Kicked while down

People don't seem to understand why I don't tell them things. You know they wont understand and that they won't be able to comprehend how many emotions you are going through.

Whether it's shame from bad things you've done, or the bad thoughts that creep in at night time cause your so lonely.

you could have the best relationship, but somethings you just cant say.

This time, my best friend and coworker, Avery, she says "You were ALWAYS terrible!" After my engagement gets cancelled, by him. She said "What did you do?!" I cant eat or sleep and apparently its my fault that he said "We aren't for each other anymore!"

you can only be vulnerable when they are too, sharing in pains, but not when it;s all been going well for them, right? or do I have bad friends? I don't know, I keep running it all over, sleepless nights, anxiety, fear of being left by everyone I know and depression, constantly always pulling me down.

i skip work for 3 days till I have to go in, all i say when other coworkers ask about why I skipped, is "Some personal things came up." "Oh, I'm sorry." they say.

Avery watches from the other side of the store. I have to get something so all I do is say “can you hand me one of the pans.” even though what i’d like is to tell her how wrong it is to kick me while i was down. “So what,” she says, “you are really not going to talk to me? you know this is why Caitlynn stopped talking and responding to your texts, you have always been so rude."

Doesn't she get it? the only times i told her what she wanted when she needed opinions. so why tell her anything? It's down putting to try to get people who've never been in your situation to understand it. leaving it doesn't stop it, but it does temporarily put it aside.

So, you see, that's what I did.

I've gone through much more than just this break up, or this friend not comforting me when that's all i wanted, I was a drug baby, where it messed my brain and i was a slow learner because of the drugs my mom used when she was pregnant with me. dad is a pedophile, and had raped one of my sisters from him, which in return made his son hate him, and in retrospect, made that brother hate me and our other sister from our dad. he hadn't tried staying in any lives. that's fine, and that's probably for the best. My mom passed away when i was 10, making it hard to discover who i was, i couldn't ask her anything, and with my dad gone too, i went through lots of mental and emotional abuse from my half sister of my mom's side who raised me the last 8 years of growing up. I found out about my dad only after that.

you go to school to be told what to do when maybe all you want is a friend, through thick and thin, all you get is a metaphorical slap for wanting anything but collage or a full career right off the bat. Don't get me wrong, some people could do it, the whole collage and career right after graduating, it isn't me.

I still have no clue where my future is going to lead me, or who most of my family is. Avery has her family and she's currently married, after an even shorter time being with him, than when i was engaged. to my guy. It seems bold of her to assume it had been my fault, the things i'd tell her would help if she would've listened, and usually she'd tell me later that i had been right. i never pushed it in her face and said " i told you so." i would nod, you know, she'd act like i didn't know anything, but i did, alot more than her, no hate in that, and that's not a bad thing, she can still learn, but it's much easier if you don't just learn from experience, more by words, i may be broken and selfish sometimes, but that doesn't mean i am not human, but if i brought this up, things could ruin our friendship even more, i stay mad, silent treatment sucks, but sometimes it helps a person reason.

If she could understand, this would be easier. Maybe she will but I don't think we'll see that for a while. last time she got mad about me telling her something that would help her, she didn't talk till I said anything, months later. I even wrote a song about her doing this. a person can only sympathize with me not empathize. there's barely reason to say the things we really think. And besides, some things are best left unsaid. If i could, i would change how badly others treat people, cause it feels like there's too much judgement, when you don't know whats going on with someone. you wouldn't want someone to tell you that you'r terrible, so why say it to someone you don't know could be going through bad depression or suicidal thoughts.

Avery pulls me aside after our shifts end, "I'm sorry, all of that was uncalled for. just let me know when your feeling better, and we'll talk."

But what do i say to someone who does this? she kicked me while i was down, and now i have more unforgiving thoughts to add to the chaos of the break up. Bottling it will never help, but maybe this is okay? cause I don't want to pressure her into feeling like i suck for talking about myself? i over think it all as i get home. This is when i wish i could talk to my mom. considering she can't tell me anything to help, this feels ironic, it's what silence has been for a while, for me at least, not saying what you want, for the sake of everything around.