Out Here Tonight

Maybe it’s for the better that I’m out here alone tonight. Although he really would have loved the cool air, the dogs happily walking with their owners and the general sense of being outside during his favorite season.

You HAVE TO stop obsessing over this relationship. Reed was nothing but a stupid guy, who lied most of the time we were together and is about to have a baby. With his wife. Jesus Christ.

How could I have been so dumb? Seriously, I’m so much smarter than that. And then there are the issues going on with my brother back home. When it rains it pours.

That girl making jogging look effortless, maybe I should start jogging.

I really hope that my Dad is going to be okay. I worry about his mental state. Ever since the stuff going on with my brother started, he’s been all over the place.

It’s a little chillier than I thought it would be at this time. I probably should have brought a bigger jacket with me.

Aww, that dog is seriously adorable. I love French bulldogs, they remind me of little sausages.

Speaking of French bulldogs, who will get to keep my brother’s dog when all of this stuff goes down with his divorce? I really hope that his awful wife doesn’t get to keep Frenchie. I mean, Lilly named it for god’s sake.

I’m so worried for Lilly, I know she’s young and probably doesn’t realize what’s going on with her parents, but divorce still affects people deeply. I remember when Maria’s parent’s got divorced when I was in middle school. She called me crying and I remember hoping that something like that would never happen to me.

Not that what actually happened to me isn’t worse. And twisted. And seriously fucked up.

Another couple. Jesus Christ. It’s like the universe is rubbing this situation with Reed (and my brother) in my freaking face right now.

Ouch. Tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. Hopefully no one saw that, especially the hot guys playing volleyball over there.

My Dad has a strong support system, he will be able to get through this. But I just can’t believe that my brother would subject him to all of the bullshit. I mean, he had to have known that Carmen was capable of this. She has always been sort of sketchy and definitely a little bit off of her rocker. How could she cheat knowing there is a perfectly innocent (and adorable) child in the mix? And that Aaron is insane and would do anything in the world for her?

Not that I have any room at all to talk. As awkward and coincidental as it is, I’m guilty of the same exact thing with Reed. Ugh. Why in the world did I even get involved with him. I knew all of the issues with his family before, when we were strictly colleagues and he would overshare on the personal details. Or that one holiday party where he got suuuper fucked up and tried to kiss me. Come to think of it, that’s probably where all of this got off track. I should have taken Carl to the party like I originally planned.

But, of course, in the back of my mind, I wondered what would happen if Reed and I were alone. Left to our own devices. In the dark. Him touching my arm. Me looking up into his hazely green eyes. Ugh. STOP.

Seeing this little girl swinging on the swing with her Dad kind of makes me more miserable. In one sense, it reminds me that Reed has just celebrated one of the most important moments of his life. Without me. With Lauren. Fuck.

But another part of me thinks of my Dad, worrying about Lilly and the legal battles and how Christmas and other holidays will never be the same if Carmen and Aaron actually split. My Dad has always been a hopeless romantic. And I guess, I probably got that from him. I mean shit, what else would make me call Reed a week after that holiday party and talk for three hours. And invite him to spend the weekend in Cleveland with me knowing DAMN WELL the man is married and completely unavailable.

That’s the problem with being a hopeless romantic. You use your heart, not your head. That’s where things went wrong for me.

What would my Dad do in this situation? What would he have wanted Carmen to do with Aaron? Maybe putting myself in his shoes will help me make a better decision.

Fuck. I have to end it with Reed. And that kills me. Even thinking it out loud creates this massive pit in my stomach and I’m suddenly nauseous. But it’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to his wife and newborn baby. Just like what Carmen did to Aaron isn’t fair. It’s not fair to my Dad and it’s not fair to Lilly.

What a shitshow. Who thought that following your heart and losing yourself in love could hurt so many other people? I never intended for it to be this way. I just wanted to feel something for someone, it’s been so long and I’m desperate.

I have to do this. For me, for Lilly, for my Dad.

I wonder what Reed will say? Will he be upset? Will he understand? He should fucking understand. He has a NEWBORN. That isn’t mine. It’s his wife’s. Jesus.

And I need to visit my Dad. Let him know that through everything going on with Carmen and Aaron, I’m going to be there for him. I’m going to make sure that he and Lilly get to stay connected and that he doesn’t fall into another deep depression.

I know Aaron didn’t mean for anything serious like that to happen, but Dad is sensitive case. He’s dealt with major depression on and off for the majority of his life. Aaron should’ve known that something like this could set him off.

Life is this way, I guess. We never know if our own actions will end up rippling and affecting others. I sure as shit don’t know if Reed’s wife, Lauren, has any inkling of what’s going on with us. Or that her husband tells random girls he works with that their marriage is over. Or whether or not that’s true.

Or if their baby will ever be affected by any of this. Probably not.

She’s always a woman to me…God damn it, I keep getting that stupid Billy Joel song stuck in my head. The one that we danced to during the holiday party. The beginning of what now is most definitely the end.

Why is it that this park always gives me some clarity. Somehow, I’m able to walk, thoughts swirling and circling and come back home with some sort of clarity. Some sort of direction.

Like how Reed’s number is going to be the first I’m calling when I get home. It’s done and he knows it. Just have to rip it off like a band aid. And get back to what’s important. Which is my family and the craziness going on with Aaron.

I’m going to end it. That’s what I have to do.