Solace

The little beach town was crowded on this bright, spring day. It was the perfect weather for beachgoing. Warm, but bearable. As she wove her way through crowds of people, she noticed the sense of joy and excitement in the air. It lingered there with each friendly conversation that passed her on the boardwalk and with each hit of the ball coupled with friendly banter in the volleyball pit. It was there in the excited squeals of the children on the playground as they played with siblings and new friends met for the first time that day. This joy remained in the air after passing couples holding hands and dreaming of a future that was only theirs and after a group of women pushing their strollers and chatting, obviously using the excuse of exercise to get the much-needed adult conversation about things with which only other new mothers could sympathize. 

The joy stopped abruptly when it reached her. It was as if a force field blocked it as it fell dead and lifeless at her feet. She was in her favorite place in the world, but nothing could lift her spirits on that lonely, sad day. She tried to imagine what they would have talked about, the people that would stand out to them on a normal day, the shops they would visit. She tried to capture just a fraction of the feeling that would have warmed her spirit just weeks before, had they decided on a last-minute trip to the boardwalk, but it was just out of her reach. There was nothing that could cheer her today, not even the young boy sharing his ice cream cone with the bulldog sitting next to him on the sandy planks. 

She had come here in an attempt to disappear in the hustle and bustle of the busy little town. She wanted to feel something again, anything really, so she came to the place that had always felt like home to her, even though it was just a dream to actually live there. They often came to enjoy a nice dinner, browse the shops, or just lay on the sand. They could have done anything, as long as they were together. 

She continued walking, but the grief was coming again, another wave that threatened to wash her legs out from under her. She attempted to stifle a sob and managed to stop the tears that had made their home down her cheeks this past week. She felt the weight of her bag again and wondered what she was even doing there. She felt cold despite the heat of the mid-afternoon sun, and she decided to retreat to a nearby bench where she could compose herself before going about the business she had set out to accomplish that morning. 

She knew why she was here. This was the place they loved. The place they dreamed of. They would buy a sailboat and join a yacht club, fraternizing with other seafaring couples and exploring new hobbies together. They would invite people over for lavish dinner parties to watch the sun dip below the horizon and walk along the shore in the evening after the crowds had retreated inland. These were their dreams. While they had once filled her with hope and anticipation, now they weighed her down like a chain around her neck, suffocating her. She couldn’t breathe and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to again. 

She sat for a few more moments, trying to engage with the people all around her. She tried to recapture a glimpse of her former happiness, but the chain fettered her to the bench and she couldn’t move. She was so alone, and she feared she always would be. She had never known a life without him by her side, and now she was so unsure of everything. She had even needed to use her GPS to navigate her there, to the spot she had been a thousand times. She was lost. She allowed the tears to come again, almost surprised that there were any left. The people around her were busy; no one noticed the small, crying woman sitting on the bench, clutching her aqua-colored bag to her chest. 

When she finally got up, she knew what she had to do. She moved slowly, but with more resolve than before as she wove her way through the joyful people. She took off her thin sandals and stepped down off the wooden boardwalk into the soft, warm sand. She was hoping that doing so would make her feel connected once more to this place she loved, but the emptiness was overwhelming, and she almost fell to her knees in despair. Instead, she held her bag tighter and set off in her intended direction once more. 

As she got closer to the pier, the throngs of people grew thicker. It was almost time for dinner, and the pier boasted several restaurants that were popular with locals and tourists alike. She continued to observe the people surrounding her, hoping to feel something other than her smothering isolation, but there was nothing. She stood back for a moment, watching fishermen hauling in the evening’s catch and skateboarders doing tricks on handrails, old couples walking slowly and finally, her gaze came to rest on a woman whose pregnant belly was so big and round that she had to support the weight of it with both hands. The two women made eye contact, and for a moment she could see herself in the younger woman, full of hope and expectancy of an incredible life of love ahead of her. 

She looked away quickly, as the younger woman just served as a reminder of all she had recently lost. She continued on toward the edge of the pier. She knew what she had to do, and she knew she had to do it quickly. She found a break in the crowd waiting to get into the restaurant, and stood at the railing, feeling the rough wood underneath her fingertips. She reached into her bag and pulled out the urn. As she unscrewed the lid, she trembled with the anxiety of being caught. This exhilaration was the first real feeling that had broken through the bleakness she had felt for what seemed like so long. She knew what she had to do, and she suddenly didn’t care what happened to her. 

She held tight to the small, round lid in one hand, and with the other, leaning over the railing as far as her petite form could reach, she upturned the canister, scattering his ashes in a cloud that oddly resembled a heart. Maybe that was her imagination, or maybe it was one last whisper into eternity. He was free. Her soul was relieved, and she sank to the ground and wept.