Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Okay. First, I never thought I’d journal or keep a diary or anything like that, but my therapist says she thinks it will help me sort through my thoughts and feelings. We’ll see. She’s not the first therapist to tell me this. The therapists I’ve seen in the past have told me I’m “always up in my head” or “I need to get my thoughts and feelings out”. I do think a lot, and perhaps have a tendency to keep my feelings to myself, but, I really don’t see how keeping a diary is supposed to help. I don’t know what I’m doing with this anyway. I’m actually calling you “Diary”. Is that lame, or what? 

Secondly, I never know what to write in these things. I‘ve tried to keep a diary in the past but was never able to keep up with it, so … If I come up with a catchy theme or some kind of routine for writing in here maybe I’ll stick with it. I am big on routines, so, maybe that will help. Hm. A catchy theme? I can’t think of one off hand, I’ll have to give it some more thought. It will take some imagination but I hope I can come up with some way to make this work. I need something to work. I’m in therapy for a reason, for God’s sake!

See, I already feel stupid about this. I’m writing in here as if I’m talking to someone; as if you’re a real person. But, maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be? Maybe you’re supposed to be like another “person” to talk to? I don’t really have that many people that I talk to. I have some coworkers that I go out for drinks with every other Friday and about one hundred friends on social media. And there’s always my therapist but, she doesn’t really count. I mean, she count’s but I don’t use my time in sessions to talk about everything I want to talk about. If I talked about the main thing I really WANT to talk about, I’d talk about the guy at work that I like. But I figure if I’m going to therapy I should talk about things like my mother or what my childhood was like. My therapist said I could talk about anything, but talking about a crush kinda feels irresponsible; like a waste of time.

But, I think it’s more than a crush! I think about David (his name is David) all the time. My heart hurts when I look at him at work. Also, when he was sick the other week it was my idea to send his dinner delivered. We signed the virtual card “From the Office” but I collected all the money, placed the order and made sure he received the delivery. I would‘ve taken it to him myself if I could have. I guess I could have, except we aren’t close and he doesn’t seem to notice me. Maybe he knows I exist but he doesn’t see me the way I see him. Ya know? But, that could be my fault. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a little shy. (Maybe that’s why I keep my thoughts to myself?) Especially when I like someone I find it hard to talk to them. It’s like I lack the confidence. I think of the time when I was in second grade (am I the only one who can remember that far back?) I had this teacher that I really admired. I wanted to do anything to make her proud of me. There was one time that I raised my hand to answer a question, so certain that I knew the answer. When I gave the answer she laughed at me. So then other people laughed. It was so embarrassing and I’ve never forgotten the incident or the feeling (obviously). The teacher wasn’t trying to be cruel, I realize that now, even though at the time I had burst out in tears. She had tried to console me, saying she just thought what I had said was “cute”, but it didn’t matter. She had laughed at me, my class had laughed at me. It was humiliating. I decided then and there that it was safer not to talk. So, I don’t talk, I don’t engage people. So, if David doesn’t see me, that could be my fault. We’ve talked before and everything but it always seems like I’m the one that runs out of things to say or I have to go or whatever. 

Maybe it shouldn’t matter though … how he sees me, I mean. If I see him for who he is and can see how kind and smart and funny he is, then maybe I should say something to him. Sometimes it takes just a little effort for someone to realize they want to get to know you. It’s happened in friendships before. Two people realize they have things in common, enjoy each other’s company and then decide to hang out. Maybe that could happen with David too … I won’t know until I try, right? That’s what my mom always says, “You won’t know until you try!” So, I should try it. I should just go right up to David tomorrow morning and start a conversation. A conversation is harmless enough. And if that conversation goes well it will have totally been worth the little bit of anxiety that I might feel between now and then.

I’m nervous! Am I going to talk to David tomorrow? 

YES!

I’m going to talk to David tomorrow! 

Okay, I’m going to talk to him tomorrow first thing (so I don’t spend the day worrying about it)! I just need to talk to him as soon as I see him. I’ll just say something friendly, ask him if he’s feeling better, tell him I knew he liked chicken noodle soup, or something like that. Yes! That will work. At least I hope it will work. Anyway, I’m doing it!

Okay, Diary, this was really good! Thank you! I’m going to talk to David tomorrow...

I’ll tell you how it goes!