Peanut_Butter

Do you want to go to the dance with me?

Tick either Yes --- or No ---

Dear Diary,

J and I are spending a lot of time together. It’s insane! How we can sit together for hours and it feels like no time has passed or most insane of it all, how I keep wanting more. We sit in the library or go to the park and talk about everything and nothing. I think he is the coolest, smartest and most beautiful boy in our class.

I like that he is very serious about his studies and Mummy is always saying that’s a mark of a good man. 

I like that I’m the person he wants to talk to, the one he easily confides in. I like that he makes me smile and can get me to laugh even when I’m so mad. I like that he listens to me, I truly enjoy his attention. And the way I feel around him is the stuff of novels and movies. Like when he took my hand to help me out of the car. I don’t know if he thinks a lot about these things like I do but I want to always be holding hands with J. I like the silly notes he has been leaving for me in class and my books and my bag. I hope he never stops writing them. Stumbling upon them is like coming across the rarest flower. I’m going to collect all of them.

Hey, I had so much fun at the park with you. And J, I think I like you too. Tear up this paper once you’ve read it. And don’t tell anyone.

Hey Girlfriend (still can’t believe you said yes),

I have the perfect first date planned out for you. Bet you want to know what it is. I’ll give you a hint. Who sang your favourite song? How would you feel seeing them in concert? But there is ‘before’ before all that. I can’t be giving all my hands away like an amateur. Meet me at the park at 5.30. Under the sunset, you may have your own private concert and a meal by yours truly. You’ll love it, K. I promise you. 

I can’t meet you today after class. Mum said I shouldn’t waste my time on something that won’t last, I have university and my future to think about and Daddy said if you want to see me from now on, you’ll have to come by the house and ask me out like a proper man. I still love you though. Say you’ll come though.

My Peanut,

I don’t want you to remain in doubt any longer. I have eyes only for you. Your parents said so many things. I didn’t expect any less though. If I had responsibility over a treasure like you, I expect I would have been worse. I know we are young, so it seems, and that very few people last but we are not people. We are Peanut and Butter. They say all those things because they have never felt the way we do. They don’t know how my heart races when you enter the room. Or the burn when you touch me. I was a drowning man till you kissed me. You remember? That first kiss? When you threw yourself at me and marched my passion with your own that you had disguised so well all those months.

They can all have their opinions as long as you and I are on the same page. No distance is going to kill this love. I swear it baby. I’ll visit every day if I have to. I’ll write you every day because I know you are a sucker for this gesture. Every day if you want. I’ll do it all for you. Don’t be afraid to chase whatever you want to do in uni. I’m going to wait for you as long as it takes. I want to be there for it all. See you gain the world…to celebrate all your starts and ends from here on out. I’m not going anywhere, Peanut. You are all my tomorrows. I don’t want a future without you in it and I hope you feel the same way because, baby, I’m going to work towards that. All those things we want to do together, I’m not giving up on us. Don’t you dare give up on us!

Look on this letter whenever doubts creep up. Let’s soak up all the memories we can in these months before you go, something for you to fall back on when you miss me like I’m sure you will. Ha! You’re the most beautiful girl I ever saw, it’s true. I burn for you, it’s true. I love you, it’s true.

Your Butter.

Hey Butter, Just a note to say I love you. And I am thinking of you (instead of reading for my papers). You put a spell on me, baby. But I don’t mind.

All my love,

Your Peanut.

To the world’s hottest teacher,

First day of school, how does it feel? I hope I nailed the flowers and the novel you’ve been wanting. Can’t believe I’m dating the hot teacher. You are going to do great. Those kids will love you. How could they not! Then dinner? A place of your choosing?

The boy still crushing heavily on you.

My sweet proper Butter,

New place! Yay! Do you like my gift? I know you are not one for sentimental things but I thought the picture would remind you of all your dreams. I’m glad I’m along for the ride, my love. So proud of the man you are becoming. House-warming? Just the two of us? I’ll bring the board games and pizza. Maybe, if the office lets you off, we could decorate it together over the weekend. And no, I’m not moving in till we are properly married. You know how my parents are. Marry me, Butter! Marry me. What are we waiting for?

All my love,

Peanut.

Dress up your sexy-self real nice tonight. I have a surprise for you.

Butter,

You’ve been my friend, my confidant, my partner, my best friend, my supporter, my anchor, my joy, my love. My love, there is no dictionary that can sufficiently define what you have been to me. Now you will be my present and my future, my one constant. In a few hours, we get to present a permanence of our relationship to the world when we marry and say our vows before God and family.

I’ve been there for your milestones for the past six years and I can’t wait to celebrate the rest with you. To harmonise every song with you. To share my meals with you. To dance with you in the middle of the night. Be your very personal weirdo, mimicking actors on TV, laughing out loud till we snort and are nursing stitches, playing games and calling into question how old we really are. To be your safe space for all your certainties and uncertainties. To walk with you through every low, cheer for you loudest in every high. Saying yes to you means you won’t have to ever be alone again. Not for anything. You won’t be able to get rid of me. I know you won’t want to. But even then, in the mad times, I’m going to fight for you with everything. With everything.

It’s been so silly reading through our notes, seeing what was so clear in hindsight. You are the only one for me. I swear it. You’ve had my heart since that day in school when you stood on stage so confident and sang your heart out and as the song closed, your eyes found mine. It was our first real moment. You’ve had my heart forever. I could never love anyone else.

So excited for this new stage in the adventure that is loving you.

Your bride, your forever

All my love,

Peanut.

Peanut, I love you!

Butter.

Peanut, fill in the blanks (answers at the back)

You are so ---. When I’m around you, I ---. If everything in life was discovered to be false, one thing will remain true. I --- you.

Hope you passed this little test, Teacher.

Your star student in all things Peanut!

Butter,

You are my every good thing, all that’s perfectly right in my world. Let’s run off together, a weekend getaway. Shut the world out. Love ourselves silly.

All my love,

Peanut.

Gosh Peanut, I have missed you! Let’s not spend this much time apart ever again. Next time, take me with you on your trip. (Haha) But I mean it. If you get this note before I’m home, wait up for me. And I’ll give you a proper welcome. If I’m home, I swear I’m waiting up. If it looks like I’m sleeping, I’m not. Tap me and see for yourself.

Your lover.

Happy anniversary, Peanut, my queen. This has been the best year of my life yet. I know you’ll say I say this every year. But it is true every year. Here’s to three years going on thirty going on forever. Every year, it’s clearer to me. I was made to love you. Let’s grow old together.

Your smitten half, Butter.

Happy Father’s Day, Butter.

It’s not very official yet because you won’t see a thing as yet. Haha. But there is a bun cooking in the oven. Heck I’m already falling into this trap of wacky statements.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The Mother of your child(ren).

It could be a tent or a cabin or a castle but with you it’s always going to be home. For today though, it’s a four bedroom, three and a half bathrooms, two-car garage kind of house. Welcome home, Peanut.

Hey sexy mama,

Come away with me on this trip. It could be our fourth honeymoon, if you catch my meaning. I’ve called mum to take care of the children. I think it will do us some good to be by ourselves.

Your loving husband.

Butter, I don’t like it when we don’t talk. What’s going on? Let me in. Please let me in.

Peanut.

J, take H to the doctor and S to the game. And we need to talk about the job offer.

If you love us (I don’t want to play this card but you have pushed me to it), you will say no. Or you won’t find us waiting for you. My goodness, J, all we do is wait for you. When will we have you!!! The whole of you.

Dear Diary,

It’s work, work and work with him. I never see him anymore. What do I care if we have three cars and a bigger house if we are not together to enjoy it. I don’t want to be grim about this. I don’t want to turn into the nagging wife. But he is very unreasonable about all of this. And he always falls back on that mantra of his, that he is doing all this for me. I don’t think he is doing it for me. This is just him feeding his growing ego. He feels important when they call him out on all those events. This doesn’t sound very wifely of me, does it? His successes are my own but why does it feel that we are increasingly not on the same page. This makes me sound ungrateful. We’ve been able to take family trips and I’ve always been able to focus on what I want to do without the question of money hanging over my head. And he has been there for the big moments. But what of the in betweens! My friends suggested that maybe I’m jealous because I don’t feel like I’m achieving on the same level. It’s not the money, what’s his is mine. We’ve lived that truth. What I must be seeking is more purpose. The children are not so dependent anymore and they are going further out into the world. Where does that leave me?! Maybe I should go back to school. Start afresh in something entirely new.

K, don’t go off like that. It just diminishes what I have managed to do. Let’s talk when I get home. One thing always remains true. You know.

Baby, please don’t leave. Please. I’m a mess without you. I’m a mess without you. We’ll work it out. But together. Please. I’m only half a man without you.

Happy Birthday, Butter.

Here comes another decade, my love. Over the years you have evolved but at your core you’ve remained the man I fell in love with. I’m more than proud to call you my husband. I’ve seen you lead this family and lead your company. I’ve seen you father your children and care for our parents. And you have loved me. You have loved me! I’ve seen you at your best and your worst and would still choose you. I choose you every day, my love. I fall deeper in love with you every day. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

All my love,

Peanut.

Mum and Dad,

Tomorrow I’ll be walking down the aisle. I hope that M and I have something as beautiful as you guys have lived out before me every day. He is a good man, I know it. I don’t want you to have any doubts either. If he dares to step out of line, I’ll put him right. Because I know what love should look like. Trust me, I’ll know when I’m getting less than I deserve. You’ve spoilt me so severely. But you’ve also taught me that a good thing is worth fighting for. And I’m not naïve, I know there’ll be hard times. I hope to walk through them as gracefully and lovingly as you’ve done.

Your dotting daughter, S.

Hey Beloved,

Let’s take a trip or a simple date. Whatever you want. Somewhere we can talk and consider the changes.

Your lover.

Dear Diary,

Retired life suits us just fine. Here in our little two roomed house, I feel like that is more than enough space for us. After the large houses, this feels properly like home. He can never be too far away. And somehow we are discovering all the magic of before, but stronger and deeper. There are new dimensions to it because of everything we’ve lived through. We are turning into that cliché old couple; long walks through the neighbourhood, lazy evenings sitting outside sipping tea talking or simply being. Holding the precious grandbabies and passing on all the stories we know before they die with us. Sleeping off in the middle of a movie and obsessing over who has been in our garden. There are the constants, dancing in the middle of the night, meals together and writing a thousand notes to each other. I should turn this all into a book. We could do that together.

I’m happy. I’m really really happy.

Butter,

Just a note to say I’m glad I’ve done it all with you. You’ve given me the world like you promised. But in all my thinking, I didn’t know the world could be as marvellous as you’ve made mine. We’ve raised our children and seen them established in their own set paths. We’ve chased our career dreams, we’ve made friends and buried family, we’ve loved and lost, tried our hands at some things and failed. But what worked out is even better than I hoped for. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

You still take my breath away, after all these years.

Here’s to forever, my love.

All my love. (All of it. All of it)

Peanut.

Happy 50^th Anniversary, Peanut.

50 years ago, on this date, you wrote me that letter and painted a picture of what our future could look like – never being alone.

Thank you for showing me how selfless and expansive and beautiful love can be. You have and will always be the best part of me.

It’s been a good run. I want to say this has been my best year yet, but you would say that I make the same comment every year, even though it has been true every year. But this year it falls short and you’d know that I’m lying.

That life took you from me only a week to our anniversary is a crime I will never get over. I shouldn’t be bitter over what we lost, I know. I should dwell on what we actually had. We’ve had the time of our lives. The best time. I just didn’t expect forever to end so soon. 

I’m alone now. Like I had never thought I would be.

Oh Peanut, what do I do with myself now that you are gone? How do I move on from here? What am I even writing in here, Peanut? How could you leave me all by myself! Why did you leave me?

I miss you every day. Every day!

I was happiest with you, it’s true.

I love you.

I love you.

It’s true.