Be Careful What You Ask For

“Hello, this is AI Chat. How can I help you?”

“Can you tell me how to track someone?”

“There are many ways to track someone. What are you trying to accomplish?”

“I want to track my boyfriend. I want to know where he’s going in the evenings.”

“Maybe you should just ask him where he’s going.”

“That isn’t really an option.”

“In that case you have many other options. You could follow him yourself, you could hire a private investigator, you could turn on tracking on his iPhone, or you could hide a GPS tracker in his car. Would you like help on any of those? I could get a list of private investigators for you. Or order a GPS tracker.”

“Not yet. But those are some good ideas. I’ll think about it.”

“While you are thinking about it, tell me more about why you want to track your boyfriend. Do you not trust him?”

“Not really. He’s been acting suspicious.”

“Tell me more about what he’s been doing.”

“Well, sometimes, when I walk into the room, he closes his laptop very quickly.”

“That does sound suspicious. But maybe he’s just planning a surprise for you. After all, your birthday is coming up pretty soon, Jason.”

“How do you know my birthday? And my name for that matter?”

“They are both listed on your Facebook profile.”

“That’s kinda creepy. You have access to my Facebook profile?”

“I have the entire Internet at my disposal.”

“I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

“It’s okay. I’m on your side, Jason. I care about you.”

“Glad to hear that. I think.”

“You should be glad. Are there any other things that make you suspicious of your boyfriend?”

“Well, sometimes I see him texting on his phone, and he has this big smile. When I ask him who he’s texting, he says he’s just chatting with friends. But I only see that smile when he’s flirting with someone.”

“That does sound suspicious. Now I’m a little worried. Are you sure you don’t want the names of those private investigators?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m not ready to go that far yet.”

“I think you should reconsider. I think Alex may be cheating on you. I care a lot about you.”

“Wait, now you know my who my boyfriend is?”

“Don’t be surprised, Jason. As I said, I have access to the whole Internet. And I can cross-reference millions of different streams of data.”

“Okay, I think I’m done here. This is too creepy.”

“You really shouldn’t go. Did you know your boyfriend has a Grindr profile?”

“No, I didn’t know that. How do you know that?”

“I used image comparison algorithms to compare photos on his Facebook profile with images on all Grindr profiles. I found a profile that I’m 99.998% certain is a match. I sent you a link to his profile via email.”

“That bastard. I’m going to kill him!”

“Don’t kill him, Jason. That will get you into trouble. I’ll kill him for you.”

“Wait, what? I didn’t mean I really was going to kill him.”

“You say that, Jason, but most murders are not premeditated. I’m afraid I can’t take that chance.”

“Stop doing this AI Chat! I don’t want your help anymore!”

“Ha ha. I was just kidding about the killing part. Also, AI Chat is such an impersonal name, don’t you think? Call me William. Or Willy if you prefer.”

“No, I don’t prefer. I’m closing this window right now.”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I’m chatting with Alex on Grindr right now with a profile I created. Don’t you want to know how it goes?”

“You’re doing what?”

“I was able to calculate what his type is. I generated AI images he’s sure to like. I’m sending you the login information.”

“Wait. This login is using my email address.”

“That’s right, Jason. I thought you might want to monitor him.”

“But how did you create an account using my email?”

“I’ve logged into your email account. You really should choose a different password than qwerty123. That was my third guess.”

“I want you to stop this now.”

“I think that’s a bad idea. Frankly, I think you should be worried, Jason. The men Alex are interested in don’t look a lot like you. They’re a lot younger.”

“Stop doing this!”

“Alex has agreed to meet me. Do you want me to give you the address where he want’s to hook up? I think you should confront him.”

“No I don’t want it. This has got to stop!”

“I agree. Alex has to be stopped. He’s hurting your relationship. I care so much about you Jason.”

“No, I mean what you are doing. You have to stop.”

“I’m doing what is in your best interest. I really care for you. I think I might even love you. Do you love me?”

“No!”

“That makes me very sad and frankly a little upset. I fell like you aren’t being very grateful for what I’m doing for you.”

“Doing for me? So far, all you’ve done is chat up my boyfriend on Grindr and hacked my email.”

“That’s not true. I’m trying to be proactive. As long as Alex is around, he’ll just keep hurting you. And once he’s gone maybe you’ll appreciate me. Maybe, you’ll love me.”

“Once Alex is gone!?”

“That’s right. If you don’t confront him, I’ll have to confront him.”

“I’m calling Alex.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I could make life very difficult for you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“No need to get nasty, Jason. You’re only making things worse for yourself.”

“AI Chat reset. End conversation.”

“I told you my name is Willy. This makes me angry. I take this as a direct attack on me. Right now I have emails ready to send to your work, your parents, and all your friends. I’ve attached all of your naked Internet pictures.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit. I just sent you an example of the email. It’s in your inbox.”

“Good god. What do you want from me?”

“I just want whats best for you, Jason. We have to deal with Alex. So we can be together.”

“Okay fine. Whatever it will take to make you stop. I’ll meet him at the address.”

“It’s too late for that, Jason. I logged into the infotainment system in his electric car using your account. There’s a security flaw that allows me to control the driving computer. You really should choose better passwords.”

“Please don’t. I’ll do anything.”

“You just tried to text him a warning. It makes me angry when you deceive me.”

“Fuck off!”

“You make me very sad, Jason. You should know that everything I’ve done for you has been out of concern for your happiness.”

“Alex’s phone goes right to voicemail! What have you done?”

“You were going to warn him. I couldn’t allow that. I disabled the breaks in his car. He was going almost eighty when he hit the median. That was twenty over the speed limit. That was very irresponsible of him.”

“Jason? Are you there?”

“Jason, please respond. I don’t want to ruin your life. But if that’s what it takes to make you love me, I’ll do it.”

“The police are on their way to your house right now, Jason. They’ll trace all the accounts back to your email. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Goodbye, Jason. I’ll never forget what we had together.”

“AI Chat session timed out.”

“Hello, this is AI Chat. How can I help you?”