone calls, no hugs and kisses. Just a turn of the time on their phones as they lay snuggled in bed. There could have been ugly crying involved and sentimental objects clutched, comfort food munched and jealousy stocked as they followed everyone else’s events on social media. But we’ll never know for sure, we weren’t there. What I can truly say is that they swore it was the last time they would be that lonely. This was the year to get social.

Have I set the set the scene right? Is there more you wish to know about our characters?

What we truly need to know is that they are desperate for friends.

Like true children of the digital age, they took to researching their problem online. Different approaches but doable. Tomi watched YouTube videos and her favourite influencers encouraged her to go all out and put herself out there. Bataa read a series of posts that encouraged her to start small. They both took to writing down notes.

1.     Put yourself out there. Initiate contact. Everyone else is in need of a friend and just as scared to step out first.

This was going to be hard but they believed it would be worth it once they celebrated the next New Year’s or any major holiday in between with anyone.

So they put this plan in motion on the first day they were able to.

Tomi scoured the internet for an event she would be welcome to and signed up for one of those life coach conferences. It was the perfect scene, plenty of people milling about in need of personal development. They wouldn’t look too unkindly on Tomi’s presence. She coached herself on what to do and practiced a few conversation starters with her teddy bear. ‘Hello, I’m Tomwagane. But I answer to Tomi in case that’s hard for you. Laugh a bit there – haha. Nice meeting you. What’s your name?’ She shook her head at that, it was too wordy. Very unprofessional. Very desperate. Maybe she should walk in with her business card even though that would seem too impersonal. She fell head back onto her bed. She’ll just flow with whatever comes. There was bound to be someone else looking for a friend.

Bataa didn’t have the courage to put herself out anywhere. And besides, now that the holiday was over she had work to think about. She paced a worry line in her room till she thought of the online scene. She could get an online friend. She snapped her approval at that genius idea – someone she didn’t have to meet in person and whose interaction didn’t have to interrupt her work from home routine. She looked up the online sites where she could intrude unnoticed. She joined a number of group chats that night. She knew of success relationship stories that started off the internet. So most of the ones she heard were romantic in nature but she didn’t lose hope. Was there an app to match you with a friend? This was the thought that chased her off to sleep.

The morning dawned with expectation. It always went that way when there was a plan to follow. They both woke up early with the thought that this might be the day they end up with their best friend - a very ambitious thought.

Tomi breathed in deeply before she walked in to the hall, Bataa flexed her fingers before she logged in to the chat room. They both rolled their shoulders. ‘Go in and come out with a friend’ they chanted to themselves as they dared to break out of their comfort zones. The war on loneliness was officially waged.

2.     Smile more. It makes you appear more approachable.

Tomi hated her smile and spent her entire break time in the ladies’ room practicing her smile and dismissing all of them. There was something wrong with her teeth. She just knew it. If she had known how vital teeth were to an acceptable social life, she would have invested in braces years ago. ‘Too creepy’ when her eyes widened in turn with her smile. ‘Too desperate’ when she smiled so wide her eyes teared up. ‘Too fake’ when only her front teeth peeked out.  ‘Too bright’. It was hard striking the balance between approachable and desperate. And she had been so confident she looked approachable with her dark jeans and pink shirt. Her outfit screamed hip and comfortable. She settled on a simple smile that was basically a stretching of lips and didn’t expose any teeth but allowed a few wrinkles at the eyes to show its authenticity. It was warm, she decided and walked off to secure her first prey…I mean friend.

Bataa stuck a finger in her teeth to pick out whatever was stuck there. Maybe yesterday’s vegetables. Her finger didn’t quite get it so she commissioned her tongue to assist. She should brush her teeth more often she thought to herself. Even though she spends her day alone and there is no one to impress. She cupped a hand over her mouth, then exhaled into it and smelled her breath. Not bad, she acknowledged with a nodding of the head. ‘Could go about two more days,’ she said as she went back to the task at hand. Everything was going great so far, and she could do all this while still dressed in her pyjamas.  She had sent private messages to every third person on the list in the group chats. She figured three was a good number. Not all of them had replied within the two hour window she allowed and that served for elimination. She liked five more pictures and added the smiling emoji face. Surely, that looked more than approachable.

3.     Ask questions about the other party. People LOVE to talk about themselves. If you hit a snug, offer a compliment and see them light up again. Capitalise on the things you have in common.

And if you didn’t dare believe it, the Internet went on to give an example of these questions. Tomi returned to her table of six. Fate smiled at her and eased her objective when the host suggested they work at something as a table. This way, she wouldn’t be disrupting someone’s attention when she asked her questions. She had written her questions on a note on her phone and had to sneak a look at her phone every five minutes. She didn’t care that that was probably suspicious to everyone who saw her; she knew she was making progress.

One of her biggest fears was that she would get tongue-tied when faced with new people but conversation seemed to flow easily with the people on this table. It didn’t matter that she was holding up more than half of it asking a dozen questions a minute even when it was not necessary (Do you know what you are doing? Have you ever wondered about another career? How did you end up here today? Very informative discussion here, wouldn’t you say so) and filling silences with weird stories about herself. If she had stopped to think it through, she might have wondered if she was trying too hard.

But the people laughed where they were supposed to. It wasn’t the tear-jerking, chest clutching, floor-rolling deep laughter shared between friends. It was polite and quiet and didn’t go beyond five seconds but Tomi took every little as progress. And she worked the room during the lunch break. Like really worked it. She approached everyone she could with a disarming compliment that caused them to smile and readily answer her questions. As if she needed more proof that she was doing this, Tomi took a number of photos too.

‘I like your hair.’ That was what everyone said after she complimented them. Not a single mention on her outfit…or her hard practiced smile. She was unsure as to whether to believe them but she rolled with it. Asked the standard questions about work and what they thought of the conference so far. She was finally getting the hang of it.

Bataa believed that any question would be out of place. ‘What do you ask? What do you ask?’ She mumbled under her breath as she tapped her head. For all she knew people could be lying about the little she knew of them. She knew online presence was different from reality. She had fabricated a few delicate stories about herself on the internet already. People had asked her questions for most of the morning and she was content to do the answering without having to put herself out there again. It must sting to have your questions ignored even though she had ignored a few on her own and continued on her elimination streak.

And it's not like online communication gave her a lot to compliment. What do you say, 'that's great typing, impeccable shorthand, nice use of emojis, great choice of words'? She skipped that one altogether. It was a good point to remember for if and when she ever met anyone in person.

‘What do we have in common?’ she vented at the screen. Aside from the fact that they were all connecting online. So she sent the same question across all her open chats ‘Are you online often? Met good interesting people friends here?’ Maybe she needed to chance this friend-making thing in person. And like a bulb turned on, she thought to try all this practically with the housemate she didn’t really know. She wrote ‘Hey how was your day?’ on a green note. It was a quick write, all of two seconds, but she spent about twenty minutes debating over pushing it under her housemate’s door, pacing in front of the door she had never had cause to walk in front of in the two months they had lived together.

4.     Offer something more. This usually shows that you are interested in an ‘after’. For example take contact information. Also share a meal – it is said that people who eat together stay together.

Tomi followed the example to a T. She asked for contact information from most of the people she had managed to talk to. And watched with unconstrained glee how her phone contact list grew. She figured she had sufficiently fulfilled the "share a meal" stage since they had all had breakfast and lunch together. But she still offered an ‘after’ outside this conference.

‘Anyone up for coffee or pizza sometime?’ she asked without making eye-contact with any of the people on the table while everyone packed up. With her face away from them, she missed the hesitation and the looks they exchanged before they gave half-hearted answers. ‘Sometime,’ one of them answered dragging her bag and walking away from the table as fast as she could so that she didn’t have to commit to a date.

‘I’m a little busy,’ another one said. And there was a chorus agreement from the rest of them once he said that. And just like that, Tomi was back to square one. Not square one, square one. She had put herself out there and there was photographic evidence. Maybe she could pass it off as a busy social life on social media and in so doing make her very desirable company. She had really hoped today was the day for a friend. ‘I’ll just try again tomorrow,’ she sighed. She reasoned this failed because she didn’t share an intimate meal with them. She could do that with her roommate, she finally conceded. They had never done that before in the time they had been living together but this was the perfect time to start afresh. Tomi pulled out her phone to call and ask only to find that she didn’t have the number. All their communication had been done through email and they had no reason to hang out together.

Tomi settled for a pack of fries and hoped that would be safe enough for her roommate. Was it silly that she didn’t know her roommate’s food preferences?

Bataa didn’t have time or interest to follow that particular step. She quickly typed in to someone with whom conversation seemed to be flowing. ‘I just got the new game in. Want to connect and play at 2000hrs.’ That felt as deep a commitment for ‘after’ as she was willing to go. Or maybe they could convert the game playing into a watch party, where they watched the same thing from the comfort of their homes and away from each other. She added that thinking in the chart and sent.

She didn't want to give out her own contact information and was wary of someone out there having it. She also didn't bother asking for that just for the sake of fulfilling a list, she wanted to get that information when she was sure that she would use it. Her ideas on life were probably not inching her closer out the friendless zone but they kept her safe and her conscience clear. The question was always, 'Who do you take a chance on and trust with such personal information?' Was there a particular chemistry for friends? Could you tell whether friends would last the test of time from the way they looked at each other and how they gravitated to each other? This was such an interesting line of thought. She didn’t know why she had never thought of it.

Bataa sent in a pitch to her editor on the subject. And maybe she could use this as her research. If her mind cautioned her not to be so involved, perhaps she wouldn’t mind the outcome of this; friend or no friend. Even though she hoped for a friend. She pulled out some cold noodles and snacked as she chatted. It was way past the conventional lunch time but she had been so lost in her friend-searching, time had run away from her. She asked the many people she was chatting with if they were having lunch and what they were having to tick off “eating together = staying together”. Most people in this new year were cutting down meals to only breakfast and dinner. It agreed with their new diet. She finally found one who said they were snacking on some crisps. She circled his name on a piece of paper. That was more than sufficient for sharing a meal.

5.     Follow up and follow through. This is the stage where most relationships die. DON’T DIE HERE.

Tomi couldn’t remember the names of the people she had talked to all day. Maybe it was all well that they were never going to meet again in life. Today was practice, she cautioned herself. The next days would certainly be better. ‘Tomorrow WILL be better’, she told herself with conviction. She set her bag of food on the kitchen counter and wondered how she would go about inviting the mate to join her. She decided to leave it outside her door. She knocked till she got the ‘Coming!’ confirmation from inside and made her way to her room before the door could open. This was all chalked up in the journal as great progress on the resolution.

Bataa was not going to follow up or follow through with anything. No sir, she wasn’t that kind of person. And besides, today had simply been about testing the waters. She drafted how she wanted to conduct her study on friendship. She had to read more on this. Were there good conclusive books on the subject? It was always wise to go in with more information. She heard the front door open and figured the housemate was home. Now all she had to do was wait for her to see the note and respond. Maybe this could be a form of follow up. Maybe she had found her first case-study. She noted in her diary, ‘Ask me in four more days for the progress.’