Of Course I'm a Witch

-Mirror mirror on the wall…. 

Look at that reflection!!!

Blonde curls falling gently on my shoulders. Bright blue eyes and rosy cheeks. Truth be known, I look kind of sweet and innocent. Even after all these years it still makes no sense to me. You think I don’t know what witches are supposed to look like? Black scraggly hair, warts on nose of course, scrawny as a scarecrow. Certainly not these luscious curves (as I have heard them referred to). Even if I wanted them to, no one would believe me.

Until now!!! Until Now!!!  I think I finally know someone who will believe me.

I was 6 years old when I got my first clue, though I didn’t know what it meant then! I was shocked to discover that what I said mattered. Not because anyone was actually paying attention. But because I saw what happened. I was stuck on the porch watching the rain come down, longing to run out into the forrest behind our house and visit a raccoon I had become friends with. I stomped my foot and said, “Stop raining, I want to go visit Mr Mask!!” 

Just like that. It stopped raining. Sun came out and I was off. I told Mr Mask all about it. He wasn’t as surprised as I was. I told my mom later when I came home and she said, “What a lovely coincidence.” I knew she was wrong, but I didn’t argue, I just tucked that knowing inside to keep it safe. 

I knew it was true. But I tested it out a few more times. When no one was around I told street lights to turn on or off, I tried telling plants to grow, or turn towards the light and they always did as I commanded. Ok, so then I knew it was true for sure. Then I got really, really scared! What if I had said, “Drop dead” to someone that made me mad. I lived in fear I would say the wrong thing. I almost quit talking at all for way over a year. The only ones I could talk to were the animals I had made friends with in the forrest. I don’t know what I would have done without them!!! Still, I am a human and sometimes I just wanted to talk and live and be carefree like the other kids. 

Its not like I had nothing to say. I loved to talk and to sing and tell stories. So being quiet was torture. 

No one seemed to notice that part. They began to refer to me as shy!!! Oh come on!!! I was anything but shy. Scared, Yes! Shy, No !!!!! 

The night of my 8th birthday, after an ok birthday party, I sat in the dark on my bed way past midnight, which is really late for an 8 yr old. My arms wrapped super tight around my legs, knees under my chin, every muscle in my back strung tight like a the tightrope I felt I was walking on. I was about to explode and with so many pent up words inside me, I had no idea what would come out. 

One moment I was rigid as a piece of oak. And the next I was completely calm and relaxed. I opened my eyes and beside me sat a most lovely blue light. I felt happy and safe and so of course I burst out crying, collapsing into the lap of blue. 

She enfolded me and let me cry out all my unsaid thoughts, all my fears, all my longing. 

Finally I wailed, “I don’t know how to be!”

Now it was her turn to speak. OOOOOH hearing her voice was like drinking beautiful light mixed with honey. I drank in every word. I never forgot one word that she told me. 

“Trust yourself,” she said. 

“I can’t. What if I say the wrong thing? What I say matters!!! Sometimes I get really mad. What if I said something bad?” 

“Trust yourself,” she repeated. “The fact that you are so worried about what you might say, means you never really want to hurt anyone. It isn’t just your words that have power. It is the will behind your words where the power is. If you said drop dead, and what you really mean is leave me alone. They will leave you alone and they will not drop dead.”

“Really? I never ever want to hurt anyone. Even when I am mad.” 

“I know you don’t. Your heart is clean and pure and that is why I say, trust yourself.” 

“Can everyone make it stop raining but they just don’t know it?” 

“Well, that is kind of complicated. Yes everyone has more power than they think they have. Including you! Still, there is a difference. You are a witch, which means that your power is closer to the surface than most other people’s power.” 

“A Witch?” I was stunned. I leapt up and then, like now on my 21st birthday, I looked in the mirror. I exclaimed, ”I can’t be. Look at me. I don’t look like a witch.” 

The blue light laughed. Who knew blue light could laugh. “But you are.”

“Wow, now I really am in trouble. Nobody likes witches.”

“You would be surprised," she assured me. “Do you like you?” 

“Yes, of course I do!” 

“See!”

“Doesn’t count!” 

Then she switched subjects on me and said, “What you need right now is not popularity reassurance. I came here to help answer your fear that you don’t know how to be.” 

“Right, if you help me with that, I don’t care who likes me.” 

“Let’s start with what else you know about yourself, that seems different from other friends your age. So far you are mostly thinking of your words.” 

“I am not sure but, as hard as it is to believe, I don’t think other kids, or adults for that matter, talk with animals.” 

“You are right. Most people miss that one completely.” 

“They must be so lonely.” 

“Yes, most people are, sadly, very lonely” 

“Why don’t they talk to animals?” 

“They sometimes talk to them but they don’t know that the animals talk back. Most have more fear of the animals than love for them.” 

“Ok, if talking to animals is part of being a witch, I sure am glad I get to be one.” 

“I am glad you are glad, because it is truly a wonderful gift. What else have you noticed.”

“Well, I have wanted to for years, but only lately does Mom let me make things of my own in the kitchen. When Dad comes home from work feeling frustrated or angry, I go into the kitchen and make him something and then he seems to feel better. Mom and Dad notice this but they think he just feels better cause I was nice to him. But I always think it is what I make for him. I don’t really get it but I have noticed something is going on.” 

‘You are right, something is going on. You are also surprisingly observant for an 8 year old.”

“Yeah I noticed that too. I do feel, I don’t know, just kind of different than other girls my age. Since I have been so quiet I have had a lot of time to just watch others and well, they all seem kind of, I don’t know what to say. It is like floaty or not empty but not quite full either. I hate to say it but I often feel that about adults as well.”

Did you know blue light can chuckle too? Well she did, but she agreed with me and thought it was a pretty good description. 

Then what she said felt really good to hear, “You have done a really good job getting to know yourself. You made the most important decision and you made it really early. You decided to believe in what you know is true, about you and about the animals. As you know there are many who will try hard to turn you away from believing you. Many witches have lost their way for many years. But you choose to believe in you. Now you need to trust you! 

Aaagghhhh. I was so happy in her presence I had kind of forgotten how I felt before she showed up. “Will you help me? Can you protect the world from me?” 

“The world does not need to be protected from you and yes, I will help, but not like you are hoping I will. You already made the most important decision. I didn’t do that for you. And I will stay close for a little while as you start to relax into talking again, reassuring you that you need not be afraid of yourself or your power.  

“But there is something else that you must figure out on your own. Just like you are able to know that animals can communicate with you, you will need to learn who you can trust. There are others like you. Some aware, some lost. You will need to learn when it is safe to share who you are with others. It is lonely not to be able to share. And You will be tempted to share when it is not safe, because you long to so much. But that same place in you that knows who you are, will also tell you who other people are. Only trust and share when you really know it is safe. I can help you a little in the beginning, but this is something you will need to learn yourself.” 

The blue light began to fade. “Nooooo. Don’t leave!” 

“I am here,” she assured me, “but you won’t always know it.”

I collapsed onto my bed, staring out the window at the moon, feeling so sad to have lost her. But sad couldn’t last long. Soon I was flooded with a joy I hadn’t felt in years! 

“I’m ok!,” I whispered to the night, “I am free and safe and real and Oh My Goodness I am a WITCH!!!!” A statement that first filled me with horror now feels very reassuring and exciting! 

‘This is going to be fun!!!”  

And now, here I am, 13 years later, on my 21st birthday, again looking in the mirror. Still trying to navigate the distance between what people think about witches and who I am. It has been a fun, and scary and frustrating 13 years. Of course, I learned there were limits to my power. One day there was a bully picking on a younger kid. Even though he was two years older than me, when I said really strong, “Stop hurting him.” Much to his surprise, he did. Turns out I was not able to stop the war on the other side of the world. I guess I knew that, cause if we could, us witches would have. Also, turns out no matter what I concoct in the kitchen, I cannot turn a mean person into a nice person.  

Just like Blue Light said, it has been pretty lonely. Once I moved out of home, to go to college, it has been even lonelier. I am pretty cautious so I don’t have a roommate and can’t date. How could I if I have to pretend all the time? I have over the years found a few people I could share with. There was a young girl in danger of losing herself because of what others said. I found her just in time and was able to help her believe in herself and trust herself. That felt really good. I keep my eyes open for girls, and women like that. I have found a few. 

There was an old woman at the farmers market. We recognized each other right away! That was wonderful. She was such a support to me through some really tough times. I was able to be with her and help her when it was time for her to leave her body, which was a great honor. But I miss her terribly. I could really use her here tonight. She did tell me she thought something important would happen for me when I turned 21. Well, here I am. And well…. My heart is pounding. Maybe….Maybe….

I look in the mirror, not just glad that I don’t look like a “Witch” but I actually hope I look more pretty than sweet and innocent. I’m pacing back and forth, changing outfits, looking in the mirror. Here is why! 

A week and a half ago I was walking in a park. It is near my home so I am quite close with several of the squirrels and rabbits there, and even the raccoons that come out at night. This park helps a lot when I’m missing my forest. 

I was quietly moving through the woods listening for one of my park friends to notice I was there and come to say hi. I heard a squirrel making what anyone else would have considered a racket. But I was pretty sure she was talking to someone. 

Then there she was, a woman. Not just any woman. She had long red hair, a face like an angel and, and, oh she was gorgeous. She was sitting there at the base of a cedar tree.

My hand raced to my mouth to quiet the gasp in my lungs. Then it slowly eased down to my heart as I gazed in awe. I held still, afraid to breathe, afraid I was making it up. Once I calmed down enough, I walked slowly toward them, and casually, silently, said hi to Ms Twirler, named for how fast she could circle a branch over and over again. 

The woman’s head whipped around to see where the “hello” had come from. Our eyes locked. Slowly, her eyes began to crinkle and her lips softened and turned up just a bit. I suspect mine did the same. My first thought was that of an excited child, ‘I found a new friend!!!’ Then another feeling inched its way into my gut. A feeling I had never felt before. A for real feeling of shy. All I could think of was how beautiful she was. 

I swear she was glowing when she patted the grass beside her as an invitation. Neither one of us knew what to say. So we sat in the most lovely, excruciating silence. Really, we didn’t need to say anything. It felt like everything was already known. 

After what felt like hours but it wasn’t, she said she was sorry but she had to leave or she would be late to her class. She told me her name was Summer Rose (of course, her name had to be Summer Rose) and asked me if I would come to her house for dinner. I didn’t tell her the date she chose was my 21st birthday. I felt like jumping up and down, I was so excited, but I just nodded and studied the ground as she wrote her address in the dirt. 

Before I even rang the bell I heard her dog, Jasper, Saying, “She is here. She is here!” When Summer Rose opened the door Jasper began jumping around excitedly saying, “I am really glad to finally meet you. I have heard of nothing else for days.” 

I glanced at Summer Rose. She was blushing as she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the dinning room. There were lights and streamers hanging in the doorway and in the middle of the table was a three layered chocolate cake with chocolate syrup swirling around on the whipped cream icing! A whole rainbow of candles (I later counted. Yup 21. )

Summer Rose, Jasper and Ms Twirler (who had been hiding in the chandelier) were all excited to show me everything they had prepared for my birthday.. They were each watching closely to see my response. The whole picture and the meaning behind it took a few moments to sift through to awareness. My mouth open, closed, open again, closed again, a couple tears found their way out of my eyes. 

Somehow, all shyness flew out the window. My mouth found hers. Our arms wound us together. 

Reluctantly, I pulled back, stared at her from arms length. Now everything makes sense. THIS is what a real witch looks like (and feels like too).