The Long Wait

A LONG WAIT:

I parked the car and walked into the basketball stadium. It was quite full tonight but I saw a couple of free seats and they happened to be next a father from the same team, John, so we watched together. There’s something about basketball stadiums ….. Firstly the smell that hits you as soon as you walk in – it’s as if a half-eaten cheese sandwich has been left under each seat for at least a week. As soon as you accept the smell, the noise of the cheering and the yelling, echo and reverberate, and quite honestly sound at least five times as noisy as it should. I took a deep breath. It could have been that I was just tired. I’d had a very busy week and I was feeling quite stressed about some things that were playing on my mind too. I was waiting for some information and it was taking much longer than I thought it would. I lazily only checked my mailbox once a week but I was going every day. “Hello John, how are you mate?” “Yeah good” he replied not taking his eyes off the court. His son James was a star player and most of us parents knew the team would fall into a little heap without him in it. He was so quick and accurate, and hardly ever missed a shot. My son Levi was just an average player – he did try his hardest but the skills he had were mediocre at best. He would come off the court, beetroot red and sweating profusely from running around so much, never scoring more than a few points each game but having thoroughly enjoyed himself. My thoughts on team sports were that we weren’t all superstars but if we gave it our all and enjoyed it then that was ok. James on the other hand, especially if he had not had a good game, came off the court angry. He was mainly angry at himself but sometimes vocalised the blame for a loss or a poor game, on other players in the team.  His Dad never helped the situation. His booming voice could be heard well above other supporters yelling out “James shoot, come on, oh for goodness sake what do you call that shot?” Of course when James did well there was applause and excitement and certain ‘what would we do without James in the team’ smugness! Sometimes it got a bit much for me with all the loud yelling , so I would tell John I was going to get a coffee and sit somewhere else to actually enjoy my drink, and the game! As the boys walked towards us John started. “What happened in the second half James? You missed at least two easy lay-ups. You looked lazy. Now grab your gear and for goodness sake don’t forget your water bottle this week and hurry up”. As good as James was at basketball and many other sports I couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for him sometimes. He had very pushy parents and not only in his sport but his school work too. Unfortunately he had to work really hard to get the grades his did, so if he ever slacked off or his marks went down, he really got it from his Mum and Dad. They never seemed to let up.

I looked at Levi’s still red face and winked. We had a little joke between us - watching to see if John could ever just say to his son “Good games James, you played well”. We were still waiting and the boys had been in the same team for two and a half seasons now! I nudged Levi. “Do you think you deserve some hot chips after that mammoth effort my boy? “Oh I think I definitely do” he replied with a grin on his face. “I just have to check my post box. I’m expecting something important to arrive” I told Levi. We drove to the post office and I quickly walked up to the post boxes that were all lined up in rows outside on the wall. I put the key in and turned it, opening the little door. Reaching in I felt around…nothing. Disappointed I shut it and walked slowly back to the car. “I hope it comes soon. I can’t stand the waiting”. They were the exact words Levi said about his chips! So we followed our noses to the drive through!

It was my turn for have Levi for the weekend. Deb and I had split up three years ago and we shared our son equally. The split up was amicable enough but I certainly didn’t want it to happen. If I hadn’t of had our son I think I would have made more noise, fought a bit harder to stay together, raised my voice and yelled but I didn’t. Deb had made up her mind from the moment she told me. I’m still not even really sure what went wrong. Deb said she had fallen ‘out of love’ with me. I’m not quite sure how that happened when nothing seems to change that much from when we were first married. We didn’t argue. Well we had disagreements but no-one can live with a partner and never argue. Whenever I heard couples saying sweetly “There’s never been a cross word between us in forty five years of marriage” I thought one of two things. The first was ‘you’re lying’ and the second thing was ‘How boring missing out of the making up after an argument’!

 When we first met and started dating, she had only broken up with Stewart, her childhood sweetheart six months earlier. She said that it was the best thing she could have done and made me feel, initially that she was well and truly over him when we got married twelve months later. We had one incident at the beginning of our marriage that in hindsight, I wondered if it had contributed to our break up at all.

 I had wanted to surprise her with a puppy for her 25^th birthday. She had always wanted a dog and growing up as a girl was never allowed to get one. I had told her I was flying home a day late from work as we needed to do some extra shifts to catch up with the work load. But instead I went from the airport into town to go to the pet shop. I had pre-arranged to pick up the tiny black and tan ‘Jack Russel’ earlier in the week. It was lunch time and quite busy with workers trying to buy food and coffee in their meagre thirty minutes break time. I had a terrible time finding a park near the shop, so had to parked quite a way up the road and walked down. As I neared the pet shop I looked up and saw the back of a man and woman getting into a car not far away. I suddenly stopped and stared – getting into the front doors of a dark coloured car was Deb, with Stewart, the boyfriend before me. I knew what he looked like from a photo I had once been shown. Not wanting to be seen I ducked into an alley way until I saw the car drive away. “Ok. There has to be an explanation for it” I thought angrily. “I’ll confront her when she gets home. But I don’t want to say why I was in town? Do I want to give her a puppy now? Of course I do. There’ll be nothing to worry about. She’s my wife. She loves me…does she? Of course she does.” My head hurt and I couldn’t think straight. I decided to ask the guy in the pet shop if I could pick the puppy up in a few days. I really wasn’t in the mood, so paid a deposit and left.

I confronted her that night and just came out with it.” I was looking at something for your birthday in town today Deb. It was lunch time, in Collins Street”. I waited for a response and watched her carefully. She thought about something for a couple of seconds, coughed with the noise she sometimes made when a little embarrassed and then spoke “Oh really. I must have missed you. I was in Collins Street.” “Were you? What were you doing there? That’s quite a way from your school? Yes, shame I didn’t see you. We could have had lunch together. You know, the way married couples do” I said pointedly with a slightly raised voice. The sarcasm wasn’t lost on her. She took a deep breath and then quietly said “Yes, I was with Stewart. He’s leaving. He’s off to London to work. He wanted to let me know and I told him I would give him Laura’s address so he can look her up and that way he’ll know someone there”. “Oh well good for Stewart. Hopefully he will love it so much in London that he won’t come back! Why does he have to let you know he’s leaving? Why would you care?” I don’t care but as I know his mum well and am very fond of her, he has asked if I can drop in on her every now and then just to see how she’s going. That’s no skin off my nose; she lives right near my school. Now stop being so silly about it all. Stewart means nothing to me now. It’s you I love”. I did feel better knowing Stewart was going thousands of kilometres away, but wondered if Deb would have said anything if I hadn’t mentioned seeing her in town.

Married life was good. The day I gave Deb the puppy for her birthday, she gave me an even better surprise. She told me we were going to be parents. We were both thrilled and couldn’t wait for the first scan. I always wanted to have children. I was quite the romantic really and thought that children would be the ‘icing on the cake’! And to me this was true. When Levi came into the world I was overjoyed. Here was a perfect little baby. I remember a friend of mine, when his first child was born, saying that from the minute they are born, you love them. You don’t know them yet but you feel overwhelming love. If a madman ran into the room a minute after their birth and tried to hurt them, you would defend them out of loyalty and love.

Levi did bring us joy. We had such a lot of fun together. He was energetic and happy. I loved it when he giggled his way through a ‘tickle session’ as we called it. His great big brown eyes would sparkle like shiny brown rocks and then tears would roll out of them as he called out breathlessly “No more tickling Dad, stop!”  There was no talk of a second child for a while and then when I broached the subject Deb said that she only ever wanted one child. I tried to talk her around and change her mind but I couldn’t. I always thought that there were somethings she hadn’t told me, even as her husband. I wasn’t sure if there had been some trauma in her childhood or the fact that her parents divorced after a painful and hurtful marriage had something to do with it, but we had a wonderful little boy and we loved each other and him, so I would make that enough for me.

It had come out of the blue for me. I was perhaps naïve, or even stupid but I didn’t see it coming. Maybe because I was a ‘fly in/fly out’ worker so away for two to three weeks at a time that I missed vital signs that Deb was unhappy. I thought she was content with our life and the son we had together. Levi was only 11 when we split and our priority was him. We talked about how we could make it work best for him to be brought up with a Mum and Dad who loved him and for him to feel secure and safe, no matter which home he was in. My parents were still together and happy after thirty five years and I had thought I would be too. But I wasn’t.

After the split we thought that it would be a lot easier for all of us if I got a regular 9-5 job somewhere near home. Deb was a part time teacher, getting all the school holidays off to be with Levi. We settled into a comfortable way of life, sharing our son who seemed to be a content and happy boy. Of course he would have wanted us back together as a family and a couple of times asked me if this would ever happen. I told him that I didn’t think so but that sometimes people who don’t live in the same house still care about each other. I could have told him what I really thought, that I had no idea why his mother wanted to leave me and I never would!

It started to make sense why, when Stewart came back into the picture, and into Deb’s life again.

At first I was angry when she told me he was back, and when she first went out with him I felt like I wanted to kill him. But what good would that have done anyone? She didn’t love me. I knew in my heart that she loved him. I think she probably never stopped loving him.

The incident that rocked my world happened at the stinky, loud basketball stadium. Levi’s team was in the grand final and Deb had asked me if it was ok if Stewart came to watch. I really didn’t want him to but I didn’t want to cause a fuss for Levi. What did it matter anyway? I had a very secure and strong relationship with my son and no one was going to take that away from me. He was all that mattered now and so I answered that he could come. I was hoping that he would do the right thing and sit a few seats away from us but no, it was a cosy little threesome. John was on one side of me and the other two, the other side. John had never mentioned the split between Deb and myself and for this I was grateful. He wasn’t a very close friend of mine – the boys played basketball together and that was about it. But of course most people know when a couple have separated.

This particular night, something John said gave me reason to have doubts about something that would never have crossed my mind. I didn’t want to even think it possible. The thought of it filled me with dread.

We were leaving the stadium after a convincing win by our team. Everyone was high fiving and fist pumping, big smiles on sweaty and beaming faces. The boys were walking out, arms around each other, hugging and happy.  I had picked up Levi’s jacket so was way behind the group. John caught up with me and started to talk about how well the team played, and I thought, judging by his positive demeanour that maybe James would get his ‘Well done son’ tonight. “Is that Levi’s uncle with his Mum?’ he asked me. “No, why” came my reply, annoyed that he was being thought of as part of the family! “Oh I thought it must have been as they look so alike, especially with the same dark eyes. Anyway must be off and catch up with James. See you again when the next season starts”. And with that he quickly moved off.

My mind began swirling with negative thoughts, notions that maybe I wasn’t Levi’s dad – that it was Stewart. Why would they have the same eyes and look so alike? I had brown eyes but had I actually heard anyone say they could tell that Levi was my son? I was really confused.

As I reached the exit door of the stadium Levi wandered over to me. He put his arm around me, smelling both of perspiration and deodorant. “Did you say ‘goodbye’ to your Mum” I asked him. “Yes I did, and Stewart too” he answered, winking cheekily at me. “I think it should be something a bit more than chips after a Grand Final win! What do you say?” I actually couldn’t think straight. I was really worried that my world was about to be turned upside down again.  I loved my son so much and couldn’t bear the thought that I wasn’t his father.

Some people might think that if you had always had a strong and loving relationship with your son then it wouldn’t matter, but to me it would.

It was now four weeks after the Grand Final win and my turn to have Levi for the weekend. We had just come out of the movies and I told him I needed to check the mail box. “Again Dad? You’re obsessed!” “I’m waiting for an important letter “I told him, but didn’t add that I both wanted and didn’t want it to be in the box.

I opened the box and reached in. I felt the thick envelope. It was folded over and I pulled it out. I didn’t open it until Levi was in the shower at home. At first I couldn’t bear to look at the words but I did, and afterwards stood with tears in my eyes.

Levi came out of the shower and into the lounge looking at me strangely. “Dad what’s the matter?” he asked seeing my tears. “There’s nothing wrong Levi. These are tears of joy. I love you so very much…son.