New Normal

Dear diary, December 2, 2005

This is my first entry. I always wanted a diary, to write my feelings, thoughts, and dreams in. And whatever I'm feeling that day. I think it would be interesting to look back at when I'm older, relive the memories. See how much I've changed. So I finally brought one. It's a plain purple book with lines inside. It has two hundred pages. My first of many diaries. Now let me introduce myself. I'm Clare Robbins, 11 years old. I want to be a veterinarian when I'm older. I love animals. We have a family dog, named Max. He is the cutest little pug ever. I have an older sister named Julie. She wants to be a doctor. And a little brother named Kyle. Who hasn't decided what to be yet. They're okay for siblings, so are my parents. I have great friends too. Lisa, my best friend lives two houses down from me. I also have a crush on a boy named Luke. He's DREAMY, dark blond hair with blue eyes, four inches taller than me. He loves playing baseball. I don't know if he likes me back. We both say hi to each other sometimes. I hope he does. Lisa was going to ask him if he likes anyone. I told her not to because he might know I do. And I do not want him to know, what if he doesn't like me back. It would be EMBARRASSING and the WORSE. He's the first boy I actually really like. I have a plan though. I'm going to show him that I'm smart, cool, and beautiful. Mom says I'm all those things, but she has to say that. She's my mom. Anyway, this is my first entry. I'll write soon.

P.S I hope Luke likes me.

Dear Diary, June 12, 2006

Yay! My thirteen birthday is in a week. I'm finally a teenager. It's exciting! My party is going to be in my backyard. I love parties. Just thinking of the time I'll have makes me smile. Mom's making me a chocolate cake with strawberry filling. She makes the best cakes. But the AWESOME thing is now I'll get a phone! They promise me when I turn 13. They keep reminding me though, that it's for emergency and not to lose or break it. I promise I would take extra care of it and use it if I'm lost. Best birthday ever!! No, wait. My best birthday is when I turn sixteen and get to drive a car. Julie said she would teach me, until then she drives me around. Julie is the coolest. She lets me hang out with her, even with her friends. And it means a lot because she's popular. Her boyfriend is on the football team. They're a power couple. Got to go now, mom is calling me. YAY, 13!

Dear diary, January 8, 2007

I had a huge fight with Lisa. She said I'm not there for her anymore. She feels like I don't want to be her friend anymore. That I turn my back on my real friends. Which is not true at all. I've been busy. I volunteer at the local animal shelter. I only feed and walk the dogs, but it's fun. I love it when they jump all over me, wanting me to play with them. Also Luke and I are now boyfriend and girlfriend. But, it's mainly that I spend most of my time with the popular kids. I realize now I haven't been spending enough time with her or my other friends. She said I only care about being popular. I blew her off last Friday. She wanted to study and a group of the other kids wanted to go to the movies. Ashley wouldn't take no for an answer. I told Lisa to come with us, but she said no. I have been a horrible friend. She feels like I ditch her, so do Jane and Grace. Starting now, I'm going to be better. That's what best friends do. I'm going over to her house right now. Lisa is my real friend. Ashley and the other kids only said hi to me, until they saw me hang out with Julie. I gotta go say sorry to some real friends.

Dear diary September, 8 2009

I hate this feeling. Luke broke up with me and the worse thing is that he's dating Ashley. I hate her and Luke. It's only been five days and already he's dating. I've been crying my eyes dry. I asked him why, he said "I think we should see other people. We're only fifteen anyway. It's not like we're soulmates." I can not believe he said that. And the thing is, I loved him. I thought he loved me too. I feel stupid. Everybody has been cheering me up. Saying what an idiot he is for dumping me. And that he doesn't deserve me. Kyle has been telling me jokes. Julie and I stayed up in her room last night eating ice cream. She told me there'll be other guys. Guys who would really love me. Best sister ever. I'll miss her when she goes off to college in the fall.

P.S It still hurts.

Dear diary, November 2, 2010

Josh asked me out. I said yes. We're going to the movies on Friday. He loves watching scary movies. He's funny and kind. Also brave to watch those scary movies. Way different than Luke. Enough about Josh now. Algebra is frustrating. Last Monday I brought home a C minus on my Math test, usually I get an A, or B once in a while. I do NOT understand math. Sam understands about math. I think I'll ask him for help.

Dear diary, January 3, 2011

Working at the shelter is the best. I even talked mom and dad into adopting a cat. The poor thing, she's been at the shelter for two years. I could tell she was sad in her eyes. She wanted someone to love her. I'm glad we did. She was already named at the shelter, which is Buttercup. She loves my whole family, including Max. Julie came to visit for the holidays and wanted to take Buttercup back with her. I'm glad she didn't. Buttercup wouldn't like to be crammed in a small space.

Dear diary, August 20, 2012

Tomorrow is the first day of college. It's exciting and nervous at the same time. I'm still homesick. I miss Kyle telling me jokes. Talking to mom about things. I miss dad cooking on Saturday. I miss Max and Buttercup everyday. No more sad thoughts. I'm going to cry in my diary. I gotta go. I'm meeting some people for lunch. They seem cool and nice.

Dear diary, February 19, 2018

It's my third year of vet school. I'm not doing great. I can't focus. I'm trying though. My parents keep calling. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone.

Dear diary, August 6, 2019

My last year of vet school. The work is getting harder. Sometimes I don't show up to class. I just don't want to get out of bed. Also, I think someone is following me. I'm not sure.

Dear diary, August 10, 2019

Someone is following me. I could see the shadow of the person everywhere I went. I noticed a car following me from the market. It's probably Holly, my neighbor. I know it's her. She hates me. They all hate me.

Dear diary, August 13, 2019

They're listening to my thoughts. I'm not safe. They're watching me. I hear them outside my door. I hear them all the time. I hear them in the dark. They want to kill me.

Dear diary, August 16,2019

THE VOICES WON'T BE QUITE I WANT THEM TO STOP STOP STOP STOP I NEED QUITE SHUT UP

Dear diary, March 10, 2020

I was in a psychiatric hospital for six months. I have schizophrenia. I'm staying with my parents right now. Julie was the one to find me. She got tired of me not answering her calls. She knew something was wrong. When she got to my apartment, she was banging on my door. She heard me talking inside. She got my landlord to open the door. She found me pacing the floor, repeating, "They're watching me." She rushed me to the hospital. They said I was dehydrated. I hadn't showered or changed my clothes for days. At the psychiatric hospital the doctors watched my every minute. They diagnose my behavior as schizophrenia. In the hospital I was worse. They had me in restraints. I kept yelling that they were going to kill me. Even my own sister I thought was going to kill me. I don't remember the rest.

Dear diary, March 28, 2020

Living back with my parents is not so bad. It's only for a few weeks, until I could get a new handle on my life again. Max and Buttercup are happy I'm back. Kyle stayed for a couple of days. He still tells me jokes. I'm happy he does. Laughing takes my mind off it all. Julie's the big help. She took time off at the hospital. She makes sure I take my pills. She brings food to my room. The best thing, is that she tells me I'll be okay. And I am okay. The medication is good for me. Not completely, the doctors said it will take awhile. And even then I won't feel the same anymore. I could still hear the voices. Not loud like before, but still there. Those won't ever go away. I have to tell myself they are not real.

Dear diary, June 1, 2020

It's been two months since living on my own again. I live three cities away from my parents. They sleep at night knowing I'm close by, so do I. I'm still going to finish my last year of vet school. Just not at the same school anymore. It's a great school. I start in the fall. The doctors told me I could have a normal life. I want to believe them. A still normal life even diagnosed with schizophrenia. I see a therapist now too. I'm making sure to take my meds. I don't want another episode to happen. I look through my diary to see my behaviour and I can not believe I wrote those things. It frightens me. It could all go wrong. The rest is blank. I apologize to Holly. I accused her of listening to my thoughts on her phone. I grab it out of her hand and throw it. She said none of that matters. What matters is taking care of myself. My therapist told me to take it one day at a time. I'm trying.