The Words of a Village Idiot

Eli: "The hopper goes to the beans."

Kayla: "What?"

Eli: "The hopper goes to the beans. It is quite simple."

Kayla: "What is a hopper, Eli? And no, it isn't simple."

Johnny: "Well, Kayla. A hopper is a tiny haired animal that jumps up on it's two little feet."

Kayla: "So, a bunny?"

Eli: "NO!"

Kayla: "What is so wrong with a bunny? I mean, they hop on their feet."

Johnny: "Kayla. 'Bunny' is a curse word!"

Kayla: "Really? I'm skeptical."

Johnny: "But you don't even have glasses."

Eli: "Yeah, Johnny is right. I mean, are you not supposed to have glasses if you are skeptical?"

Kayla: "Okay, you two are confused. Skeptical means you are unsure about something. Spectacles are glasses."

Eli: "Okay. I'm SO sarsaparilla right now."

Johnny: "I think you meant expired."

Eli: "Oh yeah! That IS what I meant!"

Kayla: "You two are both SO WRONG. You meant exasperated. Like I am with you."

Eli: "Johnny, I think Kayla really needs some beans right now."

Johnny: "Yeah, me too."

Kayla: "What?"

Eli: "Well, beans are tiny things doctors give you when you need to chill out."

Kayla: "Oh my gosh, you are a MORON. Those are PILLS."

Johnny: "No. A pill is how you get pickles to be so good."

Eli: "Yeah. Like pill pickles."

Kayla: "One, it's dill pickles. Two, I am done with this conversation."

*** Kayla leaves the room, with Eli and Johnny staring at each other, very confused. Eli and Johnny leave and go to the grocery store, meeting up with their friend Mike ***

Eli: "Ogres are just furless squirrels."

Mike: "What?"

Johnny: "Eli, that isn't right. You meant that ogres are furless hippos."

Eli: "Thanks, Johnny. You always know the right thing to say."

Mike: "Guys? Hippos are already hairless."

Eli: "Um. Mike. When did you get here?"

Mike: "I've been here. I mean, you guys literally just walked up to me."

Mike: "Kayla called me earlier. She said you two were talking about some sort of hopping thing going to get some beans?"

Eli: "Yeah. I was telling her about Hobbie, and that he was going to buy some beans."

Johnny: "No. You said that Copper was going to the marines."

Eli: "I don't know anymore."

Mike: "Well, do you guys wanna go see a movie or something? I mean, Fairy Tale Projection iii is out in the theater now."

Eli: "What are we, 55?"

Johnny: "Yeah. We should see a movie more for our age. We're only 17. We should watch Shrek."

Mike: "Guys. I hate to break it to you, but Shrek is a old man movie."

Eli: "SHUT UP! IT IS NOT!"

Johnny: "Eli. My sister watches Shrek. She's 28."

Eli: "Isn't that the movie with the ogre guy and the donkey?"

Johnny: "No, I think that's Bella Enchanted."

Mike: "Okay, see ya. I'm leaving."

Eli: "Bye Corbin!"

Mike: "I'm Mike!"

Johnny: "Who?"

*** Mike leaves the store, leaving Johnny and Eli alone again. The boys decide to go to Eli's house ***

Johnny: "Wow. Your house is so big!"

Eli: "I know it is. I mean, 2 rooms? It's gigantic!"

Johnny: "Super gigantic. I mean, my house only have 14 rooms and 3 bathrooms."

Eli: "Aw. I feel so bad. That is such a small number."

Johnny: "And we only have 3 maids. I mean, who only has 3 maids?!"

Eli: "YOU HAVE MAIDS? You must be SUPER lazy."

Johnny: "Well, I'm sorry. I just like having time to myself to play video games."

Eli: "What kind of games do you play?"

Johnny: "Well, I generally play Monopoly."

*** Eli goes into the kitchen, prepping some food ***

Eli: "You want some food?"

Johnny: "Yeah. I'm wrecked. I mean, I haven't eaten in 2 hours."

Eli: "Two hours? That is SUCH a long time!"

Johnny: "I know, right? It's SO crazy. Where's my food?"

Eli: "Here you go! It's some food from my little brothers' cooking set."

Johnny: "This is plastic."

Eli: "No. It's gourmet."

Johnny: "Okay, then."

Eli: "I'm gonna go mow the grass. Be back in a bit!"

*** Eli goes outside and comes back 4 hours later ***

Johnny: "Eli, what happened? You're covered in red circles!"

Eli: "Well yeah. I had to mow the lawn. See?"

Johnny: "Eli. That is a leaf blower."

Eli: "My arms were hairy, and I had to get the hair off!"

Johnny: "Um, genius much? I mean, you are like, the smartest guy I know."

Eli: "Thank you, Johnny."

Johnny: "Wait. I thought you said you were mowing the grass?"

Eli: "Yeah. My arm hair is like grass. I had to mow it off with the leaf mower."

*** Kayla and Mike come into the house ***

Kayla: "Is that a leaf blower?"

Eli: "Nope. It's a leaf mower."

Johnny: "Yeah. Eli just went genius mode on me."

Mike: "How so? I mean, you two are literally the town idiots."

Eli: "Aw. Thank you. That is such a nice compliment."

Mike: "Kayla. Can you help me here? Please?"

Kayla: "Guys. Being an idiot is not a compliment. It means you only have like, three brain cells."

Eli: "I actually took a test, and it said that I only have one brain cell."

Johnny: "YOU HAVE THREE BRAIN CELLS?!?!"

Eli: "No. I have one."

Johnny: "YOU HAVE ONE BRAIN CELL!?!?!"

Eli: "I know. I'm like, a genius."

Kayla: "Oh my gosh, guys. I have 975 brain cells, and they are being WASTED on you."

Johnny & Eli: "YOU HAVE 975 BRAIN CELLS?!?!?!?"

Mike: "You shouldn't have told them."

Kayla: "I can tell that NOW."

Mike: "Bye guys."

Johnny & Eli: "BYE KAYLA AND CORBIN!"

Mike: "MY NAME IS MIKE FOR THE LAST STINKING TIME!"

*** Kayla and Mike leave ***

Johnny: "I gotta get home. My parents are calling me, and I don't want to answer."

Eli: "Okay. Bye Johnny!"

Johnny: "Bye!"

*** Johnny leaves ***

Eli: "I wonder what the hopper is doing right now."