What a Month

TW: death, suicide

The Month was June and the worst month of my entire life. The month of May was a terrible lead up month but nothing like how I felt throughout June. My life wasn’t exactly caviar and chocolates – I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, as the saying goes. There was no fanfare or ‘welcome to the new bundle of joy’ balloons swirling around when I popped out – just an alone single mother whose family disowned here when they found out I was on the way. The little life growing inside my mother was unaware that she was causing more disruption and rifts to one family than I’ve ever heard of since my dear mother told me her story. I remember crying with her as she recalled the loneliness of sitting at home in a single bedsit, feeling movement and life growing inside her knowing she was the shame of the family. And after I was born in the rundown brown brick hospital they still didn’t care. There was no remorse for their behaviour; the nasty names they had verbally spat out were never taken back. My mother had moved away to have me so as well as no family there were no friends either. She had described the hospital room that she had shared with three other women as a dark, dull box. Faded curtain surrounded each bed; the once colourful flowers printed on them now a pale outline only. The others had husbands and children visiting with teddies, flowers and lots of hugs, but us two, mum and I, had no one. The metal bedside cabinet remained empty of gifts or cards and looked like how the new mother felt.

We survived and just got on with life. We had each other and the basic necessities. I did feel much loved by the sometimes sad and tired person who worked two jobs so we were both clothed and fed and had a roof over our head – albeit a roof that needed buckets put underneath its ceiling when the rain came.

But good fortune doesn’t always come along for the people who need it. My mother got really sick and we were told it was the dreaded ‘C’…cancer – and hoped that with good medical care and a lot of luck Mum would beat it. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be – the medical care was good but Lady Luck didn’t come our way and Mum passed away after a short tussle with an aggressive cancer.

I was lost without my best friend and the one constant in my life. But as I knew only too well….with life you sink or swim, and I swam.

When I met the only other person, after my mother, who I felt truly loved me, unconditionally and freely, I decided that life was once again good. It had taken me a few years to feel like doing anything other than work – and an occasional lone outing to the movies or a walk along the beach.

I could never understand how people could be bored – I loved reading and gardening and when the spirit was willing, baking. The one problem with baking for one was that most baking trays, even the smallest were for at least four serves, so after a while, it was a toss-up between much less baking or buying clothing a size bigger!

Paul showed me a different side to life – he made me realise that being so insular confined a person to a very lonely and sad life. Introducing me to his friends opened up the old dark brown cardboard box I was trapped in and pushed me into a kaleidoscope of colour – a light bubble floating through each day, week, month and then year. He was away quite a bit with his job but as the saying goes ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and he was only away for a few days at a time.

I hadn’t laughed very much before I met Paul. I didn’t do a lot in my narrow life that warranted much mirth being displayed. My mother and I did have times when we giggled like a couple of young girls at something usually so simple that to others it wouldn’t have been funny at all, but when I was with Paul we could end up rolling around on the floor shrieking out loud and I would be coughing with tears rolling down my cheeks.

He not only brought a new meaning to living but opened up my mind to situations and places that I would ordinarily never have thought to get involved in or go to. We went for an overseas trip that because everything was so different from my previous life, I could really only exclaim the beauty and fascination of with ‘ooow’s and ‘aaah’s’.

I learnt to ski on fluffy powdery snow in the mountains – it was exhilarating and exhausting and we would end the day red cheeked, tired, and damp from falling into the white softness so often but laughing as we recalled the events of the day.

The simple pleasure of walking through lush gardens, coffee in hand, pointing out the eye-catching colours and shapes of different plants, such as the brilliant and majestical purple delphiniums and magnolia trees from which a pungent and sometimes over powering fragrance drifted was both rewarding and relaxing.

I now understood what it meant to live an enjoyable and interesting life. For the first time I felt a part of the community where we lived and all associated with it, and with this brought contentment to my life. Paul was such a positive person. He had many mantras which he lived by – his favourite one being ‘If you do your very best in everything then you can never feel like a failure’.

But it all came crashing down. All it took was a month, and the few years I had of feeling  joy and immense happiness was gone.

I remember the date exactly – the first of May. Paul was going away on a work trip. It was for three weeks and was a big deal. It meant a massive contract for the company that would result in quite a few years of locked in mining ventures. He seemed excited and although he had been having a few lengthier trips away lately, this was the longest we would have been apart. I felt very happy for him as a successful trip would result in opportunities for us to travel a lot together and this excited me too.

I dropped him at the bustling airport and came home to a house that was quiet – I really didn’t like us being apart I thought how long the three weeks were going to feel.

The night he arrived at the accommodation he was staying at we had a long chat on the phone – I could tell it had been a long flight and he was tired by his tone but I understood. He had a very busy schedule and between the long work days and the time difference he said that it might be a bit tricky to talk each day but he would try to make the time.

It’s strange how much another person in your life being away makes such a difference to your mindset…on a scale of 1 – 10 regarding making an effort to ‘do things’ on your own, I was way down at number 2 and next to that number should have been written ‘Can’t be bothered’! I missed Paul so much and was always thankful that I had him in my life. It wasn’t that I was a person always feeling sorry for myself, in fact I never did but with Paul I realised just what I had been missing out on.

I didn’t hear much from him as he said but we managed to chat a couple of times. I could sense there was a lot going on and knew that it was extremely important that Paul impressed the ‘big bosses’. After a couple of weeks the fun and frivolity that usually sprang from his words wasn’t there – in its place was dullness and no matter how hard he tried to change the tone he couldn’t. I tried not to take it to heart and thought about when he came home and how much fun we would have.

He was due to fly home the next week and I had arranged to pick him up from the airport on a Sunday evening, which I did. I saw his tall lean figure coming down the escalator and as soon as he walked through the glass door ran to him. But there wasn’t the warmth, the bear hug, the ‘I’ve missed you so much’ look in his eyes that I expected. He did hug me and kissed me on the top of my head telling me how much he had missed me.

“Hello Paul. How was the flight? I bet you’re tired. Let’s hope the luggage carousel isn’t too full. Was the plane packed?” I gushed, too quickly and sounding nervous because of not knowing why he was like this.

“No it was half empty. We shouldn’t have to wait too long for my bags. I’m really tired, it’s been a very long three weeks” he replied without actually looking at me”.

“Paul is something wrong?” I asked

“No why would you say that? Like I said, I’m just tired”.

I didn’t say too much on the journey home. I would just give him time to adjust to being back and feeling shattered from all the work. We went to bed early but I heard him up in the night – probably because of the time difference, although he was on his phone sounding angry and I wondered who to.

He told me that he was given a week off because he had been working so hard. The spark seemed to have gone out of him and I felt as if I was with someone I could have known before I met Paul – someone quiet and passionless, insular and anxious – just as I once was.

He came around a little bit and seemed on his way back to being his old self during the next week but I still felt as if something wasn’t quite right. I was beginning to worry that he had someone else, maybe a woman he met while he was away. One weekend when we were both sitting in the bright sunshine out the back Paul said in a quiet voice that he had something to tell me. My breathing began to quicken and I felt a knot in my stomach.

Turning to face me and with a pale hue to his face he began, “Sara, I have something to tell you. I haven’t been completely honest with you but I can’t live this lie anymore. It’s not fair on you and I can’t live knowing that I’ve let not only myself down but you too” he said quietly looking at me with a sadness written on his face that I had never seen before.

My stomach was now churning and I realised that I was sitting with my mouth actually open. The shock of what was to come seemed to be covering my mind with a film – making my thoughts fuzzy.

“Paul you have someone else don’t you?” I asked him looking into his dark eyes and now I began to cry.

“No, no, never. I wouldn’t ever

 do that to you Sara. I love you.”

“What is it Paul I screamed at him “You’re not making any sense at all. What’s happened? Look at me and tell me” I pleaded with him grabbing his hands in mine.

“I lost the contract” was all he said and then wiped away tears from his eyes. I had never seen Paul unhappy, ever, let alone cry.

“It doesn’t matter Paul. Don’t be upset. I thought you had someone else. We can work it out together. I’m sure you can make amends and get other contracts for the company?’

“You don’t understand Sara. We’ve been working on this major contract for such a long time It meant so many jobs for people who needed work, it meant money not only for the company but the area, the country. I messed up. I didn’t do enough to secure the contract. I should have put more effort in to it. I failed Sara. I don’t think I can live with it” he finished with in a voice hardly audible.

“Don’t be silly Paul. I need you. I need the Paul I know, and the person who brought me from an empty and loveless life to a positive and complete one.I couldn’t have done that on my own and I can’t be what I am without you. Please Paul don’t let this change you. Remember your favourite saying about doing your best?”

“Well I didn’t do my best, that’s just it. If I had of then we would have the contract”.

Looking back at that period of my life I would never in a million years have thought that failing to secure a work contract would lead to Paul changing. It meant so much to him that nothing and no one could tell him differently. He became withdrawn and anxious, losing confidence in everything he did. He said there was no point in trying to get another job after his company had ‘let him go’. He spent most of his time at home in front of the television and I was the one going out to work.

It was the 7^th June.

A month even worse than May because I lost the only thing I had in life worth losing.

The note was on the hall table and I saw it as soon as I got in from work. Paul’s handwriting was scrawled across the front of the envelope. It read “I love you”. Inside he told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. To me it would always be the other way around. He asked for my forgiveness. “You deserve true happiness” he had written. But I knew that my only true happiness had just died.