All She Had Was Now

Olivia Grace was flooded with memories of a major snow storm when she was 10 years old. The whole block, the City, awoke that morning to the biggest snowfall that she could remember. She and her family lived on Brandywine Street. This street stretched from Barnaby Road all the way to 3^rd Street. For more than 3 blocks in every home or apartment on Brandywine Street lived children.

As a young kid, she could not wait to get dressed and go outside. She had a large bowl of hot oatmeal; dressed in layers of jeans and sweaters under her coat. She was bundled up from head to foot with hat, scarf and mittens. Olivia Grace wore her little red, rubber boots with two big black buckles. She was suited and booted.

The snow was high. Endless piles of the white stuff were everywhere. Children from the neighborhood slowly made their way outside. Chatter, laughter, capers in the snow was seen up and down the block. The piles of snow were hard to navigate through. She purposely made footprints in areas that had not been walked on; laid in the snow and made snow angels.

Mounds of snowballs were stacked high. Everybody was stacking snowballs when a big head boy across the street, Mikey, started throwing his snowballs. It was an epic snow battle. Snowballs were flying from every direction. Laughter was heard from every child engaged in the snowball fight of the day.

As she sat in her own home, she wondered if she could ever get back to that level of happiness. It was magical. The life of a child, not a care in the world.

She had been home holed up in her apartment like the ground hog that entire three-day weekend. She rested solemnly on her beige sofa. She was wrapped in a handmade purple and white blanket that was crocheted, a gift from her mom.

The TV was on, she hardly watched it. She switched channels often. Not certain what peeked her interest. Olivia was in a rut. She was worried.

Her sofa was situated in front her bay window. The white, beige, and black curtains were open. She peeked out of the window from time to time. The sun was up. From her apartment the view outside was deceiving. It was February 2^nd and cold as the dickens. The temps, a staggering 24 degrees. There was a slight breeze. The bare-naked trees swayed with the wind.

It snowed the night before. Lots of it. She thought that the weatherman’s forecast did not include snow. Obviously, she was wrong. Snow was all over the place. Oddly though, not a kid in sight.

She found the nerve to get off the couch. Olivia Grace walked to the kitchen. She filled up her red kettle with water and placed it on the stove. The fire was on low for a slow boil. She wanted a nice hot cup of tea.

As she waited to make her tea, Olivia Grace showered. She handled her essentials by putting on deodorant, lotion, moisturizer, and whatnots. She made herself even more comfortable in a soft pink, cozy, big sweater and black leggings. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail using a scrunchy.

Just as she finished dressing, the tea kettle hissed. She fixed herself a cup of black tea with powdered cream and a small amount of sugar. Olivia Grace sat again in the window. She cupped her tea with both hands. The warmth in her home was quiet and placid.

She was in a rut. She had not heard from her love, Maurice. They had been dating a while. It was great. The connection was solid. They were in bliss! She was in sheer heaven.

He called her his Jewel. As far as he was concerned, she was as precious and rare as a jewel. He was not shy about his feelings toward her. From their first encounter, Maurice and Olivia Grace were on the same page about their future.

But then Maurice and his small firm was awarded a large contract from a company in Cape Town, South Africa. It was a huge deal in dollars and international exposure. He had less than a week to prepare for his trip. That included his home, utilities, and other affairs. They discussed marriage before he left. He said from day one, his intention was not to just date her. He dated Olivia Grace with a purpose, always for marriage.

He promised to write. He promised to call. He did exactly that. He used his US cellphone while at the airport. They had prayer before he boarded his flight. They both blew kisses in the phone.

As soon as he landed, he texted. Once settled in his room, he called. He purposely used a South African exchange. He said the rates were better. He was ready to get started. Maurice was excited. Olivia Grace was excited for him and with him.

He was now six hours ahead in time. She accommodated the time difference. It was always nice hearing his voice, his laughter. Maurice was indeed a pleasure.

They spoke regularly. He shared what his days were like. She shared hers. They still blew kisses at each other. Texted pictures and updates.

Then Maurice ran into some trouble with the Cape Town South African Ministry of Labor. He failed to register his company to do business in their country. He did not take up residency as he should have. His company’s equipment was seized. The work site was shut down. He was levied heavy fines. Before he and his team could resume work, they had to pay the government of Cape Town South Africa almost $400,000.

He called Olivia Grace. That was a lot of money that she did not have. He explained they downsized from the five-star hotel to a hotel of lesser stars. It was decent but not what he was used to. He got terribly sick to the point of him having to go to the hospital. Members of his company fell ill and had to get medical attention.

After being delayed more than three weeks, Maurice and his team raised the much-needed money. He was back on track. The excitement was back in his voice. She was excited for him.

His phone calls and texts became few and far between. But the cash Maurice needed for the duration of his stay in Cape Town was low. Olivia Grace sent what she could. His mom, the wives of his team members sent money. Friends of theirs sent what they could.

Then, his daily calls and texts to Olivia Grace became patchy. Not hearing from him was so unlike him. She remained as optimistic as she was able to. Was he okay? Was he eating? How was the project coming along? A thousand and one questions flooded her mind daily. She was worried.

Her anxiety was at an all-time high. She sipped her tea, which had cooled some. Sitting in her home was not the answer. She needed to get out of her apartment.

She missed being that kid that ran amuck in the snow without a care in the world. She wanted to return back to at time when overthinking wasn’t a thing.

Olivia Grace layered herself. A brisk walk and the natural light were what she needed. She headed to the nearest Barnes and Nobles. It was three blocks from her home. She wanted a self-help book that helped her not to over-think; maybe a book of daily devotions or meditations.

She walked down the steps of her brownstone. It was sunny outside. The cars, streets, and sidewalks were covered in snow. It was so cold that the snow crunched under her feet.

A few people braved the cold weather too. Some walked dogs. Others held hot cups of something from Starbucks.

         She started out walking fast. Her goal was not to be outdoors in the cold for long. However, she slowed her pace to the bookstore. The cold air was calming. Olivia Grace’s mind, her senses opened. The air, the walk, was what she needed.

         As she arrived at the bookstore, she headed straight for the self-help isle. She wanted to purchase two books. One a gratitude journal so that she may write daily the things that are positive in her life. She had so much to be thankful for.

         She also wanted to purchase a book on how to deal with anxiety and how to stop over-thinking. She allowed fear, worry, and doubt to hold her captive. Her dreams were delayed because of anxiety. She wanted no more of this kind of living, overthinking.

         She passed the magazine section. She was distracted by the cover of Essence Magazine. Lupita Nyong’o graced the cover. It was a stunning photo. She picked it up and flipped right to Lupita’s story. The words that Olivia Grace will never forget during Lupita’s Oscar speech was “When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every little child that no matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid. Thank you.” These few words reminded Olivia Grace that her dreams, her life, and gifts and talents were all valid. She wanted to do away with her anxiety. It was time to focus on her and overcome the things that held her back and down.

         She passed by a couple in their parkas all hugged up. They snuggled as they thumbed through some magazine. She did not care what they read. That image made her miss Maurice even more. She pushed on.

         As she approached the self-help isle, there was the strong smell of way too much perfume. Someone was drenched in it. The smell nauseated her. It made her cough.

There were three ladies in the aisle; she did not know which one it was. Olivia Grace was not about to stand next to each one to determine who stank. She hurried down that portion of the self-help section. She wanted to be liberated from the smell of perfume.

Thankfully, she walked into a section that was quiet. Olivia Grace was free to browse without worry; without heavy smells of perfume. There were hordes of self-help books, magazines, journals and stuff. There were inspirational book marks, coffee cups, calendars, etc. You name it, it was there.

She wanted to peruse the isle alone for just a few minutes. When she approached the journal section, she wanted a journal that felt good in her hands; like she was supposed to write in “this” journal. That may sound maniacal to some. But for Olivia Grace, it was her truth.

She found a brown leather-bound journal. It had 300 pages of recycled paper in it. The pages were cream-colored and a tad rough in texture. It closed with a single leather brown strap that wrapped around the journal two times.

Olivia Grace was drawn to it. It was not heavy or bulky. It was the size of a 5 x 5 book. She thought because of the quality it would be expensive. It was only $16.95.

Not far from the journals was a small section for miscellaneous inspirational items. She wanted a bookmark. The one that caught Olivia Grace’s eye was simply written by The Right Messages, ‘Don’t be stuck on the struggle that you refuse to be a part of life, there’s so many people waiting on you to show them that they deserve to live, so breathe a bit and live life even in the struggles.’  Boom! This was it!

She was still under budget at just 19.95. She did not want to spend more than $30 total. She would squeeze more if necessary.

As she walked to further down the isle there was something for men, women, teenagers and children. What she did not want to do was become so engrossed in reading that she would forget she already had what she needed inside her. She saw a few books by Suzie Orman, Sheryl Sandberg, Oprah Winfrey, Alexis Jones and others. These peeked her interest some, but the reading on the back flap did not make her want to read their offerings, yet.

Olivia Grace picked up a 6” x 9” book entitled, “Acts of Faith: Daily Meditation for People of Color by Iyanla Vanzant. It contained an inspiration quote for each day of the year. It would help with reflection and wisdom. Olivia found the right stuff. She walked to the checkout counter. She was still under budget.

The walk home was exhilarating. She was glad she got out her apartment, even if it was frigid. She certainly needed it. She was still concerned about Maurice. But while in the air, she wanted complete control over her level of anxiety. No news was good news. She reinforced, ‘he was great and successful. Olivia Grace was proud of him. He was healthy happy and kicking butt raising that project from the dirt. He had a great team and he was surely to have God’s favor as he worked hard to complete that building.

Over the next few days, she had calmed herself. She started journaling every morning before the break of dawn. Her new routine had Olivia Grace singing a new tune. She was relaxed. She stretched and quieted her thoughts for a few moments each morning. She read a page from Iyanla Vanzant’s Acts of Faith. She learned it was an act of faith to change behaviors like anxiety that kept her trapped. Truth be told, the future and the past that she was worried about don’t exist where she was. For real, all Olivia Grace had was now.

She mapped out a plan to free herself from worry. That goal was to stay in the present, in the moment. To be mindful of her mood before it manifested into anxiety and depression. She stopped focusing on Maurice and what if. . . She, instead, focused on her health and well-being. It was a freeing few days.

As she arrived home from work, Olivia Grace heard the phone ring as she turned the key to enter her apartment. She rushed to put her packages down. Her day at work was a busy one. She wanted to relax and unwind.

Caller ID made her smile like the Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland. It was as wide as it could be.

“Hello.”

“Hello, my Jewel. . .”

         Words to her ears.

         Olivia Grace and Maurice talked for a good while. He missed her as much as she missed him. Although he was not well and taken to the hospital, the work still had to be done. He was tired and barely slept a full night. Money was low, but they were on track with the budget. He pushed through. He wanted to be back home. He was ready for their lives to begin.

         “How are you Jewel?

         “I’m fine. I have missed you so much. I was a range of emotions. The less I heard from you, the more worried I became.

         “It took a minute, but I did get my worry and anxiety under control. It has been peaceful and nice.”

         “I missed you too. I too was stressed. I wanted to call, but we have been busy. I read and reread all your text messages. I looked at your pictures. How beautiful you are. You are my heart Olivia Grace.”

         “Same here, Big Moe!”

         They talked for an hour about everything. They agreed to let go of worry and to trust the journey that they were on, together.

         Her takeaway, stress and worry come because we try to do