A Canine's Guide to Keeping Your Humans at Home

Training a human takes time and patience.  Lucky for us doggos, we have both in spades.

This guide will offer you some helpful tips and tricks, field tested by yours truly.  Results may vary.  As I am sure you are aware, humans are exceedingly tricky to train and some will require extra effort in order to achieve the desired results.

I have used a number of techniques since coming to live with my humans, in an attempt to train them to stay at home with me. Because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to stay home with such a loving and entertaining doggo?  At first, they were very resistant to change and insisted on going to The Work almost every day, even when I let them know in no uncertain terms that I simply NEEDED them at home. 

That is when I formulated a plan and initiated their intensive training regime. 

First up was Hide the Shoes.  

When humans are getting ready to go to The Work, they are always in a hurry.  They run around the house saying things like, “Frank, where did you leave the car keys?” and “Janice, have you seen my glasses?”.  And I quickly learned that humans get very angry when they have finally found their car keys and glasses (which are always right where they left them), and then cannot find their shoes.  Especially if those shoes have just the tiniest bit of doggo spit and quite possibly the laces are a little frayed from the nibbling. Then they say things like, “Bad dog, Noodle!” and “What am I supposed to wear for my big meeting now?  Crocs?”  

So I do not play the Hide the Shoes game with them anymore.

Next, I tried Noodle Is So Hungry.

This is when I arrange myself in a dramatic pose on the kitchen floor so that the humans nearly trip over me when they come downstairs for breakfast.  This particular game is most effective when a doggo also knows how to moan mournfully - which this doggo has mastered. You must be careful not to look too mournful however, or the humans might mistake this for being sick and then they will take you to the Very Scary Vet.  And no doggo wants that.  

With just the right amount of moaning and some very sad faces, the humans will hopefully decide to stay home with the doggo and make him a nice breakfast.  Maybe Crunchy Bacon and Yummy Eggs cooked with extra bacon grease. But sadly, this game did not work for me either. After tripping over me several times, the humans started saying things like, “It’s too early for this, Noodle.  Just let me have my coffee in peace.” and “Fine, fine. I’ll get you some kibble.” Even though kibble was clearly not what this doggo needed. And they left for The Work anyway, without feeding their Very Hungry Dog some Crunchy Bacon.

And so, it was time to enact Plan Number 3: Howling At the Front Door.

Humans do not like the howling, and I usually save my howling for times of dire need.  Which, obviously, this was. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

A doggo must choose the perfect time to start the howling.  It is best to let your humans put on their shoes while you snuffle around with your head low and maybe try a bit more mournful moaning.  Remember - just a little bit. Don’t lay it on too heavy. And then, when the humans are reaching for the door knob, you let out your first well-placed howl.  I recommend pointing your nose to the ceiling and squeezing your eyes tightly shut for effect. It is the hope that, when you peek through half-closed eyelids, the humans are taking off their shoes and getting ready to give their doggo a day filled with petting and belly rubs.  

If this does not work initially, the howling must get louder so that your humans can hear it through the door as they walk away without their beloved doggo.  This will make them very sad, and they will not want to leave for The Work anymore.

Humans can be very slow learners sometimes.  I howled louder as they walked down the front steps and, unbelievably, they got into their cars and left for The Work while I was clearly very mournful and in need of a good belly rub.

Plan number four, luckily, never needed to be put into action.  Which was probably for the best since, had it backfired, Noodle would have been called a Very Bad Boy for a Very Long Time.  And this would have made Noodle very sad and mournful.

But, guess what?  Plan number three must have worked, because Janice and Frank have stayed home for a whole week now!  One glorious, glorious week!

They still do The Work, but mostly in their pyjamas at the kitchen table.  I know that Janice’s feet are always cold in the morning, so I have made it My Important Job to sit on top of them while she drinks her morning coffee.  And I have found that, if I rest my head on Frank’s knee while he is reading The News, he rubs my head in lovely circles and slips me little pieces of crunchy bacon.

Sometimes I am just so happy to have my people at home that I let out a joyful howl.  Janice and Frank usually cover their ears and tell me to “Stop right now!”, but I can tell they love it.

Training continues - a doggo’s work is never done.  I have begun subtly placing tennis balls in key locations, just to remind them how much I enjoy playing fetch in the yard every now and again.  Thus far, they do not seem to be getting the message, but my humans are a work in progress and so I will continue to persevere.

My fellow doggos - I wish you the best of luck. 

It takes hard work and determination to train your human, but the end results are most certainly worth it.

I highly recommend beginning your human training with the Howling At The Front Door technique, as it was so successful for me.  Hopefully this will make your humans feel so sad that they will never want to leave you again. I guarantee this will make you do a Joyful Howl.